The MidLife Traveller

Farewell

2008-01-02T17:34:00.000-08:00

I've decided to close up this blog and start a new one.

When I began this blog just over two years ago I was entering my midlife, approaching the age of 40. My life seemed poised to embark in a new direction, one I'd not anticipated in all my years at University. I was unsure as to what my new life would look like, and wanted to document the process.

During the time I've been writing here I made the decision to start my own consulting business and to homeschool the children. These decisions set the course of my life for the next several years. I'm going to remain a full time stay-at-home mum, I'll continue with my business and hope it will grow further over the next few years. I'll be dedicating myself to homemaking, assisting the kids with their learning, and hopefully expanding into gardening and animal care as we take on a dog and maybe even some horses, too.

The path I've chosen seems fairly well laid-out now, and I think it's a natural place to end this blog. My new blog can be found here at Wordpress. It will be dedicated to the pursuit of our new dream: leaving the city and moving out to a more rural setting. I will, of course, also post about other issues that crop up in my life. I hope you'll join me there.

Time to get off the fence

2007-12-30T17:57:00.000-08:00

For some time now, I've been tossing around the idea of moving to a more rural setting. Those of you who've followed my blog for a while have been through the various permutations of this plan: the City Mouse, Country Mouse scheme where we had a few acres outside of town and an apartment in the city, the Endless Commute plan where we get a few acres in a far-flung suburb and I basically never see my husband, or the Island Living plan where move to a lovely little rock whose only access route from the mainland is cut off at 9 pm each night. All these plans had one thing in common: the rural lifestyle but with city living at your doorstep. The bottom line was that I didn't want to leave the city.

I've been a city girl for pretty much my whole life (I grew up in the 'burbs and spent most of my youth staring longingly across Burrard Inlet to the lights of downtown). I can list off a dozen reasons why urban living is so great. But my lifestyle has changed considerably in the last several years and all these great reasons really don't apply to me much anymore. I think somewhere in all of this reasoning I forgot that simple fact.

Moving here to a house in the suburbs was supposed to be a "baby step". An experiment to see if I could handle living in a house and living away from the city. House living rocks and I can't get enough of it. I think I'd rather die than go back to cramped condo living (at least so long as I have children in my home). As for being away from the city I haven't missed it for one second (well, okay, on the odd takeout night I have longed for the sushi restaurant that was one block away from our apartment). Seriously, I have everything I need here and actually avoid going over the bridge into town if I can help it.

So this "baby step" has been a cinch and perhaps that is why I'm already looking for the next step (read this previous post if you haven't already). Yes, I want land. I want doggies and horsies and a neighbours that can't see into my living room. And it has finally occurred to me that if we're going to do this, we need to do it all the way. None of this I-want-land-but-I-want-to-be-close-to-the-city-too wishy-washy fence-sitting. For months now I've been cooking up crazy schemes to have my cake and eat it too. I wanted the rural lifestyle but I was afraid to leave the city limits to have it. Well, after spending a few days at my Dad's place over on Vancouver Island (which is chock full of lovely, rural communities and more spectacular natural beauty than you could ever hope to see) I've decided that it's time to make like Nike and Just Do It. Dammit, what's the worst that can happen? I'll hate it and want to move home. Not the end of the world.

But really, do I think that will happen? I'm the girl who has dreamed of owning her own horse since she was 7. The happiest time of my life was when I lived in a semi-rural community near the University and spent my days surrounded by horses, riding my bike between barn jobs, and having my dog running freely alongside me as we sped along the riverside. For months now I've been cooking up crazy schemes because I wanted the rural lifestyle but was afraid to leave the city limits to get it. And what exactly do I think I would miss so much? I mean, take a look at my current lifestyle: I'm a homemaker, I bake, I knit, I volunteer. I have homeschooled kids and I love, love, love animals. Does this sound like a city girl to you??

It's plan-making time again!

Here we go again...

2007-12-30T16:58:00.001-08:00

We've only been in this house for 3.5 months. When we moved here I figured we'd stay for several years, but that could always be chalked up to the hellish experience of moving with two small children. I say this because for the last little while I haven't been able to get it out of my head that I really, really want a house of my own and renting one just isn't going to cut it for me much longer.

I can talk about rent vs. buy, I can crunch the numbers, I can use all sorts of logic to explain why we are okay renting right now...but the bottom line is I want something that is ours. I want our monthly payments to go to something, even if it is mostly interest at first.

But the truth of the matter is that DH and I started our lives together late. And due to a divorce on his part and a long stint at university on my part we basically had nothing when we came together. Given that houses here are about $700k for a "starter home", even with a respectable savings rate it will take us probably 5 years to save up a respectable downpayment and even then we'd have to take on huge monthly payments for a mortgage, essentially shackling DH to his current job and adding to the pressure should he ever have to leave it. The alternative is to wait for a grandparent to die and leave us some money and the only one who really has anything worthwhile to hand down is my mother, who I'd gladly trade all my inheritance for to have her in my life for another 20 years. But what really gets me about all this is not just how much debt we'd have to take on to get a house here, but what exactly are we getting for all our troubles?

Yep, you faithful readers know where I'm going with this don't you: I want some land. Now check out the photo on the upper right of my blog: doesn't that seem more like what you should get if you fork out a million dollars and work your ass off for the rest of your life? If we're going to save up money and buy something, wouldn't it be nice to feel like we really got something special? Something wonderful? Something that felt worth it all? Ultimately, a house in the city is just a roof over your head with windows that look right into your neighbour's living room, and a patch of dirt that you can't do anything with unless you have ten permits and your neighbour's permission first. Unless you have about $10 million to spend on housing you're not going to get much more than that here (albeit a very fancy roof with lots of toys inside). How about a forest, or a lake, or a big field with horses? How about being able to walk through wooded trails without having to drive to them? Now *that* seems like something worth going into huge amounts of debt for!

Debt to the Max

2007-12-25T21:29:00.000-08:00

Perhaps this is an appropriate post given we're all heading into the post-Christmas hangover. Like the poor young slob who awakens to wonder if any amount of fun the night before could be worth how he's feeling right now, many people will be staring at their new credit card balances and wondering if the satisfaction of seeing everybody open that "perfect gift" you found for them (in a last minute shopping frenzy) is really worth the several months of interest charges that could likely end up costing more than what was originally spent on the loved ones.

I just finished watching Maxed Out on Debt, a documentary about consumer debt in America. While some situations don't apply to us Canadians (our federal government has had a balanced budget for a few years now, our provincial government debates how to spend the growing budgetary surplus, and we don't allow sub-prime mortgages and some of the other "interesting" schemes they have going in the US), most of it is applicable to the average Canadian family. In short, the movie shows how the majority of consumers do not use credit wisely, are allowed to get into far more debt than they can ever hope to pay off, and the laws governing consumer credit are actually written by the credit card companies. When you see story after story of people being allowed and encouraged to spend far more than they have, at the end of it all you are left thinking that the best thing we could do would be to just ban credit altogether. But you can't do that, and the reason why is a tad shocking: because the economy depends on people spending more than they have. We've become so dependent on the current level of spending (most of which is using borrowed money) that our economies couldn't survive if, suddenly, nobody had access to credit.

This ties in with another movie I watched recently, a 20 minute short story called The Story of Stuff (it's free and easily downloadable and I encourage you to watch it). This easy-to-follow tale describes the life cycle of consumer goods from manufacture to disposal. The narrator points out that consumerism is the fuel that drives this cycle - without convincing people that they always need new things, demand would slow and economies would suffer (because they have become depending on rampant consumerism). The production, manufacture, and disposal of most consumer goods wrecks the planet's health and dooms large groups of people (usually in other countries) to a lifetime of poverty and deprivation.

Debt is freakin' scary. No matter how intelligent you are, and how many times you are told of the perils of credit card interest and the folly of minimum monthly payments, it is the rare individual who can deal with credit in a responsible and, importantly, financially prudent manner. A preliminary search did not reveal an answer to the question "What percentage of credit card customers pay off their balances every month?" but I'm willing to bet they constitute far less than 50%. Why is that? Are most of us just stupid and greedy?

The answer is a bit simpler, and a bit scarier - our culture raises consumers. From the time we are old enough to watch TV we are bombarded with messages that shopping and things and acquiring and renovating are all Good Things. Add to that the availability of credit and you have a disaster waiting to happen. I've heard about this sort of mass manipulation for over 20 years, but never believed it was really true. I don't think I appreciated the amount of effort, research, data, and understanding of human psychology was directed toward this goal. And, like most people, I didn't want to believe that my own Free Will was in fact an illusion. Most of us do not want to believe that human nature directs our actions via subconscious processes, nor that these processes are easily manipulated once you understand them.

It's hard to watch a film like Maxed Out on Debt and not feel that the American economy is headed towards collapse. In our own family we have been fortunate enough to have the means to pull ourselves out of the crushing slavery of debt enough times that the lesson has finally sunk in. Even so, I'm finding that sticking to a budget and saving money is a constant battle that is, in many ways, analogous to the battle people wage to maintain a healthy body weight. My New Years resolution, which I may expand on in a later post, is to work better at being frugal and saving money. The film was definitely an inspirational boost in that regard.

Who owns Christmas?

2007-12-23T10:25:00.000-08:00

My friend Spacemom married a Jewish man and agreed to raise their family in the Jewish faith. So you can imagine this is a hard time of year for the Space Family. I get the feeling that Spacemom doesn't miss Christmas; I always wonder in these situations how closely this correlates with one's childhood memories of the season. But of course it's about her children, growing up in a society where Christmas is the national version of this holiday season, and where rampant commercialism adds to the fervor for kids, so that it's hard to imagine any Jewish child not feeling as though they are being given a raw deal at this time of year. A recent post about her frustrations with her country's seeming determination to push Christmas down the throats of everybody apparently brought on a slew of nasty emails and this has ensued more discussion which stimulated me to post my thoughts on the subject.

There was a sentiment among Spacemom's readers that Christmas cannot be called a non-secular holiday. Perhaps I'm misconstruing the context in which these comments were made, but I disagree that Christmas cannot be secular. I'm baffled, actually, considering that you often see Christians sporting buttons and bumper stickers saying "Keep the Christ in Christmas", etc. - apparently they aren't secure in it being a purely Christian holiday themselves. Perhaps one's perception depends on where you live and how pushy and vocal the local Christian population is (truly there is no other sort of Christian like the fundamentalist version they breed in parts of the USA).

I grew up with Christmas, and while I was raised Catholic the parts of Christmas that were most special to me had nothing to do with Jesus. When DH and I started a family we sought to establish our own meanings and traditions to this season. DH had flirted with the idea of converting to Judaism and so, in an attempt to be supportive, I agreed to forgo Christmas one year in favour of Hannukah (we were living far from home and DD was only 18 months old so it seemed a good time to experiment). DH made latkes and donuts, he made a menorah, and we lit it each night of the season. We read the Hannukah Story to DD (though I could never bring myself to say that the oil burning for several days was a "miracle"; more like a fortuitous miscalculation). Anyways, DH tried his little heart out to make a nice holiday for our family...

It was the most depressing winter of my life and I almost had a breakdown by the end of it all.

DH decided against the conversion and I happily planned our next Christmas. It was good to have reason to examine which parts of Christmas were important to me, and what they symbolized for me:

The Tree: I insist on a real one because to me it's about nature and a fake tree just screams commercialism, plastic, and well...being fake. The evergreen symbolizes that winter is not a "dead" time for Nature. The smell of pine fills the room and I love it.

The Lights: we hang lights around the balcony railings, and across the mantel. We light the tree and hang decorations upon it. To grasp the symbolism of these things imagine the time before we had electricity. Imagine a snowy village in a northern clime where it's dark early and the sun doesn't rise until late the next morning. Now imagine that houses in the village are decorated with candles, and the trees are decorated with lanterns, and perhaps suet for the local wildlife, and perhaps ribbons or other pretty things. Now imagine this light reflected in the snow and think how beautiful that must look. Isn't it obvious that the lights are a way of bringing joy and warmth to the long darkness of winter? Even now, in our cities of streetlights and power generators you cannot imagine how lovely our neighbourhood looks at night (and night begins at 4:30 pm these days) with the colourful lights around trees, railings, and seen through windows. As I stare out across this scene I think how dreary and depressing it would be if we had to go all winter without that. Why would anybody *not* want those lights? My one guess in this matter is that, since the origins of the Jewish faith took root in a place of deserts and near-equatorial climate perhaps there was never any need for this remedy against SAD.

When the Spacemom commented to her child that they couldn't light the lights because that had some meaning to it (which, apparently, went against their Jewish teachings? not sure) I was confused. Would it really be against the Jewish faith to put up some lights? Why do they have to be about Christianity? Why can't it just be about bringing some light and cheer and joy to the darkness? Lord knows there is nothing "Christian" about Christmas lights; as much as the Christians like to think they own the holiday, they stole most of it from the pagans.

I admit it, I feel bad for the Jewish kids and then I feel guilty for feeling this way. No matter how hard the parents try to put a good spin on it, many kids are still convinced that they are missing out on something special; whether you think they are or not doesn't change how they feel. It's like the kid at the birthday party with sugar allergies - no matter how yummy his sugar-free, naturally sweetened, carrot thingy looks...it ain't chocolate cake and everybody knows it! There's just something about Christmas that really appeals to young children, and it's obviously not just the presents since we all know about the "eight crazy nights" of them (thank you, Adam Sandler). I think it's about the magic - waking up to a house lit with the faint glow of lights from the tree; the magical quality of a neighbourhood lit up with outdoor lights; and of course the magical story of Santa and the excuse to believe in something fairytale-ish while one is still capable of fully suspending one's disbelief. None of these things need be religious in any way, and I guess I don't get why Jewish families feel they can't incorporate any of these ideas into the season without somehow betraying their own religion for another.

When families make a choice to raise kids Jewish in a culture that worships Christmas, they know that no matter how much they explain it, no matter what spin they put on it, the young children are going to feel gypped. They are going to look longingly at Christmas trees in their neighbour's windows and wish, even for a moment, that they weren't Jewish. I'm not saying this is right, and certainly society struggles with how to make the season more inclusive (as they should). But ultimately the parents chose this for their children - the children did not get to choose. And I just don't get why they can't even hang a few lights around the house (*if they want to*) without feeling like they are being untrue to their faith?

To end this post on a lighter note, check out this parody of the PC vs. Mac commercials called "Chanukah Vs. Christmas":

Getting rid of those darned plastic bags

2007-12-14T18:51:00.000-08:00

It's been in the news lately that certain cities are banning those little plastic grocery bags you get at the food stores. Our landfills are choked with them and yet they manage to find their way into our waterways and wilderness places, even harming the animals who are unfortunate enough to accidentally ingest them. They don't biodegrade properly and there's some evidence that chemicals in the plastic leach out into the environment.

For years I have taken the "reuse" part of the Three R's of Conservation (reduce, reuse, recycle) seriously; I keep my grocery bags (doesn't everybody have one of those plastic bag holders with the holes in them from Ikea?) and use them to line my household garbage cans. A while ago I started using canvas (reusable) bags for my grocery shopping, but soon found that I nothing with which to line my kitchen and bathroom garbage bins. I ended up in the ridiculous position of deliberately not using my reusable grocery bags so that I could have some plastic bags with which to line my bins. The alternative was to buy those "kitchen sized" garbage bags, and that just seemed even more ridiculous (and a waste of money).

I even wrote of my predicament to a blog about "living green" (sorry, I've forgotten the name). We discussed using paper bags instead, but of course that means wasting forests. People also mentioned some garbage bags you can buy that are apparently biodegradable, but that seems like a whole lot of trouble (you have to purchase them online) and an added household expense for what literally amounts to garbage. The only other suggestion was for me to reduce my waste as much as possible. But I already do that: I compost, recycle anything and everything I can, and have reduced our household waste to 1 can a week (of that I am proud; our district allows 2). When I imagined our district and local grocery stores banning plastic bags I thought "That's great - but am I then going to have to buy plastic bags for my garbage?".

Turns out, the answer was so simple I'm gobsmacked that it never occurred to me before. I was over at the Earth Friendly forum of our homeschooling program's online community reading a discussion about composting. Someone wrote that it grosses them out to store their compost in a container until they take it out to the bin - something about the smells and rot going on inside made her queasy, and she would spend an OCD amount of time cleaning and sanitizing the darned thing. Now, I use an old tupperware container that sits on my kitchen countertop and into which I dump my kitchen scraps. When it gets full I take it outside. I have to do this every 2 to 4 days, and sometimes I confess there's a bit of nasty going on inside though it's not like I've made primordial soup. I just wash it like I would anything else, with a bit of dishwashing soap (7th Gen, 'natch) and hot water. It is *plastic* after all.

And as I mused about this woman's queasiness over placing raw vegetable matter in a plastic tub it suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks: if I can handle days-old banana peels and tomato pulp why do I need a plastic bag to line my kitchen garbage bin? Why not just dump my refuse right into said kitchen garbage bin - which is plastic after all - and after I've emptied it into the big cans (the ones that go out to the curb each week) simply wash the bin with soap and hot water??

I can't believe it had never occurred to me to just "go naked in the kitchen". Okay, I'll confess at first the idea really gave me the heebie jeebies. It is *garbage* after all. Yuck, poo, stinky, sloppy! But really, how hard is it to clean the bin? No harder than cleaning the compost container. And so...with a bit of trepidation, two days ago I dumped out the last plastic shopping bag full of garbage into my can and replaced the bin under the sink with nothing. Naked. No plastic lining.

And you know what? It's totally fine! My garbage isn't actually all that disgusting. And its not like it sits under the sink there for days on end. Every day or two I just take it to the garage, dump it in a can, and clean it with hot water and soap in my laundry tub. Okay, the can *does* now have to be lined with a big green garbage bag, as per city regulations. I can't have loose garbage in there. So I suppose it might be worth looking into those biodegradable bags for the big can liners (but I always have a supply of those big green garbage bags around anyways so it's not really an extra expense). But I sure do feel good about the fact that I am now no longer dependent on those little plastic grocery bags and can happily look forward to the day when our region bans them as well.

Knit-O-Rama

2007-12-12T11:22:00.001-08:00

It's the time of year when my Christmas gift list prompts a visit to my LYS (that's "local yarn store" in knit-'Net-speak) and I have an excuse to go a little crazy and buy up a stash of yummy stuff to knit. I like knitting my gifts, because it gives me great pleasure to have an excuse for lots of knitting, and of course it feels more thoughtful and personal than wandering the stores looking for "that perfect gift" (and try doing that with a 3 and 5 year old in tow!). Of course, it also means that I encounter deadlines and timelines that may results in me sitting up late furiously knitting purling to get a project completed in time. I also have to choose projects that knit up fairly quickly, which gives me a chance to do lots of different things in a short period of time. Fun!

This year I'm trying my hand at felting. Like wool isn't remarkable enough, what with it's water-resistant and antibacterial properties; it also has this property whereby dunking it in hot water and agitating the fibres causes them to mat up. The result is just what the name suggests: felt (think about the sort of felt shapes you played with as a child on a felt board). It's thick, water-resistant, and you can even cut it like fabric! I've never felted before, but many of my knitting friends have and swear that it is just as easy as the instructions suggest. All you need is a washing machine (and actually you could do it by hand if need be).

And while I was in said LYS the lady at the shop gave me an amazing idea. Anyone who knits understands that you soon build up a stash of little balls of yarn, leftovers from projects. There isn't enough yarn to make anything other than a dishcloth, but you liked it so much you can't bring yourself to throw it out. Well....if you knit them up into little squares (as big as you can get with what you've got) and felt them - you have fabric that you can cut into shapes and sew onto knitting projects! Isn't that fabulous?

I'm going to close with a couple of links to knitting blogs I'm enjoying (other than the ones in my sidebar): Yarn Harlot and Four Friends and a Blog.

Say Sorry!

2007-12-05T18:17:00.000-08:00

Fourteen years ago a Saskatchewan farmer murdered his 12 year old daughter by placing her in his truck and piping exhaust into the cabin. His daughter was born with severe cerebral palsy, had undergone three major operations and was in constant pain, not to mention pretty much a vegetable. Doctors had just informed her parents that she needed another operation. The farmer decided to take his daughter's life to spare her more pain.

The case sparked a huge controversy. Organizations representing disabled people cried out against this act, and feared that condoning the farmer's actions would send out the message that the value of disabled peoples' lives could be judged by others. Many people, however, sympathized with the farmer, who had immediately turned himself in to the police following his daughter's death. He was sentenced to jail and today the man was up for a day parole. The parole board denied his request because he "showed no remorse".

What struck me about this case was that the farmer was totally up front and honest about his feelings. To this day he claims he did it out of love for his daughter, that he would do it again if he could go back, and that he feels he did "what had to be done". The only reason this guy didn't pull a mea culpa act and bullshit the parole board into thinking he really was sorry is that he has scruples and ethics. An honest man says what he believes, even if it means he spends another two years in jail without the opportunity to venture out for the day. A lesser man (and perhaps myself in that situation) would likely have said whatever I thought the board wanted to hear to get my taste of freedom for a day.

This poor guy is no threat to anybody. He is a man of principle who found himself in a horrid situation, watching his severely disabled child live a life of pain. He made a decision that the rest of us can thank our lucky stars we've never had to contemplate. And as far as "punishment" goes, don't you think he's suffered enough? God forbid I give birth to a child so disabled they can barely interact with the world around them, and then watch as modern medicine goes to ridiculous extremes to prolong this sorry life. But no, in our society we want to see criminals (and children, for that matter) punished or we feel cheated out of something (revenge, but nobody seems to want to admit that; instead we use the euphimism "justice").

So the reason he was denied parole is not because he represents a public safety threat. It's not because he's a lying thieving scumbag. No, it's because he refused to say "I'm sorry". Is this what our justice system is all about? Making people say sorry? AFAIC, those parole board officers are no worse than the playground mom who drags her little boy by the arm over to some kid he slapped out of frustration and forces him to mumble an obviously insincere apology.

On the radio they interviewed a representative of one of these mental health advocacy organizations, who was very pleased that this man's parole was denied. When asked why he thought the farmer should not have received parole, given his model prisoner behaviour and his obvious lack of threat to the public, the man replied along these lines: "This man represents a threat because he refuses to admit that what he did was wrong. He insists on claiming that what he did was acceptable, and I think that is a dangerous idea to promote.".

Uh....last time I checked this was a progressive, democratic country. Since when did we start buying into this "dangerous ideas" crap? And is this guy seriously saying that the farmer should be denied one day of parole because he isn't afraid to stand up for what he believes in, rather than kiss the asses of the parole board by telling them what they want to hear?

This is what happens when children are taught that saying "sorry" is more important that meaning it, or standing up for your convictions.

Potty on, people!

2007-11-30T19:51:00.000-08:00

When we moved to this house three months ago I decided to give away my cloth diapers and switch to disposables, because I was planning on potty-training DS as soon as the dust settled from the move. But I've been procrastinating ever since and finally decided it was time to get down to business.

The first thing I discovered is that potty-learning for boys is not quite the same as it is for girls. With girls you just let them run naked around the place and every time they pee it goes all over their legs - good incentive to use the potty. But I quickly discovered that for a boy, peeing while naked is not only comfortable, it's a sporting event!

A friend gave me a great technique that worked for both her boys. It's basically quitting cold turkey and making repeated trips to the toilet throughout the day until the kid makes the connection. Unfortunately, DS adamantly refuses to sit on the toilet and it was starting to become a real battle. I quickly dropped it and decided to let the discomfort of wet pants work it's magic. Three days ago I started him in underpants, after talking with him about it for about a week or so. He didn't cease to remind me how much he *didn't* want to wear underpants, and now that we're in the thick of it he's holding his ground.

I figured after a couple days of peeing his pants he'd decide that sitting on the toilet is the easier route to go. But we're at the end of three days now and the only change I'm noticing is that he appears to be getting used to peeing himself. The first couple times it happened he got upset, but today he's peed his pants about 5 times and the only reaction was "mamaaaaa! I got pee pee!" (as in, "clean up, aisle 6!"). Then he calmly waits while I mop up the puddles, wipe him down, and put dry clothes on him. He's even decided he likes his underpants, but still he absolutely refuses to go anywhere near the potty, despite having his father entice him with the man-bonding option of peeing together. He's also been pretty crabby since we started this project, despite getting a great night's sleep each night, and I worry that I'm stressing him out by all this. Perhaps he's just not ready (after all, he will at some point in his life make the decision on his own) and I should just wait. But darnit...I don't want to! I'm sick of diapers. And besides, while he may be only just 3 he looks like he's almost 5 and it's embarrassing (yes, I'm shallow).

I think I have no choice now but to up the ante. Yep, it's time to resort to bribery. Hey, even Alfie Kohn (I'm a big fan) says it's okay to use rewards with potty-training. So this weekend I'm going to go buy some stickers and maybe some little treats and see if I can't convince him to give it a whirl. The only problem is that DD freaks when she sees him getting a little somethin' and she's not in on the treat. Hey, I just came up with a good idea - maybe I could give DD a treat when she uses the potty. She could be a role model. Yeah! Now who wants to bet that DD suddenly starts drinking water like a desert survivor so she can pee ten times a day.

the Practice House

2007-11-25T16:48:00.000-08:00

On the radio the other day there was a show about urban planning. People were saying that we need to give up the idea of a single family dwelling for every family. I've been thinking the same thing for a long time. In many of the world's cities it is unexpected that one can have the stand-alone home with yard and garden. Certainly we've done our share of high-density living. But we had the opportunity to move into a house, and we decided to give it a try.

I confess that I am truly hooked. I love that we have windows facing all directions (except, ironically, North - which was the only direction in which we had windows in our last place, leading to the feeling of being in a dark tunnel all the time). Even with winter on our doorstep a day of sunshine brings warm light throughout our home. And it is such a pleasure to take advantage of the warmth to putter around outside. Today I spent some time stringing Christmas lights around the deck railing, sweeping the front steps and driveway, and mixing the yard waste with some kitchen scraps in my composter. I'm excited about planning my container garden for the spring, and thinking about planting some pretty things in my garden. The Christmas decorations are ready, including boughs for the fireplace mantle but I have a personal policy not to decorate until December so next weekend I'll begin.

I'm so enjoying life in a house that I can't help but think about how nice it would be to own one. Despite the generosity of our landlords, who are willing to pay for paint and other materials to improve the place, there are still some things I'd like to do that aren't practical given the expenses involved. How wonderful it would be not to have such restrictions, and to make the place as perfect as I desire (and understand that it's the fun of planning and executing the improvements that draws me, not some notion that perfection is necessary). But for us, as is the case for many families here, buying a home in this city is not doable right now. The houses in our neighbourhood are currently selling for $825,000 - $850,000. 'Nuff said.

So rather than get upset about it, I'm thinking of this place as my "practice home". This is all pretty new to me, and I'm bound to make mistakes. Better to learn now so that when the time comes that we can buy a house I'll know exactly what I want to do, and how to do it. I love our neighbourhood, I have a great community of friends here, and I have no desire to leave for a while. But one idea we had when we moved to this place was to figure out if we were really cut out for even more, that acreage we've talked about for so long. This is just a baby step towards that end, and we've only been here for a couple of months, but so far it looks promising. I really like puttering around outside, and the idea of having more land, perhaps a barn and some horses, doesn't seem so overwhelming.

Finding my inner Martha

2007-11-22T08:47:00.000-08:00

I've always been interested in home decor, but never really had the opportunity to do more than watch home renovation shows and browse through magazines. Now I finally have a home worthy of the time and effort to give it some style and make it my own. With the upcoming holiday season I am getting very excited about decorating for Christmas.

It's a wonder to me, this person I've become. Sometimes I just have to stop and smile at myself and think "wow, who would've thunk it?". Not me, that's for sure. Ten years ago I thought my path was clear: successful scientist career woman with expensive house and kids in daycare. If you had shown me an image of who I am now, I probably would have gone into fits of denial. Now, a description of myself goes something like this: homemaker and mother of two homeschooled children; likes knitting, crocheting, baking, and soupmaking. Wow, who is this person?

But, I confess, I love it. I love homemaking. I love being with my children so much, sharing in all the little joys, adventures, and sorrows of their day. I love puttering around my house, and out in the yard. I love knitting and crocheting and baking and soupmaking. And I'm only just beginning. Shortly before we moved to this house I came across some Martha Stewart Living magazines. I felt so inspired by the ideas there I bought my first issue in October, and decided to get a subscription. So far, I'm really enjoying it.

Now, I'm never going to be this organized. I know that and am okay with that. It's the home decorating and crafting that I'm really enjoying in the magazines. And the overall sense of style. I find inspiration, and I need that because I'm woefully uncreative when left entirely to my own imagination - I seem to get overwhelmed by unlimited options. I need someplace to start, and then I can tweak things enough to give them a personal touch.

I've started out slowly. For fall I hung some Indian Corn on the kitchen door that leads out to the deck. And I made a little display on the front doorstep with a mini bale of hay and decorative miniature pumpkins (shown here). I also put a few small gourds on the dining table. And that was about it.

But with Christmas approaching I want to kick it up a notch. For one thing, I've added curtains, framed pictures, and a coffee table to my living room, and it's finally starting to look warm and lived in. The gorgeous fireplace mantle is crying out for boughs and ribbons, and the spot for the tree is all picked out. I'm looking forward to decorating cookies with the kids, making paper snowflakes, stringing the lights, and other fun stuff. Mostly, I'm looking forward to that warm, fuzzy feeling I get when I breeze through my living room and feel it all coming together. I'm feeling very blessed, content, and happy these days. There really is no place like Home.

Evolving as a Person

2007-11-12T21:49:00.000-08:00

The word "evolve" is used often these days in the context of self-improvement. I've been giving a great deal of thought lately to what it means and how I can apply it, and am applying it, to myself and my life.

What does it mean to evolve as a person? I think the first critical step is to go from being an unconscious and reactive person to one who stops to think about their reactions: how do they compare to others' in the same situation? What drives us to react the way we do? Some people live their whole lives without ever stopping to consider this first point. Thus the term "unconscious" - you don't think about it.

Once we shift to a conscious perspective of ourselves and become aware that behaviours are subjective, we then start to ask questions: are there behaviours we exhibit that we don't like? Aren't proud of? Are there behaviours we wish to change? And how do we go about changing them? What would we consider the ideal reaction to a given situation? What do we aspire to in terms of how we react and behave?

Next, one begins to consider the root of problem behaviours: why do I exhibit this reaction to this type of situation? Answering the question is an exercise in self-analysis, a probing of the thought processes that underlie the reaction. Most of us find that it requires delving a lot deeper into our psyche, perhaps unravelling multiple layers of self-deception or breaking through defensive walls, until we find ourselves dealing with issues that, until we started this process, we were unaware we had (again, "unconscious").

And finally, when one has arrived at this stage we seek techniques we can use to make the process of deep self-examination more effective. For myself, the world context in which I frame all my experiences (that set of fundamental beliefs about the nature of the universe) has resonated with the principles of Imago Theory. It is rooted in the sound, scientific awareness that the deeper, more evolutionarily ancient, regions of the brain that are responsible for self-preservation operate at an unconscious level and dictate responses to perceived threats that are emotional in nature in the same way as they respond to those that are physical. The "fight or flight" response is equally valid when one is surprised by a bear while walking through the woods, and when one is deeply wounded emotionally by a perceived betrayal on the part of someone we've grown attached to (and thus made ourselves emotionally vulnerable to). Imago theory thus postulates that during the early formative years we establish neural pathways in the higher brain based on perceptions of emotional threat and the responses determined "best course of action" by computations occuring in the deeper brain regions. In other words, our behaviours are established in response to these early experiences and then become fixed, and ultimately reflexive, in nature. As adults we react reflexively to situations that are similar to those experienced in early childhood, responding unconsciously in the manner that our early-developing brain deemed a suitable means of protection.

In Imago Couples Therapy the role of the partner is to aid in self-exploration and, ultimately, healing from past wounds. For it is in the context of such a relationship that one relives the past: in place of the parents or beloved caregivers, the partner becomes the one to whom we are attached and thus emotionally vulnerable. Imago theory argues that the issues we bring into an adult relationship are the remnants of issues battled over and dealt with (in however unhealthy a manner) in our early childhood relationships. Thus, Imago Therapy involves first describing in detail the relationships with one's parents/caregivers and classifying them. We then try to relate the issues in those relationships with those in our adult relationship. But because doing so consciously and directly can be difficult, Imago uses a form of "reverse engineering". A conversational style known as the Imago Dialogue (which is similar to Non-Violent Communication) provides a set of rules and protocols for discussing issues that arise between partners in a way that provides an emotionally safe environment in which to delve deeper into ourselves and uncover the underlying issues. Although it is possible to do this alone the benefits of having a partner are many, not the least of which is because, according to Imago theory, we subconsciously choose partners that trigger these situations.

What's also quite fascinating to me is how parenting comes into play here. For once again we enter into a deep emotional relationship, and once again issues arise that cause us concern. While children cannot act as a partner in the process of parental self-exploration, the buttons they inadvertently push can act as clues to the adult that an issue is there. If they are fortunate they can go to their partner to help work through them. Since becoming a parent I'm intrigued by the parallels: we talk about unconscious and conscious parenting, and the process of evolving as a parent follows the above described process of evolving as a person almost exactly. I'm learning more and more that while parenting is the task of guiding a young person through to adulthood, growth of the parent is a considerable part of the process. Through parenting, we can aid in the process of evolving ourselves and becoming the parent, and the person, we wish to be.

This has all been on my mind lately because I'm finding myself wondering what I want from life in terms of my relationships with friends and my partner. Why do we have friends and what role can friendship play in our evolution as a person? What is the emotional reason for having a life partner - obviously we have a biological drive to mate and reproduce the species, but humans do not appear to be a monogamous-for-life species (see Helen Fisher's Anatomy of Love). Still, most of us desire to attain a lifelong relationship with our partners; why? I'm drawn to the answer "so that I can continue to improve myself" (and, as an added bonus, participate in the process of my partner's self-improvement). I think this can be seen as an evolution beyond biological prerogatives, the natural progression of a species that serendipitously developed the ability to wonder about our selves and our future. Aside from being partners in parenting - the common love for our children uniting us in that endeavour - what happens after the kids have grown up and moved out? What are we left with? What do we want out of our relationship then?

When the importance of sex doesn't seem so great as it was in our twenties, when the practical aspects of living as a family have removed the romantic notions we had as newleyweds, when age and wisdom expose physical beauty and "coolness factor" as shallow qualities that are meaningless in a lifetime relationship...what are we left with? I think it's this: sharing the process of evolving as a person with my partner, and thus experiencing a level of intimacy that is far deeper than the Cloud Nine stage of romance.

Mushroom Hunters

2007-11-11T08:43:00.001-08:00

I was going to post this in my homelearning blog, but I'm enjoying the activity so much I decided it would be appropriate here.

Mushroom Hunting - it all started with DD who, on a trip to the bookstore with her father last year, chose as her "one book that you can buy today" the National Audobon Society Pocket Guide to Familiar Mushrooms. Last fall we went on a couple of mushroom walks through forested parks to try and identify mushrooms, and even attended a mushroom show put on by the local mycological society. We took up the activity again this fall.

It helped that my friend J and her three homelearning boys were interested in mushrooms as well (her 8 year old took up the hobby). We'd been finding our pocket guide rather lacking and J recommended All the Rain Promises by David Arora (which had been recommended to her on their recent visit to a mycological society show). We set up a date to get together and go on a mushroom hunt near her home. Plastic bags in tow the kids gathered a full freezer-sized ziploc bag full of mushrooms. It was so much fun for the kids, but J and I were just as enthusiastic.

We found several specimens of Purple Cort, a truly beautiful mushroom. Some were huge - the caps over 6 inches in diameter! The sheer variety of mushrooms we found was almost overwhelming, but we dutifully collected as many as we could and headed back to J's house to identify them. We laid them out on the table and got out our mushroom books but by then the kids had had enough and went off to play - fair enough, they'd been at it for a couple of hours. But J and I wanted to see what we'd found, and we made a discovery - mushrooms can be very hard to identify!

Up until this day I'd been photographing mushrooms, often just getting the top view of the cap (especially if it was uniquely coloured), thinking this would be sufficient. But I've now learned that several other important bits of info are needed, many of which weren't obvious in my photos. You need to look at the gills - size, attachment to the stem, and colour. You need to examine the stalk for a sheath or ring, and sometimes the difference between two similar species can only be decided by looking at spore colour. It can also help to note the kind of tree it's growing next to. Arora's book has a handy flow chart to make identification easier but even so J and I, two university-educated women, had a hard time of it!

We noticed that some mushrooms had nice rounded, photo-perfect, caps whereas others, especially the really big ones, had caps that were concave (like an umbrella turned inside out) and wavy-edged. J later went online and confirmed our suspicions that this happens to caps as the mushroom ages and so can't reliably be used as an identifying feature.

The best part of the day for me, however, came when I unexpectedly discovered a mushroom I'd be wanting to see ever since I read DD's pocket guidebook. It's called Bird's Nest Fungi and this picture says it all. Is that not the coolest thing? Well, I'd never seen anything like it on any of our walks and then, on our walk with J, just as we were coming out of the forest I spied a mushroom I thought DD would like. As I bent to pick it I noticed a twig with strange protrusions coming out of it and upon closer examination I realized, to my extreme excitement, that I had found birds nest fungi! I plucked the whole twig up and carried it back to J's house. Below is a photo of my specimen. Their size caught me off guard - note how small they are compared to the penny. It wasn't obvious in the mushroom book photo just how tiny they are. But still fascinating (and very cute!) don't you think?

So while it started out as a homelearning trip for DD and J's son, it turned out to be a fun learning experience for all of us, especially the adults! This is just one of the many reasons why I love homelearning. We also got to spend a nice day with friends, as an added bonus. Anyways, I'm now finding myself getting into mushroom hunting as a hobby for myself and am looking forward to going on more walks.

SOUPer Mama!

2007-11-07T17:33:00.000-08:00

I've experienced a fair amount of culinary envy over the last few months reading Free Range Living and drooling over the wonderful, home-made, often local, meals that Cheryl creates for her family. The envy factor isn't due to a perceived lack of ability on my part (though my cooking skills aren't the greatest, I know I can improve them) but lack of appreciation from my incredibly picky children (sorry, "selective eaters"). Most days I just don't have the energy to create a meal that only I (and perhaps DH, if he's home early enough to eat with us) will appreciate.

But the urge to create marvels in my kitchen kept nagging at me...Am I doomed to spend the next five to ten years eating from the same tiring (and very short) list of bland foods that my kids will eat? I got into baking a few months ago and enjoy it very much, but I'm also trying to control my weight and it's amazing how easy it is to eat half a dozen fresh baked Apple Muffins without even realizing it. So I've been wanting to branch out into other kitchen crafts and I've recently found my new groove: soupmaking.

I picked up this cookbook a couple of years ago for the amazing clearance priced of $5 at a Borders in suburban Cleveland. It's called SOUP: Supurb ways with a classic dish, edited by Debra Mayhew, and this has been my inspiration - I just had to wait until I had the time and opportunity (the kids are older now and the house is big enough to keep them entertained and out of my kitchen). I also needed a blender (I love creamy soups). A big thanks goes out to my buddy K.B. who suggested that all I needed was a $20 hand mixer; it works fine and without having to slosh soup back and forth between soup pot and mixer jug.

So a couple of weeks ago I started with Butternut Squash Soup...

Confession time: serious soup makers would only ever use home-made broth but I'm having trouble with that one. First, I have a small stovetop with only one soup pot sized burner (and, in fact, I have only one soup pot), so making stock means the soup has to wait. Second, I'm having trouble finding a place to buy beef and chicken bones/parts from which to make stock and I have enough errands to run without dragging the kids to a store for a one-item purchase. Third, I'm short on time and would rather spend a weekend making something I can eat right away than one ingredient in a recipe that will require me to empty and wash the pot before I can get started. I've been buying pre-made (low sodium) stock that comes in Tetra Packs, but my mother insists that stock cubes can be just as good, if not better. I hate the fact that we can't recycle the Tetra Packs in our district, and they are certainly more expensive than cubes. So if anyone has any input on this, I'd appreciate it.

Anyways, back to the soup: I actually used a real squash, not the canned stuff, so that should make up for the fact that my stock wasn't homemade, don't you think? At the store I was handling the squashes trying to visualize them turned into 3 cups of chopped cubes. Lucky for me I vastly overestimated what that looks like and bought a squash big enough to make a triple batch.

My next adventure was Curried Apple soup, a recipe from MarthaStewart.com that I read about in one of her magazines. It was okay, but a little bland; perhaps because I used the Braeburn apples I bought from a recent homelearner's trip to a local farm, instead of tart apples like Granny Smiths.

I had a big bag of carrots sitting in the fridge, just the excuse I needed to try the Curried Carrot and Apple soup from Mayhew's book. I'm not a huge carrot fan but I confess it was delicious! I froze a few batches to save for another day (because god forbid the children should eat anything involving vegetables) and I didn't want to eat it until I got tired of it.

But the recipe I really enjoyed (because I wasn't sure I would) was the Chinese Meatball soup. That's my name for it; the book calls it "Meatballs in Clear Broth", which sounds pretty plain and is why I was suspicious about how flavourful it would be. But I wanted to try it because I'm a huge fan of chinese mushrooms - shitakes or "wood ear" mushrooms that you buy dried - and have several bags around. They're prepared by soaking in boiling water for about 20 minutes (I usually add them to a stir fry after that). They are deeply flavourful, hearty, chewy mushrooms and, as a bonus, you get mushroom-flavoured broth! This was added to the beef stock for the soup. Just before serving, I sprinkled the bottom of the bowl with chopped up greens. Spinach is best but I chose savoy cabbage because it keeps in the fridge forever and thus I usually have some around. Pour hot soup in the bowl and wait a couple of minutes and the cabbage gets cooked just enough to be tasty but not soggy. Here's a photo of my masterpiece:
The next day I added some chinese soup noodles to the leftovers for an even yummier experience!

I'm loving everything about soup-making: the wonderful smells that permeate the house (espcially nice on cold, wet weekends), the hearty goodness of vegetables (which I confess I don't eat enough of), and the ease of having a meal I can heat up in minutes and enjoy without being bothered by the "eww! yuck!" sounds emanating from the shells-and-cheese crowd.

One more thing: the meals wouldn't be quite as wonderful without my breadmaker - there's nothing like the combination of fresh bread with homemade soup. It's not often that I feel proud of my culinary accomplishments, but I'm feeling more and more confident about soupmaking and loving every domestic, June Cleaver, moment of it.

Teaching our kids about money

2007-10-30T19:12:00.001-07:00

My local MDC tribe started up a thread to discuss financial issues: budgeting, tracking spending, paying down debt, life insurance, etc.. I'm actively participating because I finally feel like DH and I have gotten a handle on our finances. It's so rewarding to look back on the difficult years we've faced as a couple, not so long ago, and see how far we've come.

I find myself dispensing alot of advice or BTDT's on our thread. It feels good to be able to pass down the wisdom I have gained (largely from making all the classic financial mistakes myself!). Hopefully I don't come across as a know-it-all.

But it makes me think, why did I have to go through it all (and in some cases, more than once) to finally figure out how to properly manage money? My mother was frugal, worked hard, and good with managing her money - she's sitting pretty in retirement: bought her condo with cash, and travels regularly, all after years of working at a middle income job. But I heeded none of her good advice when I was younger, and looking back I just don't know why. I don't think i really, truly, understood what she was saying. Maybe the truth is that we have to experience these things to really "get" them. And so I'm thinking of what I can do to help my kids learn how to manage money, the perils of debt, how to save, etc. A few simple things like avoiding debt and saving from the beginning can have them sitting pretty when they come into their own, but how to teach them that?

I have misgivings about the concept of an allowance. I question the value of a contrived income when the children's needs are taken care of - all they'll spend it on is stuff I wouldn't buy them and I don't know how the concept of credit would work its way in there, though the notion of saving might. I am ethically opposed to paying kids to do chores, or otherwise participate in the realities of family life. My kids are still too young to talk finances in a meaningful way, but in the meantime I'll be considering the matter and looking for good ideas...

Six Months

2007-10-27T20:56:00.000-07:00

Six months ago I had a really bad day with DD at our homelearner's drop-in and the playground we all go to afterwards when the weather is nice. She was being very antisocial and I was taking it all very personally. We left the playground in tears, all of us.

This past Thursday we went to our first homelearner's drop-in of the school year (funny how we refer to that calendar even though we aren't in school) and since it was a lovely day we all headed to that same playground afterwards. What a totally different experience.

DD had a great time at the drop-in, painting and making friends with a new girl who was also 5. At the playground she and her new buddy were playing with the other kids and all seemed to be having a great time.

Just over six months ago I had a really bad day with DS, as he began to lash out violently at little kids, making our drop-in experience pretty miserable. I was reduced to tears by his constant attacks on this one sweet little boy in particular, whose mother was so kind to me despite the fact that her child had been badly scratched two or three times that day.

This past Thursday it was a very different experience. We're not out of the woods yet, but DS is showing such wonderful signs of improvement. He didn't try to attack anybody. He did side-check a couple of smaller kids (none were hurt) but it was clearly an attempt to engage them in play, as he'd just been wrestling happily with some bigger kids and had a big smile on his face the whole time.

At one point he wanted a go on the ride-on car and another kid was in it. The same kid he used to viciously target. He started to fuss and yell, but he didn't touch the kid! I went over there right away and offered him words to use, which he eagerly and immediately used. There were other situations where things weren't going the way he wished and again he did not resort to physical means. And although I suspect eventually he would have had I not gotten to his side in time, those moments of hesitation represent a huge milestone for him. I swear I could see the wheels turning in his mind as he struggled with what he was feeling, and what he seems to now understand is not an acceptable outlet for those feelings. That long-awaited impulse control is finally starting to make an appearance.

As we stood in the glorious sunshine at the playground and I watched my kids happily playing with the other children I couldn't help but be reminded of those tough days, and marvel at how far we'd come. This is the lesson I wish I could pass on to every new mother: it does pass, it truly does! It's amazing the difference that only six months can make.

Bits and Pieces

2007-10-24T21:10:00.000-07:00

I haven't written in a while because I haven't felt like I have much to say. Things with the kids are going well these days. We seem to be in a period of Equilibrium. Oh, there are the usual 3 and 5 year old behaviours but they don't seem alien to me or overwhelming. I haven't yelled at anybody in a while. It's a nice feeling, and one I plan to cherish, since I know in another six months I'll probably find myself staring wildly at my children and wondering what sort of evil pod person has invaded their bodies and turned them into raving lunatics.

Our basement flooded last weekend after about 10 days of pouring rain. Fortunately nothing of ours got damaged and it means we're getting a new carpet downstairs. Frankly, the more I live here the more thankful I am that we don't own. Houses are giant money pits! I'm thoroughly in love with ours, but happy to pass on the maintenance bills to someone else while watching our RRSP balance climb.

DS is improving immensely. He seems positively grateful when I offer him words to use instead of physical approaches. We've had several playdates lately with young'uns around and I'm happy to say that nobody has gotten hurt. I still have to watch him closely, but with another mother there and only the two little ones to keep an eye on I haven't felt so hampered by the obligation. I know it will be a long time before I can just let him go and not give the matter another thought, but I do see the light at the end of the tunnel and it's a huge relief.

A long city workers strike has ended and our weekly homelearners drop-in starts up again. I'm so looking forward to seeing my mama friends more regularly, and I'm no longer feeling apprehensive about having DS in that environment - I'm much more confident in my ability to help DS navigate the situation. I also successfully started up a knitting group in my new area (all MDC mamas that I've known for a while, just not ones I was knitting with before). I started a new knitting project though I know I'm going to have to put it aside soon to start on Xmas gift knitting and crocheting. And as I said I'm having playdates again, so I'm starting to feel reconnected with the outside community and that is nice.

Homeschooling is going great. I love the program DD is in, and I'm slowly but surely editing my "speeches" in response to the ever-tiring litany of questions and comments that inevitably follow those fateful words "So, you must be in Kindergarten?". I'm torn between wanting to educate the masses about their hopelessly ignorant stereotypes regarding what homeschooling is, and wanting to just live out my life without having to explain myself to every store clerk and friendly neighbour who wonders how DD will ever get to college.

Strike a Pose

2007-10-15T21:26:00.001-07:00

I have chronic upper back and shoulder and neck pain. I used to think it was from cosleeping, and the cramped positions I endured for hours during bouts of teething, nightmares, etc. But for many months now the kids have slept in their own beds and I have had space to position myself as I like.

Then I thought it was the crappy, cheapo mattress-on-the-floor that was responsible. We've had our lovely new Stearns and Foster mattress for a couple of weeks now and while my hip pain is totally gone, and the pressure-point soreness is a thing of the past, I still find myself constantly stretching my neck this way and that (my mother asked me if I had a tic, it's become that constant and unconcious).

I've come to the conclusion that my history of bad posture is finally coming back to haunt me. Ever since I was a teenager I've been told I have poor posture, that I stick my neck out and hunch my shoulders. Because it was my "normal" way of being I usually forgot all about it. Well, now that I'm on the cusp of 40 I'm feeling it all right. I've been working hard to keep my shoulders back and my back straight but I fear nothing is going to help this except some massage therapy. I hope I can get it covered under DH's extended medical, because when it comes to extra funds these days there is a lot of competition.

I love the rain

2007-10-15T21:06:00.000-07:00

Well, you have to love the rain if you live in this part of the world. But I do, I love it. And I'm loving it even more here.

At our apartment you couldn't really *hear* the rain. We were seven stories up with one covered balcony. There was really nothing for it to fall on. I used to have to look outside, with a tree or other dark object as a background to see if rain was falling.

But here you don't need to look. Just listen. It patters on the glass, splatters on the deck, ripples on the leaves of tress and shrubs, and drops heavily from overflowing gutters onto concrete paving.

With the warmth of a gas fireplace, dimmer light switches, and the sounds of the kids happily playing Wii Mario Party downstairs...it truly defines the word "cozy".

But the best part is going for a walk in the forest right after the rains. The smells are amazing, the greens are never greener nor richer. Yep, this is the West Coast Temperate Rainforst. And it is my home.

Consumerism - the insidious plage

2007-10-15T20:46:00.000-07:00

I've been puttering around my house for a few weeks now, truly enjoying the house-living lifestyle. But I find myself in a continuous state of expectation and frustration: my living room is still rather bare. I have a vision of what I want it to look like, and we're getting there. But there are still some things lacking. The most obvious is an armchair. We have a sofa - but that's it. I need drapes for the balcony doors and a blind for the dining room window. I could also use some decorative knick-knack type pieces - because I'm a vowed declutter-er I only keep knick-knacks that have sentimental value or meaning to them. And almost all of these are small. I need some bigger pots and vases to place as accents and fill up the empty shelf and mantle spaces. And then there's the bedroom, which needs basically an entire suite of furniture...

All these things cost money. Oh sure, I could go to Pier 1 tomorrow and drop a couple grand on stuff if I put it on my credit card. But DH and I have forsaken the buy-now, pay-later way of living. We have resolved to save up and then spend. And I'm getting really impatient.

My mother says "Everybody starts out that way - you fill your house over the years." True, but she started when she was 26. I'm almost 40 and just starting, and I feel like I have all this catching up to do.

And so I flip through catalogs that come in the mail, and I feel...almost anxious. Impatient. It brings a level of stress to my life, albeit a very small one. Still, it's there. It nags at me whenever I walk past my bare-ish living room. It haunts me when I see the perfect piece, just what I'd envisioned, and on sale too - but have to say no.

And I think to myself - how freakin' shallow and materialistic is THIS? I mean really! I've got two great healthy kids, a wonderful husband, a lovely car and a wonderful home for our family. My husband is making great coin, we're saving for the future, and we're virtually debt-free. And I'm letting the lack of a pretty armchair cause me grief??

And then I get angry at this consumer culture I live in, grew up in, and have been thoroughly brainwashed by. I am victim of the hundreds of home decorating and home improvement shows I've seen. Of new condo development show suites, real estate stagers, and those damned flyers that come in the mail. I've grown up thinking that having *things* somehow matters, like it will make my life happier. And when I can't, by sheer force of will and determination, have those things and have them now...I feel frustration and longing.

I hate that I feel I need these things. I hate that I can't appreciate what I have to the point where what I don't have doesn't matter. I don't know how to fight this stuff, it seems like it is so ingrained in my psyche that I'm barely aware of it most of the time. I need to figure out how to stop wanting so much. If anybody has any suggestions, I'm all ears.

Perspective

2007-10-09T19:13:00.001-07:00

Each night I put my kids to bed, after DH has put on their jammies and brushed their teeth. Altogether it takes about 45 minutes to do both kids. I'm usually pretty tired myself by this time, and I often have to drag myself reluctantly away from whatever task I've finally settled down to. And when we are out in the evening, as we were last night when we went to Mum's for a combination Thanksgiving/DS birthday dinner, it is even harder. It's generally late, I've had a couple glasses of wine, and when I walk in the door all I want to do is R E L A X.

As DS gets older he will eventually move from simply nursing to sleep, to wanting/requiring a bedtime routine such as the one I do with DD: 2 stories, lights out, snuggles to sleep. This is going to add about another 20 minutes or so to the overall routine. DS asked for a story the other night before nursing and I know the time is coming soon when we'll begin to do that regularly. The main reason I haven't weaned him off his last nursing is that it makes his bedtime so easy: he's out in about 5 minutes.

I've been tempted to sit down with DH and divide the bedtime task between us. One child will have to get used to Daddy putting him/her to bed, I have thought. But I know this battle will be hard fought and hard won. I can't see DD agreeing to it at all, and by the time DS has weaned from his one nursing session of the day, I'm fairly sure he'll be firmly entrenched in the Mama routine. It is easy to want to feel sorry for myself.

But then I recall a thought I had one night: that one day in the all-too-fast-approaching future, my children will not need nor want me to put them to bed. In fact, while I'm getting ready to go to bed they will likely be out at some party or fun event. And then eventually they will move out, and while I'm lying in my bed they will be miles away, perhaps in another country even.

The thought truly stuns me. I can't really grasp what it will be like to not have my children living under my roof.

And so, put in that perspective, the "task" of putting them to bed doesn't seem like such a chore. In fact, it feels like an honour - a brief part of my life that I will look back on fondly one day. I love that my kids want Mama to snuggle with, and I will enjoy it as long as it lasts, knowing that there are many many evenings ahead of me where I will have nobody to put to bed except myself.

Have more, Spend more

2007-10-02T22:49:00.000-07:00

Following my first year of university, when I almost failed, I took a year off to hang out and work at McDonald's. I figured a few months of that was all I would need to find new inspiration and motivation when I returned to school again.

I shared a 2 bedroom apartment with 3 room-mates. We were always broke. I used to scrounge coins out of the sofa so I could go buy a burger for dinner. I had little money to spend and yet I had a great summer. There were things out there I didn't even think about wanting because it was just not in the realm of possibility. A VCR? Yeah right. Why even dream about it?

Year by year my income steadily increased. I got a nice union job at the University working part time in the Parking Department while going through school. By fourth year I had my own 1 bedroom apartment in a trendy neighbourhood just outside the University. By graduate school I had bought a new car, and was spending a few hundred a month on my obsession - equestrian sports. While doing my PhD I received a grant that paid me for the remaining years. And after graduation I got a post-doc appointment and each year the salary for that increased.

And what I have learned is this: whether I was making $6/hour at McDonald's, or $40,000/year as a senior post-doc, I never had enough money. It seems that increases in income bring increases in desire. Suddenly, getting that new car or that weekly cleaning lady or the latest Nintendo or a coordinating living room set left the realm of "caviar dreams" and became just within reach. And so I wanted them.

I feel as though somehow, somewhere, I became a victim of consumerism. Probably dating back to Saturday morning cartoons. And yet the programming behind consumerism is buried so deep in my subconscious that it just seems natural to want the things I do. And I'll tell you something else: going back is hard. Once you've experienced the joy of coming home to a clean-smelling and shiny home while you and the kids were out at the library it is very hard to accept the thought of pulling on those rubber gloves and scrubbing the shower tiles yourself every weekend. Things like life insurance, which for so long seemed like something only "older grownups" did, suddenly becomes an obligation and a duty to your spouse and kids.

I look at how much we spend each month, and compare that to what I used to live on, and I wonder how it can feel as though we still have to limit ourselves. We are trying not to eat out at all this month, we have cut back our monthly spending allowances. The only difference between now and then is that this time we are cutting back in order to save, whereas before I was cutting back to try and pull myself out of debt. I'm beginning to believe that no matter what we earn we will never be satisfied. There will never be enough money for all the things we want. Somewhere, somehow, I need to put a stop to all this wanting - and I'm the kind of person who never goes to malls! No wonder the nation is deep in consumer debt.

Miss you; wish you were here

2007-09-25T18:09:00.000-07:00

Before our move I had visions of inviting friends and their kids to our new house for playdates. What could be better? A big yard, playroom, and lots of space for mamas to sit down with a cup of tea and some knitting perhaps, and connect with each other.

But alas, while we are still not completely set up for company yet (the sofa has yet to arrive, and the living room is still pretty much a jumble) the more pressing issue is DS. Take my dear friend K, for example. Her middle child H. is only 2 days older than DS. They have literally known each other since birth. They've always gotten along fine, and DS had never gotten rough with him except in a few tussles of obvious origin. But about a week before our move we visited with K and DS started getting too rough with H. Before long, poor little H was screaming and running away from DS whenever DS looked sideways at him. DS of course, doesn't understand it at all, thinks it's a game. It broke my heart, and made me feel like our last "safe" group of kids had been written off the list. A few days after our move K came to visit and it was more of the same. DS ended up hurting H again, and almost pushed him down the stairs of the back porch. It's really heartbreaking for me, and no fun for the mamas whose children are getting hurt.

Obviously, I cannot leave DS unsupervised around kids, even in our own yard and home. And it's no fun having people over if you have to follow the kids around every single minute. Pretty much all my mama friends, save one, have young children who would be a target for DS.

And so I find myself in this nice home, with the perfect setup for playdates, and unable to host them. So while I'm generally happy and loving being in our home, I'm also missing my friends very much and not feeling as though I can have anybody over. So if you guys are reading this, you'll understand why I'm not rushing out with the invites!

DIY Disappointment

2007-09-23T19:35:00.000-07:00

I have been frantically painting the living/dining room. It's an L-shaped room and I wanted to finish one arm of the L so we could put the dining room together.

I'm not a patient person, and preparation is usually my downfall. This is why I failed at sewing. I couldn't take the time to measure properly, I just wanted to start sewing - no wonder nothing ever fit. Even with knitting I rarely do a test swatch, unless it's a huge project. So with this painting job, the first I have ever done btw, I knew it could be the difference between looking professional and stylish, or like a bunch of half-drunk college kids tried to spruce up their dorm.

I took the time to tape. I really did. I even took the faceplates off the outlets and light switches. Okay, it took a few painted electrical plugs before I decided to tape them over as well, but for the most part I did the job. I was so thrilled when I discovered that there were slight gaps between the crown molding and the wall; ditto for the baseboards. I thought I was so clever sliding the tape between the cracks and folding it outwards, essentially wrapping the edges. There was no way I couldn't get a clean line now, I thought, as the paint would be able to get just behind the edges.

With the worst part done, I happily painted away. I applied two coats of primer over the cornflower blue walls, then two coats of paint (Benjamin Moore "Straw"). I was very happy with the colour, a warm rich creamy yellow with just a hint of orange-ish glow. I stayed up late two nights in a row to finish the job, realizing that painting with little helpers around was going to take twice as long.

This morning was to be my reward: I was going to peel off the tape and behold the fruits of my labour. But when I got up, plugged the kettle in, and started peeling...I was horrified. The edges looked like crap. I mean really bad. And I'm not exactly sure why, though I have a few guesses.

Because I'd taken the time to tape so thoroughly, I painted my edges and corners with abandon. I think I basically applied way too much paint with the brush, creating a wallpaper-like "fabric" that too easily peeled away from the wall. Because this "fabric" covered half-wall and half-tape, when the tape was pulled off it pulled off some of the paint layer from the edge. Either that or the tape came off, leaving a "flap" of paint that hung out from the edge. Of course, this didn't occur uniformly. And since the original colour was bright blue, you could see it peeking through in spots. To top it off, I couldn't get the tape that was behind the edging out, and had to use an Exacto knife to pry it out.

I was crushed. I'm so tired, and there are so many things to do to turn this house into a home. I feel ripped off because I read the "how to" blurb at the Benjamin Moore website and all they say is to tape anything you don't want painted. They don't tell you that there is actually a wrong way to tape (or perhaps a wrong way to paint over taped edges).

DH tried to placate me by saying that we can just removed the baseboards and crown molding, finish the edges nicely, and then put the trim back (those need to be painted anyways). Perhaps this will work, though I'm dubious about how well I can match a new coat of paint to the thick and ragged edges that exist right now (and will I have to prime them too?). But it also means a lot more work, and the list is miles long already. I swear I'm going to have to hire a babysitter just to finish this job (and there are several more walls to go!). At least it will be cheaper than hiring professional painters (don't think I haven't been tempted, but this move has cost us a lot of money and we just can't keep spending).

If anyone has any painting tips I'd love to hear them.

Update on DS

2007-09-21T17:25:00.001-07:00

We went to see a pediatrician who specializes in evaluating behavioural issues. He was a referral from our family doctor, who I spoke to about DS's agression. At first I was apprehensive; sitting in his waiting room I saw formula swag everywhere, even the darned paper on the examining table was from Enfamil. Blech! But turns out the guy spent an unprecedented 45 min with us. When the kids started going loopy in the tiny examination room he sent them out to his assistant who kept them happily occupied while doc and I had a chat.

The results are in: DS does not have any disorders or diagnosable conditions. He is, according to the ped, simply a normal child who has a few "environmental factors" working against him: his immense size, the fact that communication is not his forte, and a very bright and verbal older sister! He said that over the next year DS will develop enough empathy (he's already showing a few signs of starting) and impulse control to manage the situations better. The doc emphasized that right now these situations are *teaching moments* and that we can either "make or break" him based on how we handle them. The approach he suggested is exactly what we do, removing DS from the immediate conflict situation and then talking with him about what has happened. He emphasized that punishment and scolding would be detrimental (preaching to the choir here). While our talks won't stop DS from doing it again (as he lacks the ability to control himself that way), with repetition it will get in his head. And when he *does* gain the ability to stop and reflect on his actions prior to committing them, the lessons will come to fruition. I was very relieved when he said that the book he recommends to all parents (I cringed waiting for it...) was Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman, which I read and loved (I own his other book, Social Intelligence).

It was very reassuring to hear that there was nothing inherently wrong with DS. DH and I have already talked about getting him some more one-on-one time, and the ped suggested that some part-time preschool with a class of older kids would be beneficial as well. Right now I understandably avoid putting DS in situations where he might hurt another child, but then this removes the opportunity to help guide him through them. In a preschool setting he'd be confronted with such situations regularly and with caregivers who, knowing the issue, can help with the guiding process.

I've already had some success doing this on my own. The other day we visited a local playground and met up with many kids coming home from preschool. I stuck close by DS and instead of just steering him away from kids, I let them come close while I lightly embraced DS. When he went to hit or push I gave him words to use instead, which he did. He almost seemed happy to have an alternative, though perhaps I'm projecting that. It was my very dear friend, whose 18 year old son has Asperger Syndrome, who demonstrated the technique for me while we were visiting her last week and DS was getting rough with her little dog (she said the technique grew out of her work with her son, but did not in the least bit suggest DS is autistic; she has long said DS doesn't fit the profile). It gave me a great deal of confidence to be able to handle the situation at the playground, but of course it is entirely dependent on where we are and how well I'm able to stay close to him while still keeping DD within a safe distance.

I've inquired at two local PPP's but not confident that we'll find a space this late into the start of the year. If not, that's okay. I'm happy to continue as we are, but I think DS would enjoy a bit of time in a play-based, enriched environment. And the time alone with DD would be very useful for working on homeschooling projects that DS would interfere with.

Mostly I'm just relieved and feeling more confident that my son is O.K. and will grow out of this, with the continued support of gentle and respectful parenting.

Newsflash: moving is stressful

2007-09-17T19:39:00.000-07:00

I've heard it said that moving is one of life's most stressful experiences. I didn't really understand that, having moved many times in my life. Of course, that was before I had kids. Even so, I imagined that the stress of moving a family revolved around being in a new environment - new schools, new friends, etc. For us this wasn't an issue given that the kids aren't in school or daycare and I'm still a part of the various networks of friends and mothers that I've built up over the years.

What I didn't appreciate was how much I would be unavailable to my children, and how much that would affect them. DD in particular is still expressing some rather obnoxious behaviours but I think we're starting to get a handle on the attachment issues that lie at their core. I'm also actively figuring out ways to get some one-on-one time with DS during the week.

The move also took a huge toll on me and DH. We were scrapping alot, and the emotional exhaustion of that added to my burden. I find it interesting that I often don't realize I'm stressed until I suddenly break down over something that might seem relatively innocuous. I mean, you'd think one would anticipate that packing a whole home alone (while your husband is away on business) while caring for two young children, starting a new homeschooling program, and teaching a five-part university lecture series all in one month just might be alot to handle! And yet in my stoic way I just plod along...and truth be told there were daily infusions of happiness at being in our new home. But I noticed that I was hermiting myself. Sure, we didn't have phone or internet for almost a week, but I have not been in touch with many people - including some mama friends that I normally spend time with regularly. I kept thinking it was because I didn't have any time, but I noticed after a while that it became a downward spiral situation - the less time I was spending with my support network the harder I found it to reconnect. Sounds eerily like depression.

I decided after this past (particularly emotional) weekend that it was time to mentally finish up the move. Yes, there are many items that don't have a home yet. One big wall in the living room is primed and the whole living area is a mess because there are several other walls that need painting, too. But mentally I am done. Time to get back to living, I said to myself. This morning I had to cancel my lecture due to babysitter failure and suddenly a bright fall day loomed ahead of me. I decided to take the kids out on a day trip somewhere, and was fortunate to find that my friend and her 5 year old boy (a good playmate for both my kids as he's built like a brick wall and can handle anything DS throws at him) were free. So we headed off to a local bird sanctuary, conveniently located next to one of my favorite pumpkin farms.

Despite a traffic accident that closed down a major highway and prolonged our journey by over an hour, it was a lovely day. I got to chat with a friend for a long time and the kids were happy to have a friend involved in their day, too. It was gorgeous early fall weather, the air crisp and cool, the sun shining warmly, and signs of autumn everywhere. We enjoyed a lovely walk through the sanctuary, followed by a picnic lunch. On the way out we stopped at the farm, where I fell into a Martha Stewart trance and bought a handful of decorative little pumpkins and a shoe-box sized bale of hay with which to decorate my front stoop. On the way home were were able to pick DH up from work, and when we dropped off my friend she gave us two small bicycles that her son and niece had outgrown.

I'm already noticing a difference in the way I parent this evening. I'm more patient, able to withstand DD's more obnoxious tone of voice and demeanor, and enjoying my children again. I'm feeling more organized, and less stressed. I'm looking forward to continuing in this vein and reconnecting with my friends and communities.

A Moving Experience - the three part play

2007-09-12T22:19:00.000-07:00

Act I: How not to run a telecom company. Cut us off the day *before* our move, promise me you'll get it reconnected within 2 hours. Four hours later promise me again. Four hours after that tell me you'll get it up tomorrow but then will have to delay the move by two days. Tell me two days later that your records show the move to be the next day and promise it will be up and running when I awake. Morning after that tell me it could actually be any time until midnight. Morning after *that* tell me a technician needs to come to my house and that won't happen until tomorrow. I make my 12th call in six days to customer service and find the only apparently useful person in the whole darned company...within one hour there's a technician at my house who fixes the problem.

Act II: Fun with Feces. The kids have handled the moving part very well. They love all the space - the rec room, the large deck, the huge yard. On our first night here DD told me she didn't want to live in our other place any more. But there has been stress and it has been of the "mommy is here but totally unavailable" variety. I was nonstop packing for five days while DH was in Italy on business. Then we move and he goes right back to work and I'm left trying to unpack, argue with the phone company, pick up the last few small items remaining at the old place, oh and did I mention I started teaching a lecture series today? DD was crying that I never played with her anymore, begging me to stop doing things, everything a mother needs to really wallow in maternal guilt. But that wasn't enough so she turned to some interesting tactics. During the packing week she used the toilet and decided that poop was sort of like playdoh....I walked into the bathroom in utter shock to discover her standing there, hands full of poop, and it smeared everywhere. Apparently the "attention" she got over this was better than nothing, so a few days later it happened again. She did another performance yesterday for DH's benefit. SO not fun...and yet what can I do? It's a classic example of attention-seeking. What's worse is that it isn't as though she can't put her feelings into words. She had, on several occasions over the past week, very eloquently described how much she missed me and wanted to play with me, etc....but nothing changed. So what's a five year old to do but play with poop and watch mama blow a gasket?

Act III: Loving the House. Tonight we ate dinner on the picnic table in the backyard. The kids have been out playing ball with DH most evenings before bed. They are getting more exercise in one day than they used to in 2 or 3 back at the apartment. And did I mention I have actual sunbeams that move across my floor the whole day long? I honestly don't think I could ever go back to living in an apartment again. I have been seduced by the demon of the Single Family Dwelling and hell is feeling mighty fine right now...

the funkiest chicken house EVER...and in your backyard!

2007-09-05T22:06:00.000-07:00

I was listening to our local public radio station today while packing and heard someone talking about raising chickens in his suburban backyard with something called an Eglu. Made by a company called Omlet, natch! Of course I had to Google it and discovered that it truly is the coolest henhouse I've ever seen. I'm just in the early stages of researching it - they are from the UK but also have a USA website so I'm hoping we can get them here in the Great White North (or the great WET north as it should be called).

What's cool about this is that you can move it around (remember my post mentioning Joel Salatin's farm? read what he does with his chickens...looks like you can follow the same model with the Eglu). The chicken poop will naturally fertilize the soil (the stuff you clean from the inside can go straight into the compost). You can control what your hens are eating (garbage in, garbage out right?). And you can let them out now and then to be fully "free range" (now how fun would that be?). And what a great homelearning subject!

And I thought I'd need an acreage to have chickens...oh, and you can also use them for guinea pigs or rabbits (AnnaB!).

Life in the 'Hood

2007-09-03T22:25:00.000-07:00

Today we spent a few hours at our new house. The kids played with my Mother's Helper while I puttered around. I swept the frontage of the property and the driveway, picked up a bunch of litter from the lawn (lots of cigarette butts and other bits of wayward trash), weeded the front garden, etc. There are a few weeds growing out of cracks in the concrete paths and borders - I don't want to use some nasty toxic weed spray so I'll have to search for an environmentally-friendly solution.

I was pleased to discover that I really enjoyed the work. I wonder if I'll still feel this way a year from now, but today I really loved it. It was so nice to be hanging out at home, not worrying about the kids screaming excitedly, and actually being outside at the same time (it was overcast today, but still pleasantly warm). Even after my helper left the kids still played around inside and out and I didn't have to keep an eye on them constantly.

Later the landlords appeared, ready to fix up more of the numerous little details left behind by the previous tenants. These landlords of ours are a dream: they want the place to be not just functional but *nice*. They're replacing and repairing all sorts of things that most landlords wouldn't want to pay for. They even offered to pay for the paint I bought, which I considered a decorative touch and not a necessity. They have a list a mile long of things they wish to do and I am just feeling very lucky to be their tenants. In return, I vow to take much better care of the place than the previous tenants appeared to.

There's no doubt that this is suburban living, but I have to confess that I'm really loving it so far. It helps that we live in a district that is green as can be, basically on the side of a mountain range (i.e. not flat and boring), and the neighbourhood is lovely. I left the kids with my helper to go grocery shopping. I discovered the nearest shopping centre and was very pleased. There's a good grocery store and even a little produce store that begs further investigation as it may have some more of the health food brands I like. The drug store, bank, even cold beer and wine store are all there (BC is liberal in so many ways but you still can't buy liquor anywhere but a liquor store). It doesn't have a big sprawling feeling like strip malls or mega malls, and it's surrounded by lush evergreen forest. Yes, I have to drive there but at least I can run all my usual errands (post office, groceries, drug store, etc) in this one place that is about 2 minutes from home.

Life is definitely going to be different here. But I'm really liking it so far and we haven't even moved in yet! I feel like I might be selling out to the suburban dream, the environmentally naughty single-family dwelling with big lawn and drive-everywhere neighbourhood. I'll explore this concept further in future posts. For now, consider me a fan of the Big Yard and being able to hang out with the kids outside yet still engage in some domestic bliss (I can't wait to start hanging laundry on my clothesline!).

So disgusting it's funny!

2007-09-02T20:01:00.000-07:00

In two days my Moving Blocks arrive and I will start packing. I think it goes without saying that my motivation for keeping this place tidy has been reduced to almost nothing. Instead I've developed a sort of sick curiosity as I wander through my apartment, kind of like passing a car wreck - you wanna look, yet you are disgusted at your own interest in it. I look around my living room and see such a level of messiness that I am actually in awe of it. And I laugh, because really it is so liberating to just not care. We'll be out of here in a week, the place will be power-cleaned, and packing will necessarily clean up most of the stuff lying around here.

In this photo of the kitchen you'll note the pizza box on the stove - DH left for a 5 day business trip and I am so tired and headachy today that I almost feel hungover. Yet with no fond memories of heavy drinking involved to make it remotely worth the pain. I've blissfully turned a blind eye to the kids' behaviour today. Their moments of insanity have been ignored because they haven't left the apartment today and have alot of pentup energy. But I have to say that mostly they have been having some wonderful adventures - it's true that a messy kid is a happy kid! In one of the photos you can see the open kitchen cupboards: these were a castle, DS was a baby dragon, and the food scattered on the floor was brought in by Sir DD, who is playing the role of Knight of the Baby Dragon. How do you explain to a vibrant five year old young woman that girls weren't allowed to be knights in the days of yore?

In the other photo you might notice some art supplies, pencil crayons and paint felts lying around. Earlier they were colouring and decided to paint each other. Nothing a long soak in a bubble bath can't fix. So we'll enjoy what's left of this Messy Day. Tomorrow my mother's helper comes over - we're heading off to the new house so they can play and visit the local playgrounds and I can start painting. I have no idea what I'm doing but hey, I spent 10 years watching home improvement shows - a little painters tape and some tarps...how hard can it be?

Laundry Love

2007-08-30T10:30:00.001-07:00

I confess I am "domestically challenged" when it comes to certain household duties. Laundry is definitely one of those. I have shrunk and discoloured many items of clothing. I admit it, I'm too impatient to sort and all the rest of it, particularly when living in an apartment where there simply isn't room to hang things neatly, create little piles of colours and darks and lights...no laundry apartheid here!

But the one thing that has bugged me is this: our laundry smells. And it's worse when it's been sitting in the drawer or shelf, bunched up with other smelly items. Now I've always avoided fabric softener because 1) you never use it on cloth diapers and 2) I figured it was basically just a chemical cocktail of nasty things that my babies didn't need against their precious skin.

Well, I was at Mum's the other day helping her have a post-operative shower (she had a knee replacement 3 weeks ago) and I was in awe of her towels. They were soft and fluffy, not crispy like mine, and they smelled NICE. I didn't want to go out and buy a bottle of Downey, but now I knew what towels could be and I wasn't going to settle for stinky and crunchy anymore.

I headed off to the Natural Home Care forum at MDC, but before I could check back for an answer I was at our local HFS buying environmentally friendly dishwasher liquid and laundry powder and what do I see? The same company makes Fabric Softener! I grabbed a bottle of Blue Eucalyptus and Lavender and, for the first time ever, was excited about doing laundry!

I am thrilled with the results. My towels (which admittedly are all about 20 years old) are soft and nothing stinks! In fact, the scent left behind by the fabric softener is so subtle you wouldn't really guess it's a scent. Rather it just smells...clean! I am overjoyed and will never wash without fabric softener again! Thank you Seventh Generation!

Packing made easier

2007-08-29T08:32:00.000-07:00

Sorry to sound like an advertisement, but I am just so excited about this...I've been getting a bit stressed out over the pending move. The movers are arriving 10 days from now. DH is going to be away on business in Europe for most of next week, which means it's up to me to pack up our home!

I quickly decided that I didn't have the time or ability to engage in box-hunting - you know, that timeworn tradition of student life where you cruise liquor and grocery stores begging for their used cardboard boxes (and competing with every other penny-pincher about to move that month). But the thought of purchasing a stack of cardboard boxes, using them once, and then disposing of them (even if it is to the recycle bin) seemed like such a waste.

And then I stumbled upon this website. What a fantastic service! And what a user-friendly website. I was able to calculate how many boxes I'd need and place an order with ease. They even allow you to purchase a big-ass marker, packing paper and bubble wrap. And they deliver (and pick up) all of it! I tell ya, this must have been started by some poor mother who had to pack up her household while caring for her young children. I am SO thrilled to have found this, and am looking forward to receiving my stackable boxes. I'm not worried about packing anymore, and I think the movers will thank me, too!

Knowing when it's time to seek help

2007-08-23T16:43:00.001-07:00

I've posted before about my son's issues with hurting other children. A couple of days ago at the playground he was up on a play structure and tried to push a small girl down the slide. The more she protested the more he pushed. Finally he grabbed her very long hair and pulled out a chunk of it. It was horrible for me, not to mention the little girl and her mother. I was up early the next morning lying in bed thinking about it. I decided to seek some input and advice from my online mama group.

Many people suggested I have DS evaluated. Reading these words gave me a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I wanted to cling to the notion that it was normal behaviour, that he was just a bit slow, he'll grow out of it, etc. But I recall going down this road with the speech delay. At 19 months it didn't seem so urgent and I kept thinking he'd catch up soon, but by the time he was 2 I had to admit he was behind. So far I've been blaming his age and huge size. But he will be 3 in just a few weeks now and it's becoming apparent to me that he is getting way behind, yet in a way I can't quite put my finger on.

Today I asked a good friend, who has known DS since birth and has a son just 2 days older than DS, whether she got the impression that DS was "different". She was everything you'd want a friend to be: diplomatic, honest, kind, and sensitive. She did say that he seems to have trouble communicating. I, too, have suspected this to be the problem. She talked about the different kinds of therapy available, and how it can be as simple as play therapy to help both me and DS learn better ways to communicate with each other. I'm a very verbal person, and I confess it never occured to me that there were other ways to communicate. When my friend put it this way, it didn't seem so scary.

I know there are certain things about DS that seem "delayed" to me. For example, my DD was able to understand, from the age of 2 onwards, that some things need to wait. Like if she wanted a drink I could say "okay, I'm just going to put these dishes away and then I'll get you a drink". And she'd be happy and wait. DS doesn't get that at all. He'll act as though you said "no" and keep harping on it until you complete the request. He has zero impulse control and the concept of consequences, whether real or imposed, goes right over his head.

Anyways, I told my friend that in my gut I didn't feel that anything was wrong. But when I'm honest with myself I know that is not really true. Deep in my heart I have always worried about him, more so than I did with DD. I can't put my finger on it, just worried that something would turn out "wrong" with him (maybe because I failed my triple screen and ended up having amnio; perhaps that scare has stuck with me).

I've called our family doctor and made an appointment to get a referral for evaluation. I've learned from speech therapy that it can be kind of fun the way they do these things. And really, I think anything that can help me understand DS better will ultimately be a Good Thing. Still, this is all weighing heavily on my heart...

FATE HAS SMILED UPON US!!!!!!

2007-08-15T22:19:00.000-07:00

Well, all that stress and disappointment was worth it in the end, as I suspected. We found a house today, and we take possession on September 1st! (but we'll have our place until at least the 15th, so it won't be a rushed move)

It's in a suburb, but the closest one to the city. Our neighbourhood is a very lovely one and it's handy to everywhere we go. It is less than 15 minutes to DH's office, and about 10 minutes to my Mum's place. It is 2 minutes away from the highway that runs out of town and so is handy to all sorts of other places we go (like IKEA, which I will be frequenting in the near future!)

It was one of those viewings where as soon as I walked in I loved it. The layout is supurb. The living room/dining room is bright and cheerful, with a big fireplace (gas, and it works!) with painted white brick surround. Real hardwood floors and sliding doors that lead onto the most massive deck I've ever seen! It is about 500 square feet and faces south, but then wraps around to the west of the house where another door leads into the kitchen. The kitchen is also bright and has a "breakfast nook". There are 3 bedrooms, one of which will be the kids' room, and the other will be our home office. The master bedroom has a large walk-in closet (DH and I will finally be able to share a closet!) and a lovely ensuite with large shower. Another bonus - there is also a set of stairs that go down to a rec room. All the kids toys will go there and they can mess it up as much as they want! Heck, I don't plan on ever picking up toys again, lol! And it has an attached garage with shelves along three sides, room for our big car and even for a workbench for DH.

Outside it gets even better. The yard is fully fenced and surrounded by tall hedges. And it's HUGE. It stretches around three sides of the house. It's a corner lot and it even has a wooden playset AND a separate swing set! I mean really, could it be more perfect? Yes it can! There is a *gardener* to look after the yard! Still, I plan on setting up some square foot gardening plots and planting veggies in the spring. I will also FINALLY be able to compost! I will also put planters on the deck and put bulbs in them for next year.

We will have to buy some furniture. Our little sofa/loveseat combo (teeny condo size) will be split up. The sofa can go in the rec room (it's a bit stained now) and the loveseat will go in the office. I'll basically need to furnish the living room with sofa and chair and rug, and maybe a TV unit. I'll also want some patio furniture! I'll have to check out the end-of-season sales. We can get a big umbrella style set and a smaller set for the off-the-kitchen part. Come next summer the kids can have a big wading pool...

This is a house that begs for kids to come over and PLAY. I can't wait to set up playdates for all my friends, and I can *finally* host some LLL meetings!

I am so incredibly high and happy I'm just bouncing around the place. Goodbye tiny apartment! Goodbye dark, north facing apartment! Goodbye panic at my child throwing toys out the window!

Oh, and did I mention there's a corner store two blocks away for those last minute milk runs? And a park half a block away with a playground? And an elementary school one block away with two large playgrounds? And a huge public pool/ice rink complex within walking distance?

Could I be any happier? I DON'T THINK SO!

And the search continues...

2007-08-10T21:55:00.000-07:00

We went to see a house for rent today. It was a lovely old character home, almost 100 years old, that had been beautifully restored by the owners. The yard was fabulous. But alas, the inside was very small (the basement had a suite that is rented out). There was really nowhere for the kids to run or play indoors, and while I appreciate that yard, there will still be days when the kids don't want to go outside, and then they'd be totally underfoot.

I'm sure that the right place will come along. I know it takes time. But it's really frustrating. Rents in the city are so high, and most people have figured out that if they divide their house into suites they'll get more money overall. We'd really like to have a house to ourselves, but perhaps that is asking a bit much.

So I'll just keep on stalking Craigslist and hoping the right place comes along soon...

On the Road Again

2007-08-08T17:00:00.001-07:00

This past long weekend we headed up north to a small town called McLeese Lake. We stayed at a campground there owned by a relative. There was fishing and boating and lots of room for the children to run around.

The drive took over 8 hours, including time we stopped to have dinner and let the kids run around at a playground. They handled the trip beautifully, both there and back. And no DVD player!

The scenery was spectacular. We truly do live in a beautiful province. And a huge one! Our long journey took us only a third of the way up the province. We passed various types of geography and topography. The dense, evergreen forests of the West Coasts with its cedar and Douglas Fir gave way to sparser forests dominated by pine. The devastation of the Northern Pine Beetle was evidenced by the bright orange-red of dead conifers that had succumbed to the plague of bark-dwelling insects. Their number has increased dramatically over the last few years due to mild winters and effective suppression of forest fires. Fortunately, some enterprising souls have managed to find a commercial use for wood harvested from infected pine tress, but it has still made an impact on the local forest industry.

The scene above was taken just outside of Lillooet, where the road winds through deep canyons on either side of which rise tall, rocky mountains. We stopped at a lovely picnic area provided and maintained by BC Hydro, the crown corporation that controls the hydroelectricity that powers our province.

Two things were made readily apparent to me on our trip. First, the children thrived in an environment where they could roam freely outside during the day. On our entire trip there was not one temper tantrum or meltdown, nor any major conflicts between the siblings or between children and adults. I have never enjoyed the children more, all while getting ample time for myself to knit and sit in the cool shade. The second revelation was just how vast and beautiful our province is, and how many opportunities exist for wonderful family vacations just a few hours away by car in many directions. I'm looking forward to planning future vacations with the family, whether we are tent camping or RV-ing (I'd like to rent one soon and see how that mode of travel appeals).

Back in the city it has been hard to be in our small, dark apartment after the vast outdoor spaces we'd gotten used to. The search for a rental house is in full swing, though we've decided to stay within the city for now. I'm hoping we can find something before summer ends (usually in early October), though I'm now convinced that rain will not deter the kids from playing outdoors. We have two more trips planned this month: the Bonfire music festival, and spending the Labour Day long weekend back at Monck Park in the lovely and desolate Nicola Valley.

When toddlers attack

2007-07-31T08:49:00.000-07:00

With apologies to iStockphoto, I don't have an account and can't be bothered to set one up. But this photo captured perfectly the type of attack that DS has executed on hapless children, who are his own age or younger, but always much smaller than he is.

This is the "scratch attack", and a few months ago it was the source of much distress on my part. You can read about it here. I didn't understand the behaviour, nor how to put a stop to it, until a mama friend shared her experience. Before having kids she'd worked in a daycare and they had a little girl who'd exhibited the same behaviour. She said that after they'd been able to prevent any attacks (by shadowing the child and placing her in "safer" environments) for about 2 weeks, it's as if the child "forgot" about it and she didn't do it anymore.

Alot of what she said rang true for my son. I suspected that DS was enjoying the reactions he was getting when he scratched other kids. From his perspective, doing this resulted in some very strange and amusing behaviours from the grownsups around him. I think this reinforced the behaviour. I'd also noticed that, particularly with this one (sweet!) boy at homelearners group, DS was acting like it was a game. He would try to run over to the boy, laughing while I chased after him, and trying to scratch the child before I got there. Obviously I could not stop intervening, and nobody was going to act like nothing happened. So it made sense to me that, given the short concept of time that toddlers have, if I could simply prevent the situation from happening for a while then maybe he would forget about this dangerous little game of his.

It seemed to work. About two weeks went by where we avoided places where toddlers would be. If a small child was around I would shadow DS and direct him away from the kid. I recall eventually going to a water park and running after DS in a panic as a small toddler approached him. The toddler got to him before I did, but DS didn't try to scratch her. I stayed close, but there were no attempts on his part. While I could not be completely inattentive, I felt a big sense of relief.

Unfortunately, the behaviour has returned, although thankfully he's not scratching anymore. Instead he's slapping and pushing. It started while we were on vacation. I tried to warn DH but I don't think he believed how bad it was. And he wasn't able to predict a potentially hazardous situation before it happened (whereas I can see it coming quite clearly). So under DH's watch there were too many situations that were just setting DS up to fail, and fail he did. Our friends have two kids, one almost 2 and one almost 4, and they are both petite little things. DS whacked both of them a number of times and of course DH was embarrassed and distressed and reacted strongly, which just made DS laugh and want to play this game even more. By the end of the week I couldn't let DS out of my sight.

Our vacation was some time ago, and I have been mindful of the situation since, but in the past week there have been at least two incidents where a small child has come close to DS and without any provocation DS has lashed out and either hit or shoved the child. I've decided it's time to do some serious deprogramming again, so we're back to "avoiding little kids" mode. On the one hand, I am confident this will work which makes it easier than not knowing how long this behaviour will continue. But on the other hand, accepting that the problem is back also brings up alot of difficult emotions. I'm looking forward to the day when seeing toddler approaching doesn't fill me with apprehension and dread. It's no fun being the mama of a child who hurts other kids. :-(

And now, the post you've all been waiting for...

2007-07-30T08:26:00.001-07:00

I'd been looking forward to Sunday all week. So it figures that on Saturday night I came down with some wicked virus that left me feeling like death warmed over. I awoke on Sunday to feel every muscle in my body aching, my glands were swollen and sore, and every time I swallowed it felt like there were shards of glass stuck in my throat. It was all I could do to get my sorry butt in the car and head off for our home-finding adventures.

The first place we viewed was a house on 6 acres. Not only did the land need a LOT of work, but the house was a dump and the landlords seemed pretty cheap. Next!

We then went to view the house on 2 acres that I was so excited about. My first thought when we got there was that the house was too close to the street. Inside it was quite nice, with a huge lovely kitchen and good sized bedrooms. However, the layout was rather strange - from the living room and kitchen you looked out onto the street. You couldn't see the back yard except from the bedrooms. I would not be able to easily keep an eye on the kids. The yard was huge, however. And the terms she was offering were good: if we decided to buy she would put half of all rent paid towards the downpayment. And the purchase date was very flexible.

Problem is, the property was being subdivided so we'd have people right next door. And there were two protected fish habitats on the property. This can seriously curtail your rights as a property owner in terms of what you can do with the land. I understand and support the use of protected areas, but in this case it meant that a 2 acre parcel was basically only about a 1/4 acre of usable land.

I was unsure of what to do, and panicking in my uncertainty. Thankfully DH said we have a family policy of not making any big decisions without sleeping on it for 24 hours. As we drove home, we were both quiet. My thoughts were scattered - wasn't this what we wanted? Then why wasn't I feeling excited? DH raised some good points.

First, it's not a property we would want to buy, so renting under a purchase option agreement would seem silly. Second, the place really wasn't that big when it came down to it - most of the property was unaccessible and unusable, so it was basically your garden-variety house with big yard. You don't have to move 1.5 hours out of town to get that! Even the street it was on seemed more residential than rural (even if the property sizes were big). Ultimately we decided that it just wasn't worth the huge commute. DH is calling her today to say "thanks, but no thanks."

By the time we got home I was in pretty bad shape. I went to bed and didn't get up until this morning. But I recall feeling, as we pulled into our garage,..."Be it ever so humble, there's no place like home."

A tale of two properties

2007-07-28T10:21:00.000-07:00

I'm one of those people who need to write (or talk) to sort through my thoughts. We're down to 2 choices for our new home, and although we'll find out tomorrow, I still can't help but obsess about it today.

The first place is a nice house on 2 acres. I'm expecting it to look quite nice inside since it was completely renovated just 3 years ago....okay, so maybe the owners have some horrible country thing going on and it will be hideous. But I'm hoping for attractive. I'm so tired of living with "renters carpeting". Ours is a nondescript bluish colour with flecks of every other colour in it, all the better for hiding crappy tenant stains, etc. I'll admit it's been good when DS poops on the floor, but still....I'm ready for something more than cheap laminate countertops and badly painted cabinets with centre pulls that can never hide their tacky 70's origin. The decor of our home seems stuck somewhere between "college-student, nothing-matches, laminate Ikea" and "we're grownups now (and we buy *real wood* Ikea furniture, thankyouverymuch)". While the place has been fine for entertaining my mama friends (nobody expects a page out of Martha Stewart Living when dealing with the drooling and diapered set), I'm honestly too embarrassed to have anybody else over, like a business associate or colleague.

The house also has a self-contained suite that would come in so handy for guests and family members coming to visit us. There is also a fenced-in yard (doin' the mama happy dance!) which means the kids can go out and I don't need to worry about them wandering off, getting eaten by bears, or falling in a creek (a nod to Spacemom here, and her post about whether kids should be left unsupervised in their own yard). After 3 years of apartment living, I am all about letting them go outside so I can get stuff done in the house! Besides, that's what they invented walkie-talkie sets for. To make things even more attractive, the owner is okay with us getting a dog. I'm a total dog-person, have had them most of my life, and have been waiting patiently for the chance to have another one. And if I'm going to be living in a house in a remote-ish area, I want some kind of protection/early warning system.

The final plus to this place is the option to buy it next year, as they want to sell it then. However, this is also potentially a big minus: what if we can't afford it? Then we'll be forced to leave our new home after only 1 year. That would suck. It may also put pressure on us to choose it over other potential homes for sale, since we may have already formed an attachment to the place. DH says he's okay with that, and since he's not the impulsive one in the family I guess I'll have to trust him to know what's right when the time comes.

The other property is a 6 acre ranch. It has a smaller house and it's on well/septic instead of city/sewer. There's a chicken coop, barn, and fenced pastures. Honestly, the only downside I can see (unless the place turns out to be a dump) is that 6 pastured acres may be a lot more work than 2 mostly forested acres. Otherwise there are lots of "pluses". They want long-term tenants, we can get a dog AND chickens and probably even horses and/or ponies. And it's closer to town, shaving about 15 - 20 minutes off what will already be a long commute for DH. We could live there for a few years, saving up a ton of money, all the while leading the rural lifestyle I've been dreaming of (and able to leave at any time should I decide to run screaming back to the city).

While my gut feeling is leaning towards the 2 acre place, I'm starting to think the 6 acre one might work, too. Of course, the only way to know is to go see them, and that's what we'll be doing tomorrow. I'll be sure to post tomorrow evening and let y'all know what happens. In the meantime, I'll keep staring at Google Earth hoping the answer will come to me through grainy closeups...

In the "Never Thought You'd Hear THAT" category...

2007-07-27T17:20:00.000-07:00

Last night DH and I were left shaking our heads and laughing when the two kids got into a fight about who got to go to sleep first:

DD: I want to go to sleep first!

DS: I wan' go sleep!

DD: No! I never get to go to sleep first!

DS: I wan' go sleep!

DD: (sobbing) It's no fair. I want to go to sleep first...

Now there's a sibling battle that most parents probably wish for every night!

Fate

2007-07-26T09:52:00.001-07:00

I'm not a religious person. I don't believe in any "powers" that are not of this natural world. I do believe, however, that there is alot about this natural world and the forces in it (forms of energy, etc.) that we don't yet fully understand, and those that we have no idea even exist. Thus, there is room in my world view for the concept of certain things, like premonitions, some kinds of "psychic" ability, and a "sixth sense" sort of perception. Heck, anybody with an interest in quantum physics (like myself - see my LibraryThing list) sees that there is plenty of room for the unexplained in standard science!

I am not, nor have I ever considered myself to be, one of those perceptive people who get feelings about certain things, or who get a sense of what is to come. I have never sensed "presences" for example. However, I have always been the type that visualizes outcomes in my head as a means of obtaining a goal. When I was in grade 7, virtually all my friends were applying to a certain high school and I wanted to go there too. You had to take an entrance exam. I always "knew" I would pass. I simply couldn't envision any other outcome. And pass I did. Same thing happened with university. I only applied to one place because that is where I wanted to go and I really couldn't see myself anywhere else. And I got in. It's not so much that I didn't have doubts, that I didn't feel nervous when taking the tests or filling out applications, it's just that in my mind's eye I was having trouble "seeing" myself in any other situation.

All my life, for the myriad situations that have played out this way, I always assumed that I was setting myself up to succeed by sheer determination and will. That the process of clearly envisioning an outcome was key to acheiving it. But recently I've begun to wonder if it wasn't the other way around - that I felt that way because it was the most likely outcome (think: many worlds theorem). After all, there have been times when I've desired a particular outcome but was unable to get myself into that state where I couldn't envision anything different. It made me think that this wasn't something I was doing, so much as something I was receiving, if that makes sense without sounding too kooky.

The latest experience was this whole baby-making fiasco. All the while I flitted back and forth between wanting a third baby and not wanting a third baby. Yet even when we'd decided to go ahead and try, even when I was taking 3 pregnancy tests in one week last month...I just couldn't see myself pregnant. I couldn't see that stick turning blue, as they say. And that always nagged at me in the back of my mind.

Yesterday I came across an opportunity to rent a house in the Valley (a rural area outside town) with the option to purchase next year. Everything about the place sounded perfect for us. I responded with much more information than I had been up until that point, and when I spoke to the woman she said we were in the running with one other applicant (a couple with no kids). I'm nervous about being chosen, but I'm also getting that feeling again - that this is the place for us. Even today when another listing came up that sounded good, I found myself not wanting to reply. I did, but only with cursory information. I just have a feeling about this first place and that it's "the one" for us.

So we'll see how it all turns out, and whether my own "sixth sense" has come true. I'm very excited about it! But I'm not going to gush about the details until it's ours. We view it on Sunday and will know then if we get it. Fingers crossed everybody!

The mommy wars - a new take

2007-07-22T21:40:00.000-07:00

Unless you aren't involved in the world of parenting, you know that this term refers to the heated and continuous debate over which is better for children, having a full-time stay home mother (SAHM) or a full-time working mother (WOHM) and being stuck in daycare for 40+ hours a week. Many people take one side or the other, draw their line in the sand, and start slinging.

I confess, after my first child was born I couldn't imagine how any mother in their right mind would want to be apart from their child. While I understood that not every woman felt able to choose between the two options, I also felt strongly that many women who WOH didn't really have to. What kept me from being a judgemental bigot about it is that I understand we're all individuals with a life history framing the context in which we do things and make choices. I am no more qualified to tell someone else what is best for their family than they are to tell me what my family needs.

My feeling that SAHM-dom was the optimal choice for children, as with all my parenting philosophies, stemmed from the belief that mammalian mothers are designed to raise their offspring, to be in almost constant contact with them (those of you familiar enough with this reasoning will note that we are of the "someone else does the hunting" group of mammalian mamas, rather than the ones who leave their offspring regularly to go hunt).

But having given the matter some more thought, and prompted by a very thought-provoking discussion amongst my mama-crowd, I've begun to rethink this issue. The first thing I realized is that mothers were not designed to parent in isolation. Historically (and I'm talking over an evolutionary timescale here) we lived in tribes and there were many adults and women and even lactating women around to help with childcare duties. I tried to honour this history by surrounding myself with my own "tribe" of like-minded mothers, who I get together with regularly to recharge myself as a parent and to relieve the social insulation that comes with having children in tow (would that our society was more accepting of children, rather than relegating them to places like Chuck E. Cheese).

But then in this discussion the subject of our "ideal situation" came up (with respect to working and parenting). I found it really fascinating that virtually *everybody* described it as "working/creating/hobbying 2 or 3 days a week, and being with the kids the other days". Whether they were WOHM, WAHM, or SAHM we all felt the same thing - that sharing childcare duty with our partners 60/40 or so, while having time for ourselves, would be just great. I found this very significant.

One of the mamas posted a wonderful bit about what the natural state of parenting really is/was based on what we know of tribal cultures. When I read the following, it's like a giant lightbulb went off over my head:

Ideally, at all times the child is cared for by the attachment
figure/caregiver who can best her needs - and that might not mean the
SAHM in isolation 24/7, who after all has limited resources. When the
child is sick, that person might be the mother who can provide special
comfort. When she is ready to wrestle, she might need the father. When
she is needing a lot of patience with a repetitive game, a grandmother
might have the most to offer. When she is at the park, a young, energetic nanny might be more ready to really play than an overextended SAHM or less energetic grandparent...In a tribal setting with many attachment figures, the child can easily gravitate to the person who best meets her needs...In cases where the mother is
mentally/physically ill or stressed or extremely unhappy, she may not be
the best person to meet the child's needs at all times, and other
attachment figures/caregivers may be able to play an invaluable role in
complementing maternal care and meeting the child's continuum
expectations.

How many times have I felt guilty because I just couldn't stand another boring game of "dinosaur tea party? Or because I didn't want to read Chicka Chicka Boom Boom for the tenth time in a row? And I hate wrestling, yet supposedly it's very good for children (thank god for Daddy). Here, finally, was some validation that I simply *can't* be that person all the time for all their needs. And that perhaps there were times when having another caregiver take over was exactly what the children needed (I see them playing with my mother's helper and am envious of how energetically she gets into the game-playing, no wonder they adore her!).

With this realization has come the sound of a dozen doors opening for me. Suddenly there are possibilities. That, combined with our growing freedom from the sort of constant need that very young children have, has made pressing forward with my life a very attractive notion. So I've decided that I don't, in fact, want another baby (I'm sure by now there's a betting pool as to the final decision; I'll forgive you all if you don't tally up the winnings just yet). Instead, I want to move on with my life and start putting more of myself into growing my business. I've finally become convinced that not only can my children survive without me being around for a couple of days a week, but in fact they might even thrive and benefit from the ability to interact with those who can meet needs that I'm not so good at meeting. And the nice part about unschooling is that learning happens 7 days a week, so taking off 2 of those 5 days really isn't much!

Decision-making for Dummies (aka: those who don't know what the hell they want)

2007-07-20T14:44:00.001-07:00

I'm trying to simplify the decision-making process by breaking things down into small, manageable questions. Our current strategy is to focus on what we need now without worrying too much about what our future needs might be. This approach seems to be working: we've tackled two issues already.

First, about baby number 3. We've decided not to proceed with that plan. Let's see what we make of our newfound freedom; let's venture into this next phase of our life and see what we can do with it. IF we decide later that we do really want to add to our family, and are willing to go back to those baby years, we can try at that time. There are certainly plenty of women having babies in their early-to-mid forties and there's always the possibility of adoption if we want it badly enough. I just don't think deciding to have one now because I'm feeling pressed for time (reproductively speaking) is such a great move. And there are things I'm excited about trying now that I've got more freedom.

Second, about our living situation. We asked ourselves: What is the biggest issue right now? That's easy - space.

When we first moved to this apartment DD was a toddler (low physical energy, focussed) and DS was a newborn. Living here was easy and good. But now, 3 years later, I've got a son bursting with "boy energy". It's all about throwing, smashing, and breaking right now. It's crazy! And the two kids can't get away from each other when one needs a break, so there has been some bad fighting between them. Getting out to do "fun things" has become a chore because I no longer feel I have the option to spend a day at home nesting and baking muffins, kwim? We don't spend much time out and about in our neighbourhood (except to go to the playground and back) because DS always falls asleep in the stroller (and that means he's up way too late) so he's on foot and that totally limits the distance we can go, and of course doing errands is an exercise in insanity (picture trying to rush through the drug store to get toilet paper and diaper wipes while > 40lb son is having a tantrum because he doesn't want to go down that aisle and I have to try to carry him while he is thrashing around, while balancing a shopping basket over one arm and DD is ranting on about wanting a treat....). I now get my groceries delivered and do errands when DH is around to watch the kids. The benefits of urban living are not being felt that much these days.

So we need space, and we don't need a "walk everywhere" neighbourhood. We also don't need alot of access to homeschooling programs because the kids are still very young. We don't need access to alot of other children because my daughter doesn't do well with too much socialization and my son is currently on a mission to bitch-slap every child under the age of 3 that he encounters. The best situation is inviting friends over, but currently we have no room for that. Finally, we want the flexibility to move if we decide we hate it in our new locale, and also flexibility to adapt to the children's changing needs.

From all this an answer emerged: rent a house with a fenced-in yard, go to a rural area that is within commuting distance from the city but maximizes space and minimizes cost. We have 2 choices for location: the Valley (as it's known around here) or that-island-I-keep-talking-about. We're going to closely monitor Craigslist and other sources of rental info, and see which place yields a suitable home first.

Meanwhile, we continue along with Plan C, socking money away (we're already off to a great start and DH was right - it's rather exciting to watch that balance grow; I'm quickly getting over my impatience to own a home) until the right property to buy comes along.

There, now wasn't that easy?

Floating on a Sea of Indecision

2007-07-18T18:43:00.000-07:00

Man, I am going through some weird phase of my life - I can't seem to make my mind up about anything! Is this what happens in your midlife? Your brain turns to mush??

Last night I went to my knitting group. We met at a funky little tea shop in a hip part of town. Two of the mamas there will be joining our homelearning group this fall, and I was thinking what a nice community we're building. As I drove home watching the sun set over the mountains, sparkling off the water, shining on the glass walls of the highrises, and seeing all the people out everywhere...I felt this sudden pang of fear about moving to the island. Of course, I always seem to enjoy the city most when I'm out without my kids! But still...people are telling me stories about winter isolation, and ferry woes, and I'm wondering if I really appreciate the reality of what moving to this island will be like.

In a related story....last night was also supposed to be "babymaking" time. I'm fertile right now, and was so eager to see if we could "hit the bullseye", so to speak. But then as I drove home I got a sudden attack of cold feet. By the time I got home I just couldn't go through with it. Now I'm having doubts about doing this baby thing all over again!

Today my mother's helper came and it was with relief that I dropped them all off at the Aquarium (DD is adjusting to earlier wakeup times and has been a real handful the last couple of days). I went to my office to do some work. It was nice! I sat and listened to the summer rainstorm pattering on the glass windows - all was peaceful. I chatted with my friend whose son is a teenager...suddenly, going back and doing the baby thing all over again seemed silly. I've BTDT, twice. Why not jump into the next stage of life?

I think I'm stuck between two worlds right now. When I'm around my friends with newborns, the pregnant 40-somethings, I'm all over the idea of having another. But when I'm around the "I'm done" crowd, there seems to be a lot to offer there, too. And today I suddenly realized that if I am done, then I have a life of my own to start thinking about again! Yes, I'm a stay-home mother, and a homeschooling mother, but I could easily take a couple half-days a week off to pursue my business or some other paying gig. DH and I have talked off and on about getting an Au Pair, and I admit the idea is tempting...I could take time off whenever I needed it, and have an extra pair of hands around when I don't. 'Course the idea made more sense when we thought we might have 3 kids...

Well, faithful readers, I will say this - I'm not depressed or upset or stressed, so don't think I'm blue. I'm actually feeling really happy lately. Although I seem incapable of making a decision about anything these days, I feel blessed to have so many options available. So while you've probably all figured out by now that I don't know what I want (despite my endless attempts at rationalization), please don't think I'm feeling down. DH and I are having lots of fun discussing these endless plans - it may not be productive, but it is romantic!

Guess who slept through the night last night?

2007-07-17T17:00:00.000-07:00

.....ME!!

I can't even remember the last time I went to bed and was not woken up at some point during the night. Last night I went to bed and nobody woke me up! Nobody asked for water, or crawled into bed, or woke up crying or wanting to nurse....I went to sleep, and when I woke up it was morning!

Hallelujah!!!

Sleep Milestone for DS

2007-07-15T17:51:00.001-07:00

The night before last I put DS to bed in his bunk (it's a semi-bunk, about 3 feet off the ground) around 8:30. He hadn't napped and was tired. I worried that he'd wake a few hours later, and he did. I was blogging and heard him asking me for juice. I went in to the room and he was sitting up in bed. Oh boy, I thought, this can't be good. I got him a sippy cup of water, which he gulped down. He then put the cup beside his bed (on a small ledge) and lay back down.

Hmmm, I thought to myself. Let's just see what happens here.

I did not want to crawl up into his bed. I sure as heck didn't intend to nurse him (he's been fully nightweaned now for some time). He rolled over and assumed his "sleeping position". I rubbed his back. Whispered to him "go to sleep now". And he just lay there...

So I tiptoed out of the room thinking "Yeah right, you are SO wishful thinking here!" but he didn't say anything. I settled into my laptop again. I heard him say "wait, mama!" and I listened. But he didn't say anything more. About 5 minutes later I heard him say it again, "wait, mama!" and then nothing. I checked a few minutes later and he was fast asleep.

Wow.

And it happened again last night! Put him to bed, he woke in the middle of the night. I gave him some water, and he lay back down. It took a few minutes longer than last night, but not many more. I stood by his bed and lay my hand on his chest (this has been his favorite soothing gesture since he was only a few days old - perhaps he had an arm across his chest all the time while in utero). He tossed and turned a few times. I went back to bed. I heard him call out for me once, and then silence.

I feel like I've just crossed the finish line of a marathon. We did it! They all say "this too shall pass" and it DID. I have two kids now who sleep in their own beds and do not need me to crawl in bed with them and/or nurse them back to sleep when they stir at night. I feel like visiting every thread in the Nighttime Parenting threads of MDC and saying "Hey! We did it! It's true, they really DO eventually do it all on their own!!". And with no crying.

Of course I know there will be nights when the kids will need me. And they are always welcome in our bed any time. I enjoy those snuggles. But I admit it has been pretty cool going to bed with just DH, after all these years. I'm so glad we let it happen naturally. It feels wonderful!

Chippers Unite

2007-07-13T21:41:00.000-07:00

I started smoking when I was about 19 years old. I had just moved out of my mother's house for the first time and was living with 3 other girls my age. We had lots of parties and went to night clubs on weekends. They all smoked and I soon found that inhaling my own cigarette was more pleasurable than inhaling everybody else's secondhand smoke.

But I was different than many smokers I knew. I could never stomach smoking in the morning. It made me feel very nauseated and ill. And I couldn't smoke more than a few cigarettes a day. I also didn't seem to "need" them the way others did. If I was at my mother's house, or out for dinner, I could go without a cigarette with no distress. People said I would eventually get addicted and smoke more and more, but I never did. I smoked for the next 14 years and kept that same pattern. I rarely smoked during the day unless I was going through something extremely stressful. I would have 3 or 4 cigarettes over the course of an evening, after dinner. And that was that.

When I was 33 and newly married I suspected I might be pregnant. I took a home pregnancy test and while I was waiting the requisite 3 minutes, I had a cigarette. I knew that if the test was positive it would be my last smoke for a long time. And it was. My test turned out to be positive.

I've just finished reading The Tipping Point. In it, the author addresses the issue of teen smoking. He points out that the current strategy for curbing teen smoking is to prevent teens from getting access to cigarettes, the idea being that if they don't start then they won't get addicted. The author claims that of all the teens who try smoking, a third of them find it so unpleasant that they never take it up as a habit. Another third become addicted. The final third he called "chippers".

Chippers smoke about 5 cigarettes a day, don't smoke in the morning, and can go without smoking for prolonged periods with no distress or difficulty. Chippers seem to have the sort of weak tolerance for nicotine that allows them to engage in enough smoking to get the pleasurable effects of nicotine, without being able to smoke enough to get addicted. Like myself, chippers feel sick and have other unpleasant effects if they smoke more than about 5 in one day. It seems us chippers have the kind of genetic makeup that is resistant to addiction. It was neat to read that smokers like me are part of a known group of individuals who seem to defy current wisdom that says smoking is always addictive.

I remember many years ago in an undergraduate lecture in pharmacology, a prof spoke of the theory that certain people are prone to addiction, while others are actually resistant to it. For example, among the general population, a significant number of individuals possess a genetic mutation that makes it difficult for them to properly metabolize alcohol. The get a buildup of a byproduct that produces nausea and vomiting - overindulging in alcohol has extremely unpleasant consequences for such people. However, among the population of alcoholics only a tiny fraction of individuals had this mutation (apparently they were so messed up that drinking was worth it despite the fact that it made them so ill).

After this lecture I was convinced that I fit the profile of those who are resistant to addiction. Smoking in the morning, or smoking too much, made me feel very ill. Ditto with drinking. And while I certainly indulged in drinking during my younger, party days I was never on a par with the true party animals. I couldn't hold much alcohol, and my hangovers were nasty affairs that left me basically unable to cope. Because of this, the times I actually got really drunk were few and far between. Even smoking pot produced enough unpleasant effects that I was never interested in doing so. And I wondered....were there other people like me?

Now I know...we're chippers!

more on Island Life

2007-07-11T18:04:00.000-07:00

These gorgeous pictures were taken during an annual event on Our Island where a local diver brings up samples of sea life for kids and other interested folks to examine. Perhaps next year, we'll be in those photos!

Taste of Island Living

2007-07-10T21:26:00.001-07:00

We're on day 4 of our 6 day stay on one of the San Juan Islands, off the coast of Washington. This is part of the same island chain as Our Island (the one we are planning on moving to as soon as a house becomes available). We're staying in a cabin at a beachside resort. As I compose this, I'm sitting out on the deck, listening to the waves lapping at the shore, watching the sun set over the islands in the distance.

Being here has given us a taste of what it might be like living on Our Island. I love it. I can't wait to move.

The roads are "country roads", lined with thick vegetation that alternates between tall grasses, shrubs, raspberry bushes, and flowering plants and then stretches of cool green forest with tall trees forming a canopy over the roadway. It is very much like the country roads in the areas we were looking at previously for an acreage.

In many ways, changing our plans has not really altered the lifestyle we wish to lead and so is not as dramatic a change as it may seem up front. The feeling of "being away from it all" is still here, as is the feeling of space and privacy between properties. But here is an important "extra" - the ocean. Everywhere on the island you feel connected to the sea, even if you can't see it from where you are at the moment. You can smell it. You can taste it in the air. And you can hear it.

I love the ocean, having grown up on the coast myself. And even though our home in the city is very close to the ocean, it's just not the same sense of it as you find here. I can't even see the sunset from our place because it faces directly North and stares right into another building across the street. There is far too much noise to ever hear the ocean. And the breezes are so blocked and diverted by the scores of highrises in our neighbourhood that you can't even really smell it all that often,

Here in the island the kids have been roaming around with far more freedom than they'd have in the city. Other than day 2, when I caved in and rented a TV/VCR for 24 hours, the kids have not had any entertainment in the cabin other than a handful of books we brought with us. And yet they have been endlessly busy. The get up and go outside first thing in the morning. Between the beach, our friend's cabin across the way, and the fishing pond there are so many things for them to see and do. And, as young children do, they find hours of entertainment in the small things like catching crabs or moths.

Yesterday we went into "town" and the kids fell asleep on the way. We left them in the car in the little parking lot of the cafe/art gallery and took turns going out to check on them every few minutes or so. We could never do this in the city, but here we felt very comfortable doing so - there were a handful of cars in the lot, a handful of people eating out on the porch that views the lot, and to get into our car one would set off the alarm - that's background noise in the city, but here it positively shatters the peace.

I feel that, in the last few days, my kids have had more of a "real" childhood experience than they've ever had. There does not seem to be such a boundary between indoor and outdoor, between us and other children, and of course between ourselves and Nature. I am so excited about bringing this lifestyle to our family full time. I can't imagine why this didn't occur to me sooner, but then I think that this journey I've been on, with all it's changing plans, has all been a necessary part of that process. I've researched and explored all sorts of different living arrangements, from being in a bigger city condo, to being in a house in the city, to being on a rural acreage with a pied a terre in the city, and now to being on an island with easy city access. I can't say for certain that this represents the end of the journey, but it's an exciting next step. One I fervently hope we can bring to reality soon. It's going to be very hard to go back to city living after this week. Thank goodness it's summer and we have plenty of camping trips planned!

A day of decision-making

2007-07-02T19:43:00.001-07:00

I wrote recently about the death of City Mouse, Country Mouse. It was affordable in terms of a monthly budget, but not so much when we looked at the bigger picture and what we want for our future. So it came down to choosing - do I want to be a City Mouse and deal with a small apartment and no outdoor space (without having to pack up the kids and go with them to said outdoor space), OR do I want to be a Country Mouse and live far out from the city? Problem with the latter is that DH still needs to commute to work, and to do so from the acreages we have been looking at is prohibitive in both cost and (more importantly) time away from the family. And...we can't afford acreages that are close enough to the city to do a daily commute.

In the last 48 hours I've gone through a series of mental workouts trying to figure out what I really want and what is important to me here in the short term. What could I live with (and not live without) in the next few years? The first thing I realized was that the size of the outdoor space needn't be so big - I wasn't planning on having horses and other livestock for a few years anyways. Mostly I just want a garden to grow herbs and vegetables, and some room for my kids to run around in. Here in the city, that will cost you almost a million dollars (no, I'm not exaggerating), and you'll be sandwiched between two other houses on a street where buildings outnumber trees and shrubs 20 to 1. Or you could move way over to the east side of town and guarantee you'll be spending most of your time a) in a car and b) stuck in traffic. Or you could move to a suburb and spend your life in commuter hell trying to escape. So what to do?

And then it hit us - there's an Island community, one of the beautiful Gulf Islands that lay off the lower mainland of British Columbia, and it's a short 15 minute ferry ride to the mainland. It connects to a highway that is an almost direct route to a) my mother, b) the inlaws, and c) DH's work place. It has a well-established and involved community, a homelearning community, and lots of events and community organization. And some friends of ours, an unschooling family, just moved there a few months ago.

Today we visited the Island. First we drove around for a while looking at houses. It definitely feels like you are not in the city! It reminds me of the area where we were looking to buy an acreage - woodsy, with houses set either far apart or with so much greenery in between that you feel you have no neighbours. But this place is actually much closer to the city. I could easily plan a last minute day trip to meet up with my city-dwelling mamas, should the desire strike me. And yet you are deep in the temperate rainforest of the pacific coast - my favorite landscape in the world.

We're hoping to buy a place, but it is pricey over there. In fact we'd ruled it out before because we couldn't afford an acreage. But now that we'd be happy with just a decent size yard the possibilities have opened up some. We're still looking at the lowest end of the price range, but there is hope. In the meantime, if a suitable rental property comes up we'll happily grab it and proceed with Plan C until we find a home to buy there. Might be a nice way to "test drive" the community, while allowing us to be patient in waiting for the right place to buy.

As we headed home we felt very excited about this new plan. And there was something else we were excited about too...we've decided to go ahead and stop "not trying to get pregnant" (!!!). I think it's as close as either of us can come to saying "yes, we want another baby". If our past track record still holds, I'll be pregnant before summer's end. To hell with trying to use logic and reasoning, I can't get it out of my head so I might as well give it the ol' college try. Then, even if it turns out my eggs are dried up and my uterus has retired, at least I won't spend the rest of my life wondering "what if?"!

Working on attachment

2007-07-01T16:52:00.000-07:00

DD's unpleasant behaviours have been escalating lately, both in intensity and frequency. At first I chalked it up to a transitional phase as she approaches age five. That whole disequilibrium thing. But it's getting to the point where every single detour from how she thinks things should be, produces an immediate response involving screeching, defiant language ("you can't make me! I won't!"), stern body language (arms crossed tightly in front of chest, deeply furrowed brow), sometimes hitting, and often namecalling ("stupid!!" is very popular right now). So last night I decided to watch some more of the Power to Parent series that I got from Gordon Neufeld's site.

I started out by reviewing the section on "guidelines for handling incidents". They are as follows:

Don't try to make headway, instead try to do no harm.
Don't attempt to control the child, instead take charge of circumstances.
If you have to convey that the behaviour is not okay, emphasize that the relationship is okay.

In short, "back out of incidents and into the relationship". I've fallen into an awful habit of trying to address the behaviour and respond to it right then, in the moment. I needed to be reminded that this is pointless and ineffective. I also needed to be reminded that the relationship is the priority.

Another point that hit home to me was his discussion of how we, the parents, must be responsible for the relationship. For example, I need to "assume responsibility for fulfilling my child's attachment hunger". I began to think of all the times DD asks me to do something with her and I say no. I'm busy, I'm cooking, I'm cleaning, I'm doing this or that...looking back I have not spent much one-on-one time with her lately (but my house has been tidy!). She comes to me wanting her "attachment cup refilled" and I send her away. I'm going to work on saying "yes" to her more often. I know alot of her behaviours are signals that she needs my attention.

His second point about this was to ensure that we convey the message that the relationship is more important than conduct or achievement. I often "talk the talk" by telling my DD "I love you no matter what". But my intense and angry responses to her bad behaviours, my chastising and fuming, do not "walk the walk".

I stopped watching at the end of this section because I was very tired and because I'd already filled my head with a lot of information that I needed to process and reflect on. I haven't even gotten to the section on Counterwill yet, which I will watch with riveted attention. But for now I am going to try and focus on these issues. One, stop reacting to behaviours! And two, take responsibility for filling that attachment cup. I think I rest on my laurels a bit, thinking "yeah, my kid is attached". But the relationship must be worked on and fed, and unlike a marriage you cannot expect the child to contribute to that. As Neufeld says, whether you feel it or not, you have to send the message that YOU are the answer. He also reminded me that, accordingly, when I screw up, making apologies or asking forgiveness is a no-no. Instead, admit that you weren't happy with the way you handled the situation, and then move on.

I'm not going to sink into a pity party, or guilt myself into inaction. Rather, I'm going to put that energy into working to get out of the bad habits I've fallen into, and see if that brings about some change to DD's behaviours.

Major family budget analysis

2007-06-30T10:17:00.000-07:00

Several months ago I announced our plan to have a home in the country and a home in the city and divide our time between the two places. I began that blog entry with the following:

Those of you who have followed my blog for some time now will already have recognized that, when it comes to plans for the future, I change my mind frequently. Actually, DH and I like to say that we are Dreamers. We love making plans for the future, even though we know that a particular plan may not ever manifest itself and that it's likely to change completely down the road...it's the dreaming-about-it part that we enjoy so much. Keep this in mind as you read the following post, so that if I completely change my mind 3 months from now you can't call me a flake, lol.

Well, I'm here to report that we have, in fact, changed our plans.

After our intent to purchase the Xmas tree farm fell through, we sat down with our budget to see what our options were with regards to other properties on the market. What was supposed to be a brief examination of the budget turned into a two day, major analysis of our current and future financial situation involving numerous Excel worksheets.

The first point that became immediately apparent is that having two homes when one of them is rented is a colossal waste of money. Whether or not it fits comfortably into the monthly budget, the long term costs of doing so prompted a substantial reality check. So much for City Mouse, Country Mouse.

We then did a 1.5 year- and a 3 year projection based on 3 possible scenarios. Plan A called for emphasis on rapid debt reduction, putting everything towards our car loan and a small sum we owe to my mother, and putting just shy of 10% net income into an RRSP each month. Plan B called for purchasing a piece of real estate immediately (whether it is "the one" or just a place holder), keeping debt payment schedules "as is", and keeping the 10% RRSP contribution. Plan C called for putting almost everything into an RRSP, save for a small amount to slowly pay off our debt to the Bank of Mum.

The results were surprising to me. Plan B turned out to be the worst scenario, because in the short term of 1.5 to 3 years one doesn't gain a whole lot of equity in real estate. Plus one accepts the risk that real estate values could go down. Paying off loans early also didn't make much sense, because as much as I love the words "debt free" one must consider interest rates. We got our car financed for 3.9% interest; paying it off early would save us only about $1300. But the extra money used to pay it off early could instead be put into an RRSP and earn us considerably more than $1300. In fact, thanks to our attractive RRSP laws here in Canada it turns out that maxing out our allowable contributions each year will net us considerably more money in 1.5 and 3 years than any of the other plans. Plan C was the winner.

So as of July we will begin Plan C. But....we're still looking at real estate! It takes time to find the right place, and each month that we follow Plan C puts us ahead. Right now, the right property for us has not appeared, but when it does Plan C will put us in an even better position to buy than we are right now (because in Canada, first time home buyers can withdraw money from their RRSP to use as a downpayment; thus we pay with pre-tax dollars). And if the right place comes up tomorrow, we'll go for it.

The only question now is whether we will buy a home in the city and postpone the dream of buying land for a few years, or whether we will try to find an acreage that is within commuting distance of the city and see how I handle living in a rural suburb.

Goodbye Dream Property

2007-06-30T10:11:00.000-07:00

We found out on Wednesday that our dream property will not become a reality for us.

There are several bylaw and city permit issues on the property, which we were prepared to rectify if the price was adjusted accordingly. If they aren't addressed, fines will follow. One building must be torn down and its septic tank removed. The second building has an addition that is not up to code, and so must be upgraded. Its septic tank must also be removed and a new one put in. So rental income #1 is gone, and rental income #2 cannot proceed without renovations. Nevermind the whole wetlands issue, these two issues alone will cost around $50,000.

But when our realtor told the listing agent we'd be submitting an offer with the above considerations he basically said "Don't Bother". Apparently, they are willing to wait for some poor sucker to come along who doesn't do their homework and fails to realize what they've gotten themselves into until it's too late. I wish the seller good luck in finding that sucker, but we're going to move on.

We are lovers in a dangerous time

2007-06-25T18:25:00.000-07:00

Despite all my rational weighing of the pros and cons of having another child, despite the recognition that having another child is really not something I should be pursuing, I cannot get thoughts of it out of my head.

On Saturday my friend K and I went to a baby store so she could buy a car seat and few last minute items for her baby girl, due any day now. Going to a baby store is not a good way to get over the notion of wanting another baby. As we sat eating our lunch afterwards, I thought I could feel the urges passing. Giving a nod to marketing, I figured once I'd gotten the baby store experience out of my system I'd be back to my good ol' "no more babies for me!" self.

Then on the way home we stopped to deliver a sling (my friend sells them). As I watched K fitting the buyer, talking about how to wear the baby, I felt those urges pulling once again. I told myself over and over that it's all fine to look at the cute slings and the cute little onesies but the reality of 24 hour need and nightwaking and baby spitup all over you isn't quite so adorable.

And yet, when I got home and DH greeted me, I practically attacked him in a fit of passion - I had nothing short of babymaking on my mind. Not that he minded - it hasn't been so long since my libido returned to normal that he would look a gift horse in the mouth. The kids seemed to sense that we wanted to be alone, and it took a major feat of parenting finesse (read: bribery) to get enough alone time to...ahem. And oh, what do you know? - we were out of condoms. It may be a sad reflection on the mundane nature of lovemaking when you are married with young children, but the notion that we were flying "unprotected" was very exciting. It added this whole new level of "risque" to our fun.

I know it was a "dangerous" time to be taking such chances. When I'm ovulating, my body makes it very obvious. It's as if it's saying to me "hey, just so you know, there's an egg ready here!". Just two days earlier it had begun, and I believe ovulation lasts a few days...well, we'll find out in a couple of weeks whether DH hit the bullseye. I'm really not all that convinced we can do it so easily, although our past history might suggest otherwise. To be honest, there's a big part of me that thinks it simply can't happen, and I think that's why all this seems so fun.

So thoughts of having another child are once again running through my mind. DH and I had such a nice afternoon yesterday with the kids; we are enjoying them so much it seems natural to want to add another. And as I was out with the kids today I was struck by a thought: no matter how crazy it seems to have 3 kids, no matter what I feel could go wrong by trying to have another, the truth is that once that third child is here...there will be no regrets. For how could I possibly wish I didn't have one of my children? Looking at how much I love my kids, and knowing I will love a third one just as much, it seemed that whatever worries I may have now about the process, I will never regret it once that little person has arrived.

And so I'm left resigning myself to the fact that there's no point in trying to rationalize this decision. Until DH goes and gets himself snipped, there will always be the possibility of another pregnancy. And seeing how much fun it is to engage in the sexual version of russian roulette, I think at this point DH and I are both game to just play along and take what we get.

I surrender, Ma Nature!

my bipolar day

2007-06-23T09:03:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was our much-anticipated return visit to the property we are interested in buying. When we got there it had been drizzling, but after about 5 minutes it cleared and the sun came out. We spent a good hour wandering around the property, checking out everything we could think of. There were three kids (our two, and our realtor's son who is DD's age) and they had a blast. Every time I turned to look at them they were bent over some insect-of-interest, or walking through tall grass, or running around. We basically just let them roam free and said "stay in sight" and they did and it was all good.

In the one hour we were there we saw: a beautiful young male deer who stood and stared at us nonplussed for some time before calmly walking off into the forest, three golden yellow finches, two brightly coloured hummingbirds, some kind of swallow - a pair dipping and swooping and performing amazing aerial acrobatics, and lots of interesting beetles. The birds in particular mesmerized me. It was soooo quiet there, except for the birdsongs. They weren't loud or raucous as the crows and gulls in our neighbourhood are. They were sweet and musical and just the right volume. Several times I would just stop and listen and marvel in how my soul felt light and bouyant, and how the breaths I took seemed fuller and sweeter. The silence (lack of traffic or any other city noises) was lovely and restorative.

As I wandered, I imagined the days spent in a place like this: the kids out exploring every day, from morning until evening, building forts, collecting bugs, playing with sticks and puddles, collecting leaves and interesting seeds; all the opportunities for learning occurring right outside our door (nature's classroom indeed!); the opportunity for me to do productive work, like gardening and landscaping, without having to try and contain the energy of two rambunctious kids; and of course the opportunity to enjoy peace - sitting on a deck sipping lemonade and reading a book while the children play and muffins bake in the oven.

I become more elated with each minute we spent there. I am not one to contain excitement, and it was all I could do to not babble incessently and excitedly about every little thing I came across. Finally I looked at DH, who gave his nod of approval (he's the "silent type" in our family), and we talked about sitting down and generating a 5- and 10-year plan for the place. We went over the draft offer our realtor had put together. All was good and I was almost bouncing on my way out.

We went into town for lunch and then headed over to meet the listing realtor for a chat and to ask a few questions. And that's when he dropped the bomb: the lower corner of the property, which provides a perfect drainage outlet for the gently sloping land, is an undesignated wetlands area. What this means is that, at any time now or in the future, if someone decides that this particular spot needs to be protected, they can slap a "wetlands" label on it and from that point onwards we would be severely restricted in our use of the land: if we hadn't built a home yet we may be prevented from ever doing so; if we had we'd not be allowed to replace it or add to it; we might lose the right to have livestock on the property, and many other issues related to protecting wetlands. Now I'm all for protecting wetlands and it's not like we wouldn't keep that part of the property exactly as is anyways. But from a financial perspective this is a potential death sentence for our investment.

Our realtor is going to get in touch with the relevant government offices to follow up on this information, but right now it's looking pretty unlikely that we'll be pursuing this property any further. The only glimmer of hope is the parcel of land next door, which is owned by the same guy. His realtor said the owner wants to sell that piece in the near future and he might be willing to consider an offer on it first. It's on higher, flatter ground and is actually more valuable. But it has a creek running along the side of it that drains into the same wetland area and that might make it vulnerable to the same restrictions. We'll persue that as well this coming week.

So the manic state of happiness I experienced after touring the property was replaced by a crushing feeling of disappointment and frustration. Being out there for that brief hour made me want this even more. And I despair that it will never happen ("never" meaning "not soon enough"). I know I need to be patient. I know that somewhere there's a property out there for us. I'm just no good at waiting!

The Amazing Journey of One Diaper

2007-06-20T19:34:00.001-07:00

I didn't start cloth diapering my firstborn until she was 8 months old, and then I started with simple, rather utilitarian diapers. When I became pregnant with my son, I decided to go all out and get "gourmet" diapers. I had them custom made from several WAHM companies around the US (I was lucky to be in the States at the time), and put together a deliciously adorable stash of teeny-weeny bundles of cottony joy that any diaper hyena* would drool over.

But alas, my son grew so fast that in no time he had outgrown most of them. I sold them off via the Trading Post at the MotheringDotCommune and used the money towards buying the next size up. This time, I narrowed it down to one brand that worked particularly well for him and we've been with them ever since.

During this recent period of contemplating baby #3 I suddenly remembered my ol' diaper stash. Sadly, I had no photos of those diapers and I didn't even save one as a keepsake. I really regretted that deeply. I was talking about it with DH a couple of weeks ago and asked him if he remembered the Dim Sum diaper. It was a hemp, side-snapping fitted diaper that I'd had made with a fabric that showed little dim sum dishes on it. Dim Sum is huge in my family, so it had deep meaning for me. DH and I both spoke fondly of that diaper, and he recently tried (unsuccessfully) to find it online (I had forgotten the brand name) to show to a colleague whose wife is trying to convince him to go cloth with their soon-to-be firstborn.

In a related story: my friend K is due with her third child any day now. She is an MDC mama, but an admitted cloth diaper flunkie. She started both her kids with diaper services, but soon tired of the laundry and resorted to 'sposies. This time she wants to give it "a real try" and has been asking around about good brands. One of our fellow MDC mamas, J, informed K that she has a stash of diapers sitting around and would like to pass them on. The diapers were given to J by yet another MDC mama who was a beloved member of our knitting group until she up and moved to a 30 acre farm in Indiana. Sadly, J had a miscarriage and has been hanging on to the diapers hoping her infertility issues would be overcome. But she is now ready to part with them as she comes to the final stage of the adoption process (for a toddler who won't fit in them).

It happened that J had the chance to attend our knitting group last night (she lives quite far out of town) and so she brought the diapers with her. She handed K the two bags, but not before taking out one of the diapers. It was a hemp, side-snapping fitted diaper with a pattern of turtles all over it. It looked familiar to me. The next diaper she pulled out of the bag was a Dim Sum diaper. I couldn't believe my eyes. When she pulled out a third diaper, dark blue with planets and comets on it, I knew this was no coincidence. "Hey!" I said excitedly, "those are my diapers!".

Back when I sold my diapers, I didn't know the woman who eventually moved to Indiana. It's possible that I sold them directly to her (I'm going to write her soon and ask). I met her right before her baby was born, and I don't remember her mentioning that she had bought diapers from me. She became a good friend in the short time she was living here, and I was very sad to see her go. Her baby was very high needs; I didn't see him often, and I never had the chance to see his diapers. I didn't know she had passed them on to J, and when J asked me if I could pick the diapers up from a mutual friend to pass on to K (before she knew she'd see her at knitting group) I had no idea that these were from my beloved stash.

I never thought I would see my diapers again. K graciously let me take the Dim Sum diaper home with me last night. It is amazing to me that so recently I had thought about that very diaper, and thought it gone forever, and then last night it came back to me. If you are one of those types who believe that the Universe Provides then you might be nodding your head knowingly. I'm not going to go so far as to wonder at the "how". I'm just so happy to have it back. And it is even more precious to me now, knowing that it has passed through such a wonderful circle of women.

* the term "hyena" is used to refer to cloth diapering afficionados. It all started on MDC's famed diapering forum when Kendell from Freshies (who used to live in my 'hood!) commented on the phenomenon of stalking coveted WAHM diaper websites. Experienced diapering mamas would wait for the diapers to be stocked, and no sooner would the item be posted online than it would be bought. Kendall joked that they were like a pack of hyenas, closing in for the kill....and the term stuck. Here is one example of a "Hyena diaper". You will also see the term "hyena cart" at certain online retail sites. Hyenas originally posed big problems for shopping cart software, which generally didn't process inventory until the checkout process was completed. Thus hyenas could snatch the diapers right out of your cart! Hyena carts were developed to address the specific issues related to the rush on new diapering stock.

Okay, Two is Enough

2007-06-17T19:30:00.000-07:00

I wrote recently about my wandering thoughts on having another baby. I was really surprised by this sudden urge to seriously consider having another baby, and I wondered what it meant. Well, after much thought, lots of good conversations with mamas IRL and online, I've come to the realization that I really don't want to try for another baby.

My favorite trick when I'm trying to make a tough decision, is to imagine that I've made it (pick an option) and then see what my reaction is. I may feel elated and relieved (good choice) or apprehensive, restrained, hesistant, disappointed, crestfallen (bad choice). Whenever I imagined myself saying "Okay, this is it, let's try to get pregnant" I was, admittedly, excited. But there was also this nagging feeling at the back of my mind, like I was doing something irresponsible and potentially foolish for short-term gain (episodes of my love life came to mind!).

I learned from talking to other mamas that "considering another when you thought you were done" is very common. And I've decided it's also quite natural. From an emotional perspective, I think I needed to go through this mental process in order to grieve and move past this point in my life - the point where I realize that the days of sweet-smelling newborns and babes in slings is over. It is sad in a way, saying goodbye to a very wonderful, deep and meaningful phase of my life. Having my babies was nothing short of life-altering, and precious in more way than I could ever count. Recognizing that I'm moving out of that stage of life apparently necessitated some sort of closure from an emotional standpoint, and I believe this is why I went through this thought exercise.

And of course one cannot discount biology. Reproduction is the single biggest driving force in nature. Each and every creature on this earth, from a bacterium to an elephant, is driven to propagate the species; this instinct even overrides that of self-preservation. So it shouldn't be surprising that thoughts of having another child gave me pleasure, as they did my husband. The drive we felt was likely just Ma Nature saying "hey, spread thy seed! fill thy womb!" Knowing it was a natural urge made it easier to flow with it.

Ultimately it boiled down to recognizing that I'm truly ready to move on to the next stage of my life. Having a baby not only means putting that off for another 2 or 3 years, but it also means putting some things on hold for my present children, things that can't be done with a baby in tow. As one friend said, she was tired of "being on the sidelines" with a baby; now that her youngest is almost 3 she is able to get involved in activities again, like surfing and ziplining, and be the "fun mom" that her older children didn't even know existed.

Another friend mentioned that their family were planning to do the Olympics in style (Vancouver is hosting the 2010 Winter Olympics). It occurred to me then that my kids will be 6 and 8 when the Olympics get here - definitely able to "do" the Olympics. But if I have another baby, that child will be just 2 and not at all able to do the Olympics - too old to sit still in a sling, but too young to run free at events attracting tens of thousands of spectators. I'd either be stuck on the sidelines, or finding someone to take the child off our hands so the rest of the family could "have fun". I don't want that for any child of mine, to be the "party pooper", the one who gets fawned off on others so I can enjoy doing something, or who ends up with me caring for him/her and resenting the fact that the rest of the family is off doing fun stuff.

I gave my all for my babies. My life changed completely and I embraced those changes willingly and lovingly. But I know in my heart there isn't much left of that to give, and it wouldn't be fair to my next baby not to have what my first two had. I've had a taste of The Next Stage and I'm thrilled about it. Here are just a few things I'm planning on doing with the kids in the next couple of years: joining the Young Naturalists Club, learning rock climbing at a local indoor climbing centre, geocaching, swimming, cycling, hiking, skiing, ice skating, horseback riding and various road trips.

Having recognized within myself that Two is, and always has been, my own personal magic number has been liberating. I'm glad I went through the process of seriously considering another; now I know I am truly done. And while it's sad to say goodbye to the baby phase, the next phase has so much excitement waiting in it...and you know, there's always my future grandbabies to hold!

Graduation: it's not just for graduates anymore!

2007-06-15T21:25:00.000-07:00

Last night I attended what I thought was the high school graduation ceremony for my best friend's son. But when the emcee welcomed everyone I discovered that this was, in fact, a "School Leaving Ceremony". The kids paraded across the stage, held the principal's hand in a frozen smile-for-the-camera moment, and received their...wait for it..."School Leaving Certificate". I kid you not.

You see, the kids still had exams to write. Technically they were not graduates. And apparently some of them will not be graduating at all this year. But you can't have a ceremony that isn't totally inclusive, so instead they put on this big production just to mark the fact that the kids are leaving the school (with or without their blessing).

From a homeschooler's perspective this was hysterically funny.* But even if your children should be heading down the path to their own "School Leaving" ceremony one day, you gotta admit this is just silly.

* I wrote a lengthier post (okay, a rant) about this over at my homelearning blog

Weight issues already

2007-06-14T22:43:00.000-07:00

Today I met up with a couple mama friends at a park that has a small pond. It wasn't all that hot out, but the kids decided to throw off their clothes and go wading anyways. I had a chance to observe DD frolicking with the other two almost-5 year olds and it became quite apparent to me that DD is getting chunky.

No, I'm not paranoid or obsessed with weight. I'm not trying to be hysterical or anything like that. I weighed DD tonight and she is 47 lbs. She has gained at least 2 pounds in the last couple of months or so. According to this chart, she is about 90th percentile. But what matters more to me is what I see. I've been a bit suspicious for a while, but today I felt it was clear that DD was moving towards an unhealthy weight.

I'm concerned about weight for two reasons. One, because I know there is an epidemic of childhood obesity and I fully believe that responsibility for this lies almost solely in the domain of the parents. I swore I would never let my kids get to an unhealthy weight (note I didn't say "fat"). I do not want to be the parent of an obese child, not just because it's robbing them of health and life, but also because I believe it reflects badly on myself as a mother and I take pride in my job; I want to do it well.

Two is because I have an incredible sweet tooth and I am admittedly addicted to sugar. I've managed to indulge for the last several years without being penalized by the bathroom scale because I've been lactating and burning off excess calories, but that joy ride is over now. Unfortunately, when getting myself a daily treat (say a chocolate bar) I would get DD one too. A box of Smarties has more impact on a 4 year old than a Kit Kat does on a 39 year old. I know that DD has my sweet tooth and that makes me feel double responsible. It's hard enough for me to restrict myself; I can't expect her to do it. To make matters worse, I realized we've also been eating takeout alot lately, as I seem to have flunked out of my own meal planning program.

I'm taking this very seriously and soberly. I have fallen into some bad habits and it's time to put a stop to it. If there is anything I cannot abide it would be to fail my child by feeding her too much crap and setting her up for a lifetime of weight and health issues. On the bright side, doing it for her benefit may just be the motivator I need to cut back on sweets for myself as well. Thank goodness it's summer and there are lots of yummy fruit choices (nectarines are lovely right now!). Now, if I can just solve my baking dilemma....

Healthy Baking: an oxymoron?

2007-06-14T17:28:00.000-07:00

I wrote recently that I'm enjoying baking, and doing more of it lately. It is an effective way to get veggies into my kids' bodies. But I'm running into some issues with the recipes. They use a lot of sugar!

I have a great recipe for zucchini muffins. They are chock full o' the green stuff, but also include almost 2 cups of sugar (a mix of mostly white, and some brown). I mentioned before how I tried reducing the amounts of sugar, but discovered that it's there for more than just flavour - the chemistry of baking requires the stuff. When I reduce the sugar, I get denser muffins with a not-so-pleasing texture. The zucchini ones are edible, with a generous dab of homemade organic butter, but they aren't the sort you'd bring to a picnic with your friends.

I tried carrot muffins for the first time last week. I Googled "healthy carrot muffins" in an attempt to find something that wasn't so sugar-laden. I chose this recipe. I used cows milk instead of soy, and I skipped the sunflower seeds. I got suspicious when mixing the batter - it was far too dry. I had to add another 1/3 cup of milk to get it at a decent consistency, but even then I was certain something wasn't right. Sure enough, they had the weight and density of hockey pucks and the taste was bland. Even my homemade organic butter was not enough to make these palatable. Most ended up in the trash.

I know whole wheat flour is heavy. Even with my homemade waffles and pancakes I use half wheat and half white. I'm beginning to despair that healthy muffins = yucky muffins. Or, at the very least, muffins that don't make you go "Yum!". I know I'm very new to this idea of baking, but I'm not hopeful that there is a magic answer out there. I don't know enough to look at a recipe and imagine how they'll turn out, but I sure don't want to be going through tons of recipes wasting food to find something I can live with from a nutritional perspective and enjoy eating (and sharing!) at the same time.

I'll welcome all tips, recipes, and pointers from you readers. Please, tell me I can have my muffins and eat them too!

I'm prob'ly the last person on earth...

2007-06-13T19:06:00.000-07:00

...to see An Inconvenient Truth.

Everyone has been oo-ing and ah-ing about it, and I finally picked it up yesterday in anticipation of my last night alone before DH returned from his business trip.

I watched with a somewhat skeptical eye. DH can't stand Gore and showed little enthusiasm for the film. I heard that Gore might be running in '08 and cynically wondered if this movie was just a sideways attempt at kicking off his campaign.

Yes, it's true, I don't trust TV anymore. I don't believe in "reality TV", I know everything is heavily edited, and that the guy doing the talking is likely reading a script that was handed to him, rather than speaking from his heart. When Gore got all teary-voiced talking about his son's accident and how it changed his perspective I couldn't help but wonder which Hollywood spin artist said "hey, put this in, it'd be great!". Ditto for the bits about the 'ol Gore family farm. As much as I like the gist of the message he's putting out, I confess that I find that, for me, Al Gore just oozes "used car salesman". Maybe it's that dorky American accent which, thanks to the current administration, will be forever etched in the minds of The Rest of The World as the voice of Howdy-Doody. I mean Dubbya, as in Bush.

My take on global warming thus far is this: it may be the biggest, fastest warmup the Earth has experienced in the last few hundred thousand years, but the Pale Blue Dot was here before us, and will be here after us. Many species are long gone, and many species are yet to appear. The dominant life form has gone from single-celled organism, to invertebrates, to reptiles, to mammals. I'm not worried for the Earth. And while I find species extinction sad, it's the same kind of sad I feel when I see a baby water buffalo being brought down by a pack of hyenas on National Geographic. What makes humpback whales any more valuable on a Pan-historical scale than the Trilobyte?* Heck, if it weren't for mass extinctions, none of us would be here.

In terms of the here and now, and in the "what does this mean for ME" category, I figured that man would adapt to global warming the way man has always adapted. We have technology, after all. Things get hotter, we can cool them. Heck, we're planning to build habitats on Mars for Pete's sake. I'm sure we can handle a bit of temperature change, right?

Well, that's the part of the movie that really hit home to me: the maps showing what familiar places will look like after a 20 ft rise in sea level. Now I assumed these changes would take place on a slow enough scale (like over 50 years or more) that the net result would be a total loss on waterfront real estate investments (goodbye Richmond, BC), while those of us smart enough to buy on higher ground would laugh all the way to the bank.

But the rate at which arctic ice seems to be melting is rather astonishing. It suggests that, in as little as ten years, we could see major elevations in sea level. This puts things in a different perspective. It would have significant effects on the economy for starters, not to mention all the displaced people. Suddenly I found myself having thoughts of the militia-type folks who are prepared to homestead their way through Armeggedon. Yeah, we're getting ready to buy 5 acres of productive land that is well up from sea level, but it occurred to me that defending that land might require a fast lesson in suburban warefare. After all, nothing gets creatures in a fightin' mood like a sudden scarcity of resources.

Okay, so maybe it won't be that bad, but it doesn't bode too well for our future. I am concerned about economic collapse. Not because all my stocks and bonds will be worthless, but because I associate economic collapse with something approaching anarchy. Without an infrastructure to make the changes required to adapt to our new environment, we could all end up in some unscorched version of those old post-nuclear fallout movies.

Fifty years is not much. I may be around in 50 years - my children will be and will have children of their own, possibly grandchildren. Like any mother, all I want for my children is to live in peace. For me, the biggest concern about global warming is that it will bring conflict, violence, and war into our lives. Not that I wasn't trying to do my bit before, but count me in as yet another individual who is concerned about global warming.

*just for the record, I tear up watching whales on our Blue Planet movies almost every time; I think they are spectacular, wondrous, and awe-inspiring. But perhaps that's just my anthropocentric perspective.

Eureka! or maybe not...

2007-06-12T16:21:00.000-07:00

A few years ago, when DD was small, we took a tour of our local landfill. They had an open house and it was an interesting day. I was very proud to have my daughter in cloth diapers, after discovering that diapers are the number 2 item in landfills. The number 1 item? Plastic shopping bags.

I've managed to cut down on them by using cloth grocery bags, and now having my groceries home delivered. But I used to reuse my plastic grocery bags to line my wastebins (kitchen and bathroom). I actually had to go out and buy "garbage bags" because I was running out of plastic grocery bags.

We live in an apartment building and have a garbage chute. I can't put garbage down the chute without it being contained, nor can I dump raw garbage in the dumpster. Stumped, I posted this question on the "Natural Home and Body Care" forum at MDC: what I can use as a substitute to plastic garbage bags? Not a person answered.

I was beginning to give up hope and then, while I was preparing to write a comment to this post by Miranda, it hit me:

If I'm composting (I plan to get a worm composter as soon as we have some property on which to grow stuff) then the garbage I throw out shouldn't be too wet, right? So then I could use *paper* bags, which are totally biodegradable...

Addendum: I was looking for photos of landfills with bags to add to this post, when I stumbled across various articles about the paper vs. plastic debate. Seems the manufacture of paper bags is not much "friendlier" than plastic, and they don't appear to degrade in landfills. It's true that plastic poses a threat to wildlife, whereas paper would not, but I'm not so sure I'm down with cutting trees for garbage bags...sigh! What's an environmentally-friendly wannabe to do? Apparently, just reusing my plastic bags for garbage is a big step, although it doesn't seem too satisfying at the moment...

Sorry, I just couldn't resist...

2007-06-12T15:56:00.001-07:00

Whattaya know - there's a term for it!

2007-06-09T22:09:00.000-07:00

When DH and I cooked up this scheme of dividing our time between the city and the country, it never occurred to us that there was already a term for that. I recently came across an article in our local newspaper that, to my surprise, described almost exactly what we are hoping to do. There's a term for folks like us: "double nesters".

The New York Times published an article on the concept, although their representative couples are doing it in considerably higher style than we plan to. One featured twosome own a fully furnished home in Florida and a similarly furnished condo in New York. Rather than driving a mere 90 minutes between homes, they have to fly.

The Times article notes: "Of course, this new lifestyle is largely open to people who have outgrown the obligations of young families." I had to giggle at this. More appropriately it is not open to people with children in school, where regular attendance is required. Those of us without such constraints on our kids' time can at least contemplate the idea. I mean, come on! That alone should make people go "wow, we should homeschool!", lol.

And while, in our area, it does require an income level that many would consider high, one could certainly do it for alot less if living in a region where real estate is not as pricey as it is here. And it's not like we have a luxury, decorated apartment in town nor a furnished, decorated country home. If all goes according to plan we'll likely end up living in a yurt on our property. And if we were to decide to buy the city home now, with our current budget, we'd be looking at a one bedroom apartment and seriously asking whether we could squeeze us all into a studio (hey, just for 2 or 3 days a week?)!

One thing that irked me about the Canadian article was the emphasis on "having two homes to decorate". Sheesh, is that really the primary reason for having such an arrangement? I'm so far away from thinking about decorating either place - I'm in this for the chance to get away from it all on a regular basis but still retain all the benefits of living in the city (exposing my kids to diversity, both ethnic and sexual orientation-wise, just for example). Being able to "try out different colour schemes" is really not up there on my list, ya know? Being able to make enough compost to grow my own vegetables? Now that is appealing.

But there is one commonality between the focus of these articles and our situation: there is no doubt that advances in technology have changed the way people work, and have allowed this situation to become possible for people who aren't retired. DH can work from home part of the time, and I can work from home virtually anywhere. All we need is an Internet connection and a post-office within a reasonable distance (for me) and we're both good to go. Certainly the ability to "telecommute", even partially, has opened up possibilities like this for many people.

So anyways, there ya go. We're wannabe double nesters. Huh...kind of sounds like a cocktail I think.

Life in the City

2007-06-09T16:42:00.000-07:00

I've been pining away for country life lately. But living in the city definitely has its place in my heart as well.

The Aquarium is a 20 minute walk away, via a lovely park and seawall route. They have an awesome jellyfish display.

And then there's the balcony. I hate our concrete box, but there are brief moments when a sliver of sunlight peeks in from the East and it can serve a purpose. For example, it's a place where kids can paint in their pajamas and mama doesn't worry about spillage or messes.

In my natural element

2007-06-07T08:47:00.000-07:00

When I was reading The Omnivore's Dilemma, I was particularly satisfied with the explanation given by Joel Salatin regarding what constituted humane treatment of farm animals. Joel raises chickens, pigs, and cattle for meat. The slaughter part is dealt with nicely in this chapter of the book, but what I loved was Joel's "recipe" for happy, healthy farm animals: keep them as close to their natural state as possible. Let them do what they were designed to do. For cattle, this means grazing. For chickens, this means digging in the soil for worms and grubs, for pigs this means rooting around for corn and other goodies. I thought it was a very succinct way of explaining what makes an animal happy: An animal is happy when it is allowed to do what its instincts tell it to do.

Lately I have been thinking about what makes me happy these days. I'm finding, much to my surprise, that I've been truly enjoying my "domestic duties" around the home. I discovered baking a while back and have recently increased my production. It's a great way to get rid of overripe bananas, to get some green veggies into my kids (zucchini) and, as I've just discovered today, a great way to get rid of a bunch of carrots that are just starting to wilt (carrot muffins are in the oven as I write this).

I'm finding that I'm happy puttering about my house, doing laundry and tidying up. This has come as a huge surprise to me, as it would anybody who knew me before I had kids. I was most definitely NOT the picture of a homemaker. Not only were my domestic skills sorely lacking, but I was on a professional career path and considered homemaking to be the ultimate expression of feminine inequality and submissiveness.

My attitudes towards motherhood and homemaking have changed considerably since I had children and became a SAHM. I'm finding these roles fulfilling in all sorts of ways. And it occurred to me the other day that perhaps my deep sense of happiness and fulfillment stems from the fact that I am in my natural element, being allowed to do what my instincts tell me to do. For tens of thousands (and probably hundreds of thousands) of years, women had a role as mothers, nurturers, gatherers, cooks, and keepers of the household (whatever form that took).

This is not to say that all women would be happy in this role, nor that women should not persue "non-traditional" roles. In fact, I'm a true believer in sequencing (having it all, but not all at once) and wish the concept was taught to girls in their teens so that they might consider it when planning for their future. I am also aware that such things as maternal instinct are not present in all women, all the time. Instead, maternal instinct waxes and wanes during times of plenty and times of scarcity - which includes not just "famine or feast", but emotional and socioeconomic stability as well (for a fascinating study of this read Sarah Blaffer Hrdy's book Mother Nature: maternal instincts and how they shape the human species),

In my journey as a mother I have found both motherhood and the role of stay-home-mom to be feminist issues, in contrast to how they have been portrayed through the latter half of the twentieth century - as a setback for all womenkind. I think what was missing all along was the recognition that women have power in these roles. We have instincts that make us uniquely suited to these roles. Both modern medicine and modern "parenting experts" have frequently failed to recognize the value of feminine and maternal instinct (consider the practice of "crying it out" to sleep train an infant - a practice that considers the maternal instinct to respond to and comfort a crying infant as a hysterical, irrational reaction that will permanently damage the child's emotional well being). Or the instinctual habits of the cosleeping mother and infant (everything from positioning to sleep cycle regulation), which are completely ignored by those suggesting that a mother's body is little more than a potential instrument of death waiting to smother her sleeping babe.

All of this is to say that I believe my fulfillment as a mother and "keeper of my home" stems from the fact that I'm being allowed to express myself in my natural element. I guess that makes me as happy as Joel's chickens!

A few steps closer...

2007-06-05T16:32:00.001-07:00

1) we got preapproved for a 10 year, fixed rate mortgage at 5.8%!!

2) the property we looked at a couple of months ago, the one with the Xmas tree farm on it, has dropped in price by $30k; we also realized that we could keep the bigger cabin rented and use the smaller one for a while, which would contribute $650/month to our mortgage payment. With that incentive it becomes a pretty sweet deal for 5 acres less than 90 minutes from downtown!

Our realtor returns from vacation tomorrow and will be contacting the listing agent to inquire about well and septic inspections, etc. I'm hoping we can go take another look at the place soon. If there are no major issues with the place we'll likely put an offer on it (subject to blah blah blah). It needs fencing, most of the Xmas trees will have to go, and the ground will need to be heavily tilled and seeded with pasture grasses...but we're in no hurry to do these things. Just having the land would be such a great start! Fingers crossed!!

'Tis the Season

2007-06-04T17:15:00.000-07:00

...for camping!!

This past weekend we made our first camping trip. We travelled 2.5 hours outside of town and stayed one night at a BC Parks campsite. We went for a dip in the lake, the kids roamed and played, we ate roasted hot dogs and marshmallows, and the kids got their first look at a night sky full of stars.

One of the things I love about BC is how many different types of climate/vegetation zones there are (I'm sure there's a more technical term for this!). Where we live is typical West Coast "temperate rainforest". Thick with evergreens crowded together, the forest floor spongy soft with layers of pine needles and thick humus, ferns and other lush growth thrive underneath the canopy of Douglas Fir and Western Red Cedar.

But drive a couple of hours to the northeast and you hit a type of desert. The ground is dry, rocky, and sand-
coloured. The trees grow spaced apart, their bark is a reddish-brown, and they are shorter than the ones near our home. The brush and grass that grows from the hard ground is coarse, spiky, and tough. Despite all the hard terminology, there is an immense beauty to it all. This photo is of the campground; in the background you can see the lake. Across the lake are huge swathes of rolling hills, only spotted with trees, mostly brownish-green in colour. It's neat to see so much open space, and this photo really doesn't do it all justice.

We set up camp quickly - this is car camping. Hey, we're with kids! So you load up your vehicle, drive into your little site, pitch your tent and set up your lunch on the picnic table. In the evening you light a fire in your pit, complete with roasting grill. You buy firewood at the park office (as well as ice cream, decks of cards, and any other stuff you could want). It's not exactly roughing it, but you absolutely feel as though you've "gotten away". The weather was 30 degrees that day and it felt marvellous to sit in the shade of a tree and watch the kids play.

And play they did. DD went looking for bugs, and was thrilled to find more than the usual selection of sow bugs and small garden beetles we usually have around home. She found all manner of caterpillars and interesting beetles and flying insects. DS was happy to just follow her around and watch whatever she was doing. But eventually he got into the spirit of it all and added to the collection in her plastic cup. I love that DD loves bugs, that she has no qualms in picking them up, and that she wants to bring them all home with her. I also love that she is young enough that I can free the captive souls overnight and she'll forget about them the next day, having been distracted by newer adventures. It was also nice that the site was open and we could see the road, which formed a large circle connecting all the sites, allowing the kids to wander down to other campsites where children their age were enjoying the great outdoors as well.

With DH getting every other Friday off (the first one is this Friday) we plan to do alot of these weekend getaways. There are literally hundreds of campsites in BC and we'd like to explore a variety of them. I look forward to this all year, and I know how quickly this season passes, so we're planning to take full advantage of it. I think our next trip might be to one of the Gulf Islands - I enjoy ferry rides as much as the kids do!

Thoughts on Number Three, Part I: the "cons"

2007-06-01T21:47:00.000-07:00

Yes, it's true. To my immense surprise I have found myself obsessing lately over the idea of having another child. My rational mind says that it's just my biological clock sensing that it's almost time to retire the womb and I should pop one more out while I still can. This same rational prt of my mind also interjects this pensive musing with shouts of "Are you INSANE??!!" every now and then.

I've always imagined my children as one girl and one boy, with the girl the oldest. That is exactly what I got, though I suspect the image in my head was simply a reflection of the family I grew up in (being exactly what I have now) rather than some psychic premonition. And when DS was born I felt in my heart that I was done. Nobody is more surprised than I am at the thoughts running through my head these days..

The reasons for not having any more children are almost endless. DS was not an easy baby to care for simply because he grew so heavy so fast that wearing him became an issue (although to be fair, I didn't discover the Ergo until he was 10 months old and it would have helped to have one earlier). Toddlerhood has been exhausting, as I've written here many times before. Last summer having to chase him everywhere sucked royally. Now with this scratching the toddlers thing I'm still having to shadow him and it is wearing me out.

And yet I'm finally tasting freedom. DD can put herself to sleep (a recent accomplishment, although I do lay with her sometimes) and can get herself up and into our bed if she so desires. DS sleeps through the night fairly often, and when he doesn't it's just one nightnursing. He is day-weaned now. We have babysitters: we can go out to, oh, rock concerts for example! Or other dates. We're just one potty-learning away from leaving the kids on an overnight with Grandma (it would be the first ever). I actually have a chance of going skiing this winter for the first time in six seasons. I have a libido again. We can go camping. I am *this close* to being strollerless. And...I'm going to be 40 in six months!

For the last few days I've been going about my day with the kids imagining that I have a baby in tow. Getting out of the house would take even longer than it already does, raising the distinct possibility that, should I have another child I might never leave home again. Various scenarios have come up during our outings in which I thought "what the hell would I do right now if I had a baby with me?". Everything from me having to go to the bathroom (and dragging two kids with me) to helping DS eat, getting rocks out of DD's shoes (involving lots of bending over), to lying in bed (at least right now I can have one on each side - who gets shut out if number three comes along?). DD has gotten the short end of the stick so many times because of her brother: like when we are at the Aquarium and every time DD stops to look at something her brother takes off and we have to run after him. Or me not being able to play with her or help her at the playground because I'm shadowing DS to ensure he doesn't commit random acts of violence on innocent young babies. We're finally getting to the point where that might be over for her and I want to start it all over again?

I have two healthy children. Dare I tempt fate again? I am getting older and risks of congenital defects increase substantially at my age. Having gone through a Down Syndrome scare with DS I am wary of the issue. I wonder what would happen should I give birth to a sick child, who would suck all my attention away from my other two. I would feel as though I gambled with my family's stability and future well-being, and lost. And my pregnancy with DS, which was almost 3 years ago, was not an easy one, especially in my last trimester. I was practically crippled by the end of it and could not walk more than a few blocks. My mother is not getting any younger, and already her ability to care for the kids is limited by DS. It won't be long before he doesn't need to be manhandled and his 40+ lb size won't be a hindrance to her, but adding another one (and recognizing that this third child could be just as huge) would set that all back (mind you, she could take the two of them off my hands and that would be nice).

I wear lipstick now, as I don't need to worry that it's going to rub off on baby's head (which I can't stop kissing) and earrings because I don't need to worry about them being yanked out by a baby, and I wear my engagement ring because I don't need to worry about scratching my baby with it, and I wear nice clothes sometimes because nobody is going to barf on them (although I do occasionally get snotty tear stains on my shoulders). And I wear nice bras that don't have fasteners on each cup, and I don't need to wear clothing that has built-in boob access.

I've sold or (mostly) given away all outgrown baby clothes, carseats, slings, Ergo, stroller maternity clothes...it would suck to have to go buy them all again when I had them and gave them away!

Finally, there's the thought that, being the travelling types we are (and we're just getting to the point where we're contemplating Europe), having another baby is like having another air fare. Once the youngest hits 2 we'd be buying five plane tickets, rather than four. Not cheap. Oh, and speaking of travelling, this acreage thing involves a rather long car trip from city to country each week. An hour or more can be torturous for a little one who doesn't like carseats. I recall both my kids going through that phase and don't relish the idea of adding a long commute to that (I have visions of me instructing DD to put a pacifier in the baby's mouth as we're driving down the Trans-Canada).

We're finally ready to move into the next stage of our lives, having children instead of babies. And it is already so much fun! I just don't know if I can handle going back to square one and putting this off for another 3 years. So why on earth would I even comtemplate having another baby? Well, that's the topic of the next post...

Thoughts on Number Three, Part II: the "pros"

2007-06-01T20:40:00.000-07:00

With all the reasons listed in the post above you may wonder why I'm giving any consideration at all to having another baby. I ask myself this question every day. And every day I'm plagued with these thoughts...

It started when a met a woman at our LLL meeting who is about my age, has two older children (ages 6 and 7) and who is expecting her "surprise". She is quite excited about it, as her other two are old enough to help out, not need her so much, and having been the mother of two young'uns she'll appreciate that having only one is like a freakin' vacation.

Then one morning I was lying in bed dreaming about our acreage. Imagining my two homeschooled children exploring together, wandering through the property playing...and suddenly it seemed to me that there simply weren't enough of them. That surely, since they won't be going to school and will be spending at least half their time on a property that will likely have few, if any, neighbours nearby (with young kids to boot), they need more playmates. In a fit of insanity I told my DH I wanted another child. He looked at me as if he didn't recognize me, then slowly understanding dawned across his face..."you're ovulating, aren't you?" he said. Damn if he wasn't right, lol.

And yet, the thought wouldn't leave. I began to come up with all the reasons why I shouldn't, but the thought wouldn't go away. My friend, who is a year older than I am, has just found out she's expecting #2. It's been a long, hard-fought fertility battle for her and she is as thrilled as can be, despite her "advanced age", lol. My very first thought was "if she can have one, so can I, and we could do it together!". And today I was coming out of a store with DD and I saw a man get out of a car followed by three kids. The youngest was about DD's age, followed by a boy of about 6 and a girl of about 8. There was no stroller, and all three happily followed their Dad, who was not concerned about them running into traffic, or taking off towards the parkade exit. As if the picture wasn't sweet enough, the boy hopped on his older sister's back for a piggy-back ride into the store. That sight put me over the top and my heart just melted. And the whole way home all I could think was "yes, it will suck. but only for a couple of years. and then you'll have THAT". My two kids are playing so well together; DS is starting to role-play and nothing has made DD happier than to have someone interact with her and her dinosaurs. The two of them are so very close and it warms my heart so much. How nice to give them another sibling with whom to be so close, and with whom to share future adventures.

And finally, seeing that family walking into the store drove home one very important point: the "tough part" about having a third will only last a short time. I only have to "suffer" for another couple of years, and then we have the rest of our lives to enjoy our three children. I admit I love the idea of adding to our gang. And I love the idea of a crowded family table, especially when the kids are older and have spouses and families of their own. And, there is of course the morbid thought that I lost my brother 10 years ago and have been an "only" ever since...There have been many moments lately when my children have brought me immense joy as individuals with whom I can converse. Taking the bus with them to the park the other day was so much fun - no strollers, just a light backpack. I imagine having three that are older and it seems like it, too, would be alot of fun. It's just getting to that point I'm worried about. Yet in the context of a lifetime with three kids, it seems a small price to pay. All that will be forgotten in a relatively short time.

I don't know that I'm ever going to make a conscious decision about this. Part of me is convinced that this is it, and all these thoughts are just that - the musings of a woman who is nearing the end of her fertility. As for DH, he still hasn't had his vasectomy, though he claims he's giving it alot more thought now that my libido has returned to full-form (and that is something he's not thrilled about giving up again, lol). He says "if it happens, it happens" and that's as committed an answer as I'll get from him. We're not being that careful, but then these days it's so obvious when I'm ovulating that it isn't as risky as it used to be, either. So part of me says "hey, just keep going the way you're going and if it happens it does, if it doesn't then it wasn't meant to be". I guess I'm afraid that I'm going to end up wanting one and then be disappointed if it doesn't happen. Another part of me wants to forget about all this and just enjoy what I have and move on. I don't know how much longer I'm going to have these thoughts, but I suspect this may be something I just need to process in order to move on after all.

A Night to Remember

2007-05-31T08:36:00.001-07:00

I have never been what some might call a "music fan". I enjoy listening to music, but I don't obsess about it. And truth be told, I never really enjoyed rock concerts as much as other people seemed to, at least not the big venue ones. I felt that the music never sounded as clear as the recorded versions, that the singers would often change the way they performed the songs so that they didn't sound just like the ones I'd come to know and love, and that, visually, there was not much to look at except some teeny figurines on a stage far away with lots of flashing lights. My favorite concerts were the ones in small venues, where you felt you were actually interacting with the players.

Last night DH and I attended the Police concert, the second night of their world tour, launched here in our fair city. As I wrote before, I paid a rather large sum of money to secure tickets in the second row. I had "buyers remorse" for some time after that, and entertained the idea of exchanging them with a scalper for some cash and seats a few rows back. However, as the time for the concert drew near and the hype started to build around town, I decided to keep what I had. I am SO glad I did.

We were so close to the stage, and since the folks in the front row stood forward at the barricade, it left lots of room between us and them, giving us the sense that we had an unobstructed view. It was amazing being so close to the band. The three of them were obviously having a very good time, Sting would smile and make jokey expressions at times, all things you could not catch further away. It gave it such an intimate feel, and it was surprising to look back and see three levels packed full of people. And despite my worries that we'd be too far over to the left, Sting himself was positioned to the left of centre stage (Andy was on the right) so we were situated just perfectly.

And the music was wonderful! They did change the way they performed some songs, though not significantly, and they did a medley of songs. But it was all good. There's something about being that close that makes it a completely different experience. Otherwise, you are just listening to music, but up close we could appreciate all the details that were going into it. They played beautifully and you couldn't help but just move your body and feel the wonderful rhythms flowing through you.

It was two solid hours of on-your-feet, cheering dancing. My body is stiff and sore today, but it was all worth it. I never did get a chance to see them back in the eighties, and I'm quite sure they won't tour again after this long, world-wide venture. So this was likely my only chance to see the Police in action. And yes, it was definitely worth every single penny. In fact, knowing how great an experience it turned out to be, I would have paid even more!

the Power of Resignation

2007-05-26T21:08:00.000-07:00

When DD was about 20 months old, DH and I would watch the Sopranos every Wednesday. I'd put her to bed around 7:45 or 8 pm and hope she wouldn't wake up to nurse during the show. She almost always did, and sometimes more than once. I remember one night feeling really sorry for myself that I had to keep missing out on the show; I felt like I would never have an evening to myself. I looked down at DD...she was curled into a "C", facing me, her little feet pressed into my lap, her hands resting on my chest while she nursed, half asleep...Suddenly I was hit with the realization that this adorable little girl would very soon be gone. Sure, she'd be replaced by an older, more mature, and just as amazing, older girl. But this little toddler lying here beside me would soon be just a memory.

Tears welled up in my eyes, and I tried to take a picture of that moment. I still remember it so clearly. From that night onwards I did not resent having to go to her. I accepted that this was the way my life was for now, but would not always be. I resigned myself to it, and in doing so was able to truly treasure that time. Whenever I have moments where it feels like I'll never be free to do X again, or when I'm sick of always having to do Y for the kids, I remember that night and I remind myself that accepting what is for now is truly the best way to get over feeling sorry for myself.

It's amazing how, once you resign yourself to something, the energy you save trying to "fix" it makes it all so much more bearable. That lesson has made itself known in another aspect of my life lately: the sharing of duties with my partner.

Like many mothers I have felt all along that I am the default caregiver. If DH is home, I am still the one who tends to the children unless I specifically ask him to do something. If we've been out all day together and come home with the usual piles of clothes, bags, and other stuff kids accumulate - the first thing he does when we get in is go change into some comfy clothes and then sit himself down for a rest. As much as I'd like to do that, there are kids that need to be undressed, bags unpacked, snack containers rinsed, shoes put away, and children's needs to be tended to before I can sit down and rest (even though all I want to do when I walk in the door is sit). If a diaper needs changing, or a dispute needs resolving, I am the one who seems expected to do it.

Now don't get me wrong, if I ask DH to do something he almost always complies willingly. He seems eager to help whenever I ask. It's just always bugged me that I have to ask. That it's just assumed I will take care of all this stuff, as if he doesn't even see what needs to be done (which makes me feel even more taken for granted, not to mention underappreciated).

What I find striking about this situation is how common it is. Among virtually all my mama friends this is a common complaint, even though their partners span the range of totally involved to couch potato. One mama wrote that her DH, after taking the kids all day so she could do some consulting work, had to go out to a movie to "unwind" that night. She wrote: "I'm thinking that would be cool if I got to have the evening off every time I took care of the kids while he's working ."

I told DH about this post, and we had an interesting chat about it. We talked about the different roles men and women have biologically and how that factors into the way we perceive the world (a theory which I wholeheartedly agree with). And the point he made was this: it's not like he thinks I should be the one to do everything even when he's home, it's just that he doesn't perceive situations the way I do because he doesn't have that mothering instinct. He used the example of how I would get a physically sick, nauseated feeling when DH would push her really high on the swing (even though she was clearly loving it and seemed to be perfectly safe), DH did not get these feelings yet it would be ridiculous to suggest he doesn't care about their safety the way I do. I'm programmed to respond that way, he isn't.

So perhaps when we get home from a long day out his mind is focused on other things. Perhaps he's looking at the house and thinking about the odd jobs he keeps meaning to do. Maybe he's thinking about some project at work and wondering how many emails he's received about it while we've been out. It's likely not that he's looking at what needs to be done with the kids and saying "oh, let her do it", since he's willing to help when I ask.

After thinking about this alot today, and in light of my experience with the kids this past week I came to the sudden realization that perhaps the best course of action here is the same as it was for DD: resignation. I don't mean that I'm going to turn into a doormat. I will ask for help when I need it. What I mean is that I'm going to stop harping on about it in my head, as if it is something that can really, truly, radically change. I don't think it will change. DH will never be me, he will never have household priorities ordered the exact way I do (and why should he, he's not me?) And the truth is, my life isn't going to be like this forever either. The kids will soon be old enough to hang their own coats, and I won't be hauling diaper bags full of crap around with me everywhere. They will soon be old enough to help with tasks like unloading the dishwasher, or throwing a load of washed clothes into the dryer.

And so I've decided to resign myself to the reality of my life right now. And in light of the past week that actually suggests I'm going to be much happier. I'll have ditched the resentment and instead can revel in cheering on my own accomplishments rather than expecting that DH should see everything I do in a day and tell me how much he appreciates it. I'm going to return to the mentality that I'm "going it alone", which will hopefully lead me to be more thankful for all the things DH does do around here to help out.

Going it Alone

2007-05-26T20:43:00.001-07:00

This past week DH was away on business. Due to sickness and pre-arranged plans I sort of had Monday and Tuesday off from the kids. That left Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday until DH got home around 7:30 pm. That's a long time to be looking after two young kids without any help or break. And yet, it went great. It was actually wonderful.

I remember the first time DH went away I was so worried I'd lose it with the kids. But it all went pretty smoothly. Evenings were challenging - that was back in the days when my
kids would stay up until midnight, but overall it went much better than expected. This last week was no exception, and made even more wonderful by the fact that I managed to get both kids to sleep before 10 pm, one at a time, without any frantic, insane behaviour ensuing in the process (more on that success in a later post).

By Friday I was marvelling at the experience. I was genuinely enjoying my children. Not just in brief moments, but all day long. And they seemed to respond, too. There were no fights! Nobody got scratched or kicked or carried away while playing at wrestling (which they did almost every evening, only this time without things deteriorating in the end). I had no fights with DD either. No yelling. I was proud of my parenting. When the odd emotional eruption occurred I was calm and present for them. It felt great.

And yet I couldn't figure out what had changed! Was it because I had had a big break from the kids early in the week? Was it because the kids were just maturing and getting easier to handle? Was it because I was able to keep my home relatively clean and tidy? What was the secret of this success?

Well, I couldn't help but wonder if DH's absence had something to do with it. NOT to suggest he is in any way a hindrance or a problem or anything like that. And in fact I've noticed that many of my mama friends have found that they actually have an easier time of things when their DH's are away, and their guys are not slouches either. I chatted to one of them about it on Friday: what is it? I asked. She said that, besides the fact that one less adult means a significantly less amount of housework, it's mostly because she resigns herself to the fact that it's all up to her. There is no expectation that someone is going to come home at 6 pm and take over. And that somehow, in accepting that, it makes it easier to handle.

Well, DH came home that night, and not an hour later a noticeable shift had occurred. Things were going back to what they were like before. The kids started scrapping, I got testy when I tried to make some dinner for myself and kept getting interrupted. DS pooped on the balcony. The place was suddenly a mess. Surely this was not all DH's fault!

And thinking about it that night, I realized that what had changed was my approach. Had DH not been home I would have made sure the kids were engaged so they wouldn't end up turning on each other at this difficult time of day when everyone is getting tired and hungry. If that meant playing with them while the water boiled that's what I would have done. And I wouldn't have attempted to make myself a meal until they were fed and settled down with a movie or something. I would have been preventative, preemptive, in damage control mode. Instead, with DH home I just expected that I should be able to start on my dinner because he'd eaten and I hadn't and it was late and surely I deserved to eat and can't he watch them while I do this? And why isn't he helping them resolve this dispute that is rapidly spinning out of control? And doesn't he see that DS needs a diaper change and can't he go get a clean cloth diaper out of the dryer himself? And of course I didn't ask any of this, I just expected he should see and take charge so that made me resentful and testy.

Well, I really enjoyed the past three days and I don't want that experience to fade into a distant memory. I want to feel that way all the time! So I've decided to start pretending that I am still alone, that I'm still 100% responsible for the kids. I'm not going to expect that when DH comes home things are gonna be different and I can start letting things go. I'm curious to see how this goes...

Summer is Here

2007-05-24T19:01:00.000-07:00

Okay, it's not officially summer for another month but today's weather screamed Summer! It was not just warm but hot (25+ degrees), the sky was clear blue, it was great.

The kids and I headed out to my friend's place in a suburb way out from town. "Auntie J" lives in a little cottage of a house with a huge yard that she has spent the last three years landscaping, turning into a beautiful outdoor paradise. She also has a new man in her life, who has just moved in with her. He's a chef and therefore very familiar with growing edibles. The two of them were so cute, talking about what to plant in this box, where to put the beans, etc. I can't wait to have my own little piece of land to garden.

And the kids - man, what fun they had! We were out in the yard all afternoon. DS played with a kiddie pool full of water and a pile of rocks. DD caught and brought to us every kind of bug you can imagine: worms, sow bugs, beetles, millipedes, centipedes, and a ladybug. Every five minutes you'd hear this shriek of excitement, followed by "mama! I found a !". I love that my girl is like this, not afraid to have little things crawling over her, fascinated by all the life in the garden. We rubbed our hands on lavender and mint leaves. We watered the tomato plants, admired Auntie J's huge Gunnera plant (think alien landscape from a Star Trek episode), and the wild mushrooms growing from a pile of mulch.

It was everything I want for us - the kids wandering, getting sun and fresh air, exploring nature right in the backyard. I got to sit back and enjoy, relax (all fenced in!), feel the sun (and chat with my girlfriend). If I'd had a garden I'd have been in there for sure.

It's really, really hard to wait. Part of me wants to just pick the best place of the lot right now and buy it so we can start living this lifestyle *this* summer. But, none of the places are really what we want, and this isn't something to take lightly. I suppose I may have to distract myself by doing lots of camping - we're going to attempt it next weekend when we head out of town to check out some properties. Bring on the Summer!

Green Time

2007-05-23T23:40:00.001-07:00

I saw this template on another blog and felt it was so cheerful, and so appropriate given how green and lush everything is this time of year. Enjoy! (or not, as the case may be)

Catching Up

2007-05-23T20:06:00.000-07:00

Business: Every free computer moment for the last two weeks has been devoted to a project I'm working on for a client. I finished it today, and will be sending it off as soon as the check arrives. I'm happy to say that business is going really well. For this project I netted a cool $4.5k from about 40 hours of work. In the meantime, I've got three new clients that are referral cases (i.e. they need an expert, I find one, I take a cut of the final bill). While those types don't bring in the big bucks, they are very easy to manage and require little of my time. Finally, with this latest big project I reached a milestone: I have surpassed my startup costs and am "in the black" now with my business.

Family: the events of the past few days have made me more thankful than ever for the support of family with raising my kids. On Saturday evening I fell ill with a horrible stomach bug that left me "praying at the porcelain alter" every hour for six hours throughout the night. By morning not only was I exhausted, but I felt pain in muscles I didn't even know I had. It was like the ab workout from hell. For 36 hours I didn't ingest a thing except a half a cup of milk and some water. And all this began the day before DH left for California on business. Not only did he take good care of me all day Sunday, took the kids out for a few hours so I could rest, but he arranged for my mother to come over the next morning. Mum fed the kids and looked after them while I cranked out the last major section of the report for my client, and then my father-in-law came by to take the kids to the playground. Mum came back with groceries and cooked us all dinner. It's times like this when feel so grateful for my wonderful family. I'm feeling fine now, and the up side of it all is I lost 5 lbs!

Health: I wrote a while back that I started power walking in the mornings. Unfortunately that fell by the wayside after only two weeks - I was regularly up late at night working on my project and just couldn't drag my butt out of bed early enough. With DH away this week I decided to throw in the towel and start afresh next week when he's back. This time of year is fantastic for morning exercise and I don't think I'll have much trouble motivating myself. I've put on some pounds (see below), and while the stomach flu gave me a good kickstart, I'm determined not to go back up there.

Lactation: On a related front, DS is almost entirely weaned. I'd written before about wanting to daywean him, but wasn't sure how it would go. Once again I underestimated my children's ability to do without the boob: DS took to the "distraction technique" like a duck to water. It went something like this:

DS: "Tee Tee, Mama!"
Me: "I don't have Tee Tee, would you like some apple juice? milk? fruit snack?"
DS: "Yeah, fruit snack!"
Me: "Well, okay then!"

Yes, folks, it was that simple. He has not nursed during the day for over a month now. He nurses at bedtime, and sometimes in the early morning, but I'm happy to announce that he is sleeping right through the night most nights, and if I didn't have such a shitty mattress I'd be dancing through my days (I always thought my back and shoulder pains were from nursing, but no, it's our cheap mattress; I'm saving up for a new one now).

Two things have happened as a result of him being "almost weaned". First, my libido has finally revealed itself fully after almost 5 years of "so-so". Yes, I'm actually having sex like normal married people now, with the caveat that opportunity is the limiting factor most of the time, not interest as used to be the case. Which isn't to say that I had no libido at all, it just wasn't up to standard. Things are getting fun again with DH, and that's having good effects on our relationship, too. The other thing that happened was that I gained 8 pounds. Thanks to the bug I've lost 5, though I suspect a couple might creep back on in the next few days as my appetite still hasn't been completely up to par. It's a true testament to the power of breastfeeding to burn off those calories, but it appears the long honeymoon is over now. My chocolate-bar-a-day habit must come to an end. It's been fun, Ben. I'll miss ya, Jerry. But you and Cherry Garcia need to find another babe to hang with.

Seeing her through the eyes of someone new

2007-05-12T21:11:00.000-07:00

Last week my new mother's helper, K, worked her first day with us - she came recommended by some trusted mama friends and I decided I really did need to get some regular help again, since Mum's arthritis is limiting her ability to care for the kids right now. K is a lovely young girl who was recently nanny to a family of 3 kids, one of whom had autism, so she can handle what my kids throw at her. She'll be working for me one day a week and doing some evening sitting when needed.

DD took to her right away (despite insisting all week that she didn't want a new sitter) and I listened from my computer desk as DD and K got to know each other. It was a very interesting experience. I'm so used to all of DD's personality traits that sometimes I forget how unique and wonderful she is. She was drawing when K arrived, and described the deep ocean scene with Gulper Eels and Anglerfish and how she thinks she might like to be a marine biologist when she grows up so she can go down in a submarine and study deep sea creatures. Then she asked K to draw a solar system and she told K what the planets looked like (which of them had rings, what colour they were). And then they moved on to books, and K ended up asking DD how to pronounce the names of certain dinosaurs...I couldn't stop listening to them.

My feelings of pride and love were not about the facts she knows, or how complex the subject matter is, it's about the obvious pleasure she takes in learning, and in talking about these things. You could hear the passion and excitement in her voice. She and K talked about many things, and DD seemed so happy to have someone who was really listening and interested in talking about this stuff (alot of kids her age just aren't). DD was polite and even charming, something I'm sad to say I'd lost sight of completely in recent weeks.

Seeing her through fresh eyes was a much-needed reminder of all that is good and wonderful about my daughter. She really is a unique, interesting, and delightful little girl and it's all too easy for me to forget that, to become blind to it and see only the parts I can't handle very well. It's sad to think how much I'd been focusing on the "bad" things, and not seeing the good anymore. But now the image in my head has been refreshed, and I'm going to try and keep that picture going, especially when I encounter aspects of her personality that are more challenging to deal with.

Nice Car? - Check!

2007-05-09T08:50:00.000-07:00

We finally did it. We bought a new car. It's not the one we originally thought we were going to get, however. After realizing how much we want this acreage dream to become a reality, we decided to cut back on the budget for the new vehicle. By total fluke we stumbled across the all-new Hyundai Veracruz...it's Hyundai's first luxury vehicle and the reviews are all wonderful. It has excellent safety ratings, the total airbag experience, and all the bells and whistles you could want in a car for $13,000 less then the Acura MDX. Add the extra taxes and financing costs and we saved over $18,000 by buying the Hyundai. Those of us old enough to remember the Pony may balk at the name (I did at first) but after doing some research I discovered that Hyundai has built a solid and respectable reputation for itself. The car feels solidly built and is super quiet with a smooth ride; I'm still totally in awe and in love with this car.

Though I was not sad to see my old Mazda Protege go, it was a tender farewell. That car represented a very poignant time in my life. I bought it when I left my home town for the first time and moved to the big US of A to start my first job after years of University. I'd just left a very bad breakup situation, and was eager to move on with my life. Buying that car was an emotional experience for me - I well recall driving it with Collective Soul cranked in the stereo, feeling truly Free, like the future was limitless with possibilities. That car saw me through a marriage, two kids, several cross-continental moves, and more. But with all that said, now that I have a "real" family vehicle, I'm amazed we carted around four people in that old thing for as long as we did!

I was thinking the other day that I'm almost "there". Throughout my twenties I held a vision in my mind of where I wanted to be when I turned 40. I wanted to be married with two kids (a girl and a boy), working in a satsifying and successful career, own a nice home and drive a nice car. Well, I got the fab DH and two kids, and the career wasn't what I'd envisioned but has turned out to be better than I could ever have imagined (stay home with my kids but run my own consulting business). Now, I can check "nice car" off the list as well. This is a beauty and it represents the highest level of comfort and performance I will ever wish for. Now all I have to do is get the real estate (working on it!) and I'll be complete. I'll have acheived all my goals (and I turn 40 in January).

Oh, and those of you who remember this post may wonder what terms we chose. We decided to finance rather than lease, for two reasons: first, it looks as though DH's job is going to be pretty stable (I'm not worried we'll be leaving the country any time soon) and second, we just couldn't convince ourselves that owning something wasn't better than (essentially) renting it - call it an emotional factor, lol. But what also helped was that Hyundai offers a low 3.9% financing if you do a 36 month term, and with DH's bonuses we should be able to pay this car off in about a year. See, with the acquisition of DH's company finally complete, the $$ has started coming in...and it's all going directly to credit card debt. Easy Come, Easy Go. I mean, it's great that we are paying them off, but imagine if we'd had no debts, all those checks would have been cash in the bank! It puts the reality of debt even more "in your face". It's time to stop the insanity!

I love my kids best when we're outside

2007-05-03T17:05:00.000-07:00

It's true. One thing about apartment living is that staying indoors is the Kiss of Death to harmonious living with young children. When my kids were much younger I figured anybody could do apartment living. But I didn't realize that as they get older, their daily exercise requirements increase exponentially. It's like having a Border Collie all over again - but back then I ran regularly and had time to take my dog to the local park to chase balls until she dropped from exhaustion. Seems my children are at the point where they require a not-insignificant amount of exercise, otherwise they go insane and drag me screaming and yelling along with them.

Oh how I long for this acreage to become a reality! Listings are moving very slowly...

Yesterday, during a break in the rain, we went for a little walk to the park across the street. DS found a full birdbath and with sticks and stones he played there for at least 20 minutes, and probably would have longer if we'd stayed.

I enjoy Tuesdays, when we have no activities scheduled. I usually putter around the house catching up on housework, laundry, and cooking. I actually enjoy baking. I actually got DD to eat a (gasp!) green vegetable by feeding her these zucchini muffins (I'm still trying to figure out how to cut the sugar in half without affecting the texture; I use 1 cup of brown sugar and skip the white sugar, but the muffins aren't as fluffy - any advice is appreciated!). And I'm dying to try out Cheryl's Apple Muffin recipe. But baking is very hard to do with two little ones underfoot. Generally they end up driving me batty, or sitting in front of a DVD while I bake. And so it is that, on most days, I feel obligated to plan an outing just so we don't all go bonkers and I don't turn into the Mum-From-Hell.

And so I imagine that when we're out on the acreage I will be able to have these stay home days that I so enjoy, and the kids will have acres of yard to explore, puddles to jump in, sticks and stones to gather, critters to stalk and capture (we now have a pet garden snail), and just lots of room to run around in. And, when they are driving me batty, I can say "go outside and play!"...because there IS an outside!

Ultimately I'm after the simplified lifestyle. I don't mean "poor and frugal", that's not quite my idea of fun, lol. But I mean Unrushed. That's one of the hugest benefits of homeschooling, is the freedom to make your own Life, your own schedule. I am a social person and I get alot of that met by hanging with my fellow homelearning mamas. And of course the kids have their interests. But we don't have to persue those interests for 8 hours a day, five days a week. We'll spend our 3 or 4 days in the city, I'll gab with my girlfriends and the kids will do their dropin stuff. We'll eat sushi and visit the Aquarium and I'll wear nice shoes. Then we'll head out of town for a 3-4 day weekend and I'll stay at home, puttering about in the garden, baking, making meals, and hopefully, sometimes, sitting out on a sunny deck knitting, watching the kids play. Or if it's raining I'll be sitting indoors, knitting, watching them get soaked, lol.

Dressage Anyone?

2007-04-28T20:04:00.000-07:00

Before I had kids I rode horses and trained in a sport called Dressage. Like many sports it has its ugly side (horses treated badly, abused) and its beautiful side (done properly, the harmony between horse and rider is a thing of beauty). Whether you love dressage or have no idea what it is, I think you'll enjoy this video. It is simply the best performance I have ever seen...

World Equestrian Games Musical Freestyle

Exercise!!

2007-04-28T08:57:00.000-07:00

Before I had kids I was a runner. I wasn't great at it by any means, but it was a way to keep fit. If I could run a minimum of three times a week I could maintain a fitness level that made running pleasurable. But if I missed too many runs it became unpleasant and a lot of effort until I rebuilt my stamina. When I did my post-doc I was too busy to run frequently enough, so I switched to power walking. I loved it. I would go for a very brisk walk (no crazy arm-swinging, though!) around different neighbourhoods, enjoying the scenery, not getting winded, and feeling just as good whether I'd walked four times the last week or hadn't walked for a while.

All that stopped when I had my first child and I haven't done any regular exercise since. Not that looking after children is lazy work. And I have to credit breastfeeding for helping me maintain a good body weight. After I lost the pregnancy pounds from my first child I weighed 10 lbs less than I had when I got pregnant. I maintained that right up to my second pregnancy, and got back down to it in the same time I did before (about 9 months post-partum). I've kept my weight pretty steady despite indulging my sweet tooth on a pretty regular and unrestrained basis. But lately I've noticed the scales creeping up and I suspect the honeymoon is coming to an end. I'm dayweaning DS, which may have something to do with it, but even if my weight weren't rising I should still start exercising again. I'm not getting any younger and I want to make sure I stay healthy for my kids.

Several things have come together to make me decide it's time to start regular exercise again. First and foremost the kids are sleeping well. DD spends most nights in her own bed right through until morning, and DS has been sleeping much better as well. There are actually mornings now where I'm waking up feeling like I got a decent sleep, rather than being in a fog and wanting to grab every last minute in bed I can get. It's spring and the sun is up early. And it's warm. DH's schedule at work is more relaxed. So I have made the decision to get up early with DH a couple times during the workweek and head off for a power walk while he's getting ready for work; and also fit one in on a weekend morning. Today was the perfect day to start: I had a pretty good sleep and DS woke me up at 7 am. The day was sunny and bright after a week of heavy rains, so I suited up in my exercise togs (I had to dust off my running shoes!) and headed out.

It was fantastic!

It's amazing how much ground you can cover when you don't have two little ones in tow. I made it to the park in 6 minutes - I went down a trail, along the lagoon, over to the harbour...and I still had time to stop and pick up fresh bagels on the way home. I could feel the work in my leg muscles and the backs of my thighs - not pain but definitely working them hard. Knowing I was doing my body good, combined with the gorgeous scenery and the freshness of an early weekend morning (only the dog walkers and old people were out), put me in the best mood. I came home practically bouncing. I'd forgotten how much exericse improves mood.

I am not usually a morning person and I know there will be days when it will be hard to drag my butt out of bed and go outside. But I think the joy of being able to walk freely (read: alone!) will be a big motivating factor. Now that I remember how good it feels to do this, hopefully it won't be hard to convince myself to do it again soon. I'm looking forward to seeing the weight drop off - I've gained about 5 lbs in the last month or so and I'd be very happy if I could lose that plus another 2 lbs.

Breaking the Nap habit

2007-04-26T14:03:00.000-07:00

I'd actually never thought of naps as a "habit". I assumed that when the child is ready they just stop napping. DD dropped her last naps when she turned two, right before DS was born. It took about a month of crazy schedules where not napping would mean a cranky, miserable toddler but napping would mean she was up until midnight. We didn't do anything except hang in there until it passed.

I've written many times about the issues with DS napping. He readily falls asleep in a car or stroller and so avoiding naps was difficult. But since last summer his bedtimes have been getting later and later whenever he naps. We kept thinking we just needed to hang in there and eventually he'd drop them, but it's been a long time. Well now there's a new aspect to the situation: before when he'd skip a nap he was asleep before 8 pm. Often we'd struggle to keep him awake past 6 or 6:30. But now it's not so much of a struggle, and it seems if he goes to sleep before 8:30 he has a poor night of sleep: he'll wake up in the middle of the night wanting to play, as if he'd just had a long nap, and when he does sleep he's restless and wakes often.

For the last three days he has not napped, and in playing around with bedtimes he had the best sleep last night when he went to sleep at 8:45 pm. He's waking pretty consistently at 8 am, too. And we're finding it easier to "keep him awake" in the evenings.

All of this is to say that it appears he really is ready to stop napping. And now I hear that I can encourage him to drop it, like, now. Two of my friends told me that when their older children were at this stage they put a stop to napping by taking a week where they made sure they didn't get in a situation where the child would nap (for us, a car or stroller ride), and after that week the child had settled into a new pattern and no longer napped. I had no idea you could do this, but with the latest developments and the fact that we are on day 4 of no naps, makes me feel game to try it. The challenge comes tomorrow when DD has gym class in the afternoon. DS always naps on the way and I get to sit and knit peacefully while he sleeps and DD does her class (we already skipped last week so I don't want to skip another). It will be hard to give that up, especially since it's cold and wet this week and taking him for a walk doesn't appeal. But...I will sacrifice for the greater good!

Here's hoping this works!

We are what we eat

2007-04-22T08:53:00.000-07:00

I'm just about done reading a fascinating book called The Omnivore's Dilemma. The author traces origins of four meals: McDonald's drive-thru, industrial organic (think Whole Foods Market), locally grown and supplied (featuring the fascinating Polyface Farm in Virginia), and one he hunted and gathered himself (having never wielded a gun prior to bagging the meat for this meal). He does not attempt to project any particular philosophy upon the reader - he had no qualms about savouring the Big Mac while driving his convertible down a sunny, California freeway. Rather, we follow along as he confronts the questions many of us don't ask, or are afraid to answer, and works through the moral, ethical, philosophical and practical issues that one is deluged with as soon as one ventures down the path of inquiry.

We live in a culture that has no true gastronomic traditions, and he suspects this is why we are so schizophrenic about our diet in North America, where the culprit for our health woes switches from red meat, to fat, to carbs from one bestselling diet book to the next. We are also probably more removed from the sources of our food than any people in history. I was stunned to discover that corn and its by-products are so ubiquitous in our food industry (finding a product on a grocery store shelf that does not contain corn is the proverbial needle in a haystack venture) that carbon-isotope analysis of our flesh shows that the majority of our carbon molecules come from a plant that most of us would claim to eat only in summer when the sweet cobs are taken off the BBQ and smothered in butter.

Now, I'm a content meat-eater, deriving my own philosophies and borderline spirituality from the biological foundation of human behaviour and the evolutionary context in which we developed. Thus, I have no trouble embracing my omnivorous identity. I do, however, have a problem with the way we treat food animals and the sad, inhumane existence that is their lot in life. Yet even if you have no sympathy for animals raised in conditions that are eminently removed from those they evolved to be in, there are many other factors to consider that make it difficult not to feel repulsed by modern food production be it pollution, consumption of fossil fuels, health (ours as well as the animals'), or food quality.

I stopped buying conventional meats a few years ago after watching a documentary on pig farming - I love pork, but the horrors of squeezing a million pigs into a giant barn and the pollution nightmare that results from acres of manure ponds was too much for me. I wanted to buy organic, but the prices were a bit much for me to swallow. And, as I discovered in this book, the lives of these animals are not much better than those of conventional animals - they are still kept in cramped feedlots, standing in their own feces, and being fed a wholly unnatural diet of corn, proteins, and other things a ruminant is not designed to eat; the only difference being that they came from organic sources.

Fortunately we found salvation in the form of two sisters that my mother befriended who are in their seventies and still run the family farm. Each year they hand raise a couple of beef cattle - my mother has visited the farm many times and bears witness to the peaceful, gentle pastured life these cows enjoy - and we are lucky enough to lay claim to a quarter cow each fall. It is wonderful meat and I know where it came from and what the animals are eating. Until that time we vastly cut down on the frequency of meat-containing meals, using beans, lentils and tofu as substitutes (my cultural heritage includes a heavy dose of Asian cuisine, so tofu was not a culinary leap for me). When I hear people argue that humanely raised meat is elitist I get annoyed - few people in history had the luxury of eating meat every day and there is no reason why meat can't go back to a festive-dinner-only type foodstuff, rather than a daily staple. One conclusion I made after reading was that I'd rather meat become expensive and ethical; I'd gladly reduce "beef night" to once a week.

Anyways, one of the most fascinating chapters was the tour of Joel Salatin's Polyface Farms. While I enjoyed reading about the wonderful lives Joel's animals live out while waiting to become a protein dish, what I enjoyed even more was the education I received regarding the Ecology of Farming. The relationship between ruminants and the grasslands they evolved to eat was fascinating stuff. Joel has managed to capitalize on what Nature already perfected through millions of years of trial and error, producing a substantial crop of chicken, eggs, pork, and beef from 500 acres of once-barren land (keep in mind that industrial farms are measured in the tens of thousands of acres) AND all the while maintaining a virtually closed ecosystem on his farm. The web of symbiosis there involves cattle grazing on grass, chickens feeding on grubs in the cow droppings, chicken droppings returning nitrogen to the soil, and pigs turning piles of cow manure into priceless compost. It is beautiful in its complexity.

What I liked most about this book is how it took questions and issues that lay at the back of my mind and forced them to the forefront. I know, for example, that our bodies are made up of the foods we eat. As a breastfeeding mother I often marvelled at the chunky, 3 month old baby I held in my arms considering that every molecule of his/her sweet-smelling flesh came from MY body. Similarly, the steak we eat is made up of the foods the animals eat and it doesn't take a rocket scientist to conclude that meat from animals fed a diet of corn, animal by-products, petroleum byproducts, and heavy doses of medications will have a different molecular composition than meat from animals fed on the diet that Nature designed them to eat (in the case of cows, grassland). Just as baby formula purports to be a "complete" feed for human infants, the fertilizers used to grow the monocultures of genetically-identical crops on industrial farms contain only what we know to be required by the organism. The bare, acceptable minimum. The countless other ingredients (be it in breastmilk, or properly composted topsoil) that we know nothing about, we dismiss as "unnecessary". We are what we eat, and that includes what our meat and produce eats.

I urge you all to read this book - not because I want to convince you of any particular style of eating, not because I think it will change your life, but because it is a fascinating read and causes us to take pause and truly consider our relationship with the food we eat. I have been thankful for every chapter that has caused me to confront the questions always lurking in the back of my mind. Has it changed the way I eat? Not entirely. But I do feel that I am now a more informed consumer, and can make choices based on more than just the organic food labels that feature green fields of happy pasture-grazing cattle, and the marketing ploys that make shopping at Whole Foods seem like such an ethically satisfying experience. I'm still pondering everything I've learned, but I'm certain that I will ultimately be a better consumer for it.

Some random updates

2007-04-20T20:20:00.000-07:00

Speech: DS is in regular therapy now one day a week. As has become his pattern, he made the most progress while waiting to get in, lol. What he is now doing can definitely be called "talking". He puts two words together regularly, such as "mama sit" and "open door" etc. His pronunciation isn't great, and the speech therapist said she wants to work with him on his vowels. I actually thought it was the fact he often dropped his consonants that was the problem. But truth be told, I believe it's simply a matter of practice. It does, after all, appear to be a motor skills issue. And we notice that words he says often (like "hot dog") come out much clearer than new words, or ones he uses infrequently. I'm not convinced that the speech therapy sessions have much to do with his progress, but he so enjoys them and it's rare one-on-one time for him so we'll keep going. The therapist is nice and doesn't seem to mind when I explain that, as a homeschooling parent, I really could care less if DS takes a bit longer to learn to read.

Dealing with the Four Yr. Old: my big revelation about DD's behaviour seems to have left its impact, because I'm doing much better at keeping myself out of her interactions with other children (unless there is bullying or physical violence involved, of course). We were tested yesterday when a tired, grumpy DD was fighting with everybody. I managed to pretty much stand by and watch most of it without freaking out or getting myself between her and the other child, and for the most part it went okay. It wasn't perfect by any means, but it was so much better than the last time that I really had to pat myself on the back.

Yearning for Land: after we spent the day touring the area we returned to the same town for a birthday party at our friends' place. We had a good long chat with them about what's involved in clearing land. Turns out they'd just had about a quarter acre cleared on their 5 acre property so it was fresh in their minds. And they've been in the area for over a decade and know all the people needed to do the work: the excavator guy, the well guy, the septic guy, the dude who lays foundations, etc. Knowing who to go to, having friends with connections, and getting a good idea of costs was really inspiring. I think DH and I are now back to our plans of getting some uncleared land. The 20 acre parcel we wanted has met the deadline for the current offer on it and we're waiting to hear back from the realtor as to whether the deal fell through or not. We're hoping on a long shot that the owner might consider selling us half if we can throw in a bit extra and cover the costs of subdividing, but I'm guessing they'll say no. Even though we could technically afford the whole 20 acres, it would stretch our budget and we're not comfortable with that. I have to be patient and trust that our ten acres will come up in another opportunity. The truth is that, even if we bought a place now, we likely would have to wait until next spring to start doing anything - once summer hits the growth will be too great and it will cost far more. Waiting to let winter kill off the undergrowth and then getting in there with the excavator before new stuff starts to grow seems to be the prudent plan. So we can afford to be patient. I'm just no good at waiting!

Lumpy Boy: this past winter saw colds running through our family on a regular basis. As usual the adults got the worst of it and the kids often got by with just a slight fever for a day or so. Must be the booby juice! Anyways, DS did have one nasty bout of the rhinovirus and developed a lump in his neck that, according to everything Google could tell me, was a swollen lymph node. They said it could take up to 6 weeks to subside after a cold. Well, it's been at least that long since DS was sick and it's still there, same size. And I think I found a couple other, smaller ones last night. I've made an appointment to go see our wonderful family physician. I'm pretty sure it's just normal, childhood glands at work but of course everything goes through a mama's head when it's their baby's health in question. Of all the warning signs, the only red flag is that it's been over a month and no change. Otherwise he shows no other "symptoms of concern", is as full of energy and lively and happy as any chubby toddler should be. Still, I couldn't help but feel a kindred spirit to Spacemom, who is going through something with her ovaries that bring the same sorts of fears to mind.

Refining the Dream

2007-04-14T22:10:00.000-07:00

We spent today with our realtor in the small town outside the city where we're looking for our acreage. Unfortunately, my mother has put her back out and was unable to sit for us (and couldn't find a mother's helper) so we had to drag the kids along with us. It's about 1.5 hours to the town, then driving around to properties...I'm actually amazed they fared as well as they did, although copious amounts of cookies and drive-through food were required. But after 10 hours driving around squashed between two kids in the back seat I am completely spent!

Anyways, it was an interesting day. A while back I wrote about a small property I'd fallen in love with. We drove out to see it not long after I wrote that and realized that 0.5 acres was way too small, not to mention the property was in a flood plain that fulfilled its name on an all-too-regular basis.

More recently I fell in love with a 5 acre property higher up that had two little log cabins on it and was planted with Xmas trees. On the same road was a 10 acre parcel for almost half the price, but it was virgin land with nothing on it but trees. Heading up there today I was certain it all boiled down to one of these two places. But once again I discovered that there's no substitute for being there. The place looked nothing like I'd imagined; it needs a whole lot of work, too much for what they're asking for it. The other, undeveloped parcel may have already sold, but we got a chance to view many lots in various stages of being cleared as we drove around and I found it very daunting to see how much work was involved.

We also viewed a 2.5 acre lot with a lovely little house, barn, pastures and horses. But it was surrounded by neighbours on both sides, making it all seem smaller than it was, and leaving one with the feeling of being crowded.

I was getting rather depressed towards the end of our trip, thinking that I no longer knew what I wanted. Then we viewed a 10 acre lot that was totally cleared and fenced and being used as a cow pasture. It was a lovely piece of land, surrounded by gorgeous mountains in the distance, and light forest around the land itself. As the sun was getting low it was warm on our backs and so lovely and peaceful there. I felt better then, because I could see that our dream wasn't unrealistic and that, somewhere, there is a property for us.

So while there were no major decisions made today, I'm feeling like we're slowly honing in on exactly what we want. We want a minimum of 5 acres, no nearby and visible neighbours. We want cleared pasture land ready for fencing and buildings. We're expanding our search further out from town as well. I suppose 1.5 hours versus 2.5 hours is not much different if you are making the trip only once a week - my Dad and his wife go to their house on the lake over on the Island almost every weekend, and it's at least a 3 hour journey when you factor in the ferry ride (although at least on a ferry you can rest and aren't driving the whole time). DH and I will probably go out to some "farther away places" with the kids next weekend and see how doable it would be.

First Crunchy, Now Country

2007-04-10T16:45:00.000-07:00

People who knew me back before I had children would have died laughing at the idea of me ascribing to any sort of "crunchy granola" lifestyle. I recall when, years ago, my dear friend J told me she'd bought a menstrual cup. I thought it was the nuttiest thing I'd ever heard of, and chalked it up to associating with too many hippies in her art-school town. Years later I stumbled upon the MotheringDotCommune in search of information on breastfeeding and cosleeping; next thing you know I was cloth diapering my babes, had a stack of cloth menstrual pads and a cup for myself, and was subscribing to a parenting newsletter called The Daily Groove. I'm probably best described as "urban crunchy"; I don't dress in tie-dye and flowing skirts with birkenstocks, nor do I fragrance my home with incense. But I do sleep with my kids, nurse my 2.5 year old pretty much on demand, and buy organic groceries.

'Twas a strange enough transformation from the logical, punk-ish scientist type I was before. But still I was a definite City Girl. Now, with our plans to buy a place in the country, I have begun immersing myself in the Country Living lifestyle (online, at least). First I found a lovely blog that I've become addicted to. Then I found a Homesteading discussion forum where I can get tons of great information and advice. Now, homesteading, as I understand it, means trying to become totally self-sufficient: living off the land, even "off the grid". I confess it all seems a bit extreme to me. Yes, I want land and goats and chickens, but how can I live without high speed internet access and hot-and-cold running water? I'll save the composting toilet for camping trips. I'm not interested in living like a pioneer - I like my mod-cons thank you very much. But still I have a great deal of respect for homesteaders, and the community has already been very welcoming. There isn't much these folks don't know about living on an acreage.

I think I will always need to retreat to the city for short bursts between working the land and tending to the horsies. DH and I figure we'll eventually buy a condo downtown, since neither of us can see ourselves foregoing fine dining and the cultural diversity of our neighbourhood for good. I want my kids to grow up seeing gay couples holding hands as they walk down the street, chatting with the senior citizens, hearing 10 different languages on the playground, and witnessing homelessness firsthand (thanks, AnnaB, for the suggestion of growing food to feed the hungry). That, combined with the joy of acres to run and play on, animals to tend to, and growing food in the earth, makes for a wonderful life, IMHO.

From conflict comes growth

2007-04-09T10:05:00.000-07:00

I keep a small library of my favorite parenting books. DH once asked why I would spend money on books I have already read, and whose teachings I already subscribe to. The answer: I use them for inspiration. When I feel I've gone off track, or lost my way, or if things are difficult and I want to remind myself why I do them the way I do, then I pick up one of my books and read.

And so it was that after our challenging day at the playground last week, I felt I really needed some inspiration. While I felt I'd done a better job of controlling my response to DD than I have in the past, I still felt like I did too much talking, which led to lecturing, which soon took on a scolding tone. So I chose a book that I knew focussed on how to speak to your child during times of conflict. I chose Harville Hendrix's Giving the Love That Heals: a guide for parents.

This book is based on Imago Relationship Theory. Here is a very simple breakdown of the theory as it applies to couples. Since a foundation of Imago Theory is that wounds in childhood return to the surface in adult relationships, it seems logical to then ask what we can do as parents to minimize those sorts of wounds when raising our own children. One of the ways is to use Intentional Dialogue, which is a system of communicating and discussing issues between parent and child. It's a modification of Couples Dialogue, and is also very similar to Non-Violent Communication.

So I opened this book expecing to refine my communication style, when I stumbled upon another concept in Imago Parenting that I'd not considered: when we find ourselves having a strong reaction to an otherwise normal, age appropriate behaviour from our children, this is generally indicative that we are dealing with one of our own issues. One that we have carried through with us from our own early, brain-shaping experiences.

At first, as I was reading through the relevant material on this subject, I thought "I never had such issues with other kids. I was always socially accepted, got along well with others, never ruffled any feathers....". But then it suddenly hit me. What I was reacting to was not really DD's behaviour, I was reacting to how I perceived the other children to be feeling! When I focussed and replayed the events in my mind, I could feel how my emotions centered around what I felt the effects of DD's words and actions were on the other kids. I was ashamed and embarrassed for DD that she had hurt these other kids that way. And if you have been reading my blog lately you may recall a post I wrote a while back about my issues with not wanting to hurt others, and avoiding social conflicts in any way possible.

Suddenly it all clicked and things fell into place. It was a classic Imago Parenting moment. First, when I was recalling the details of the playground fiasco to my DH the next day, I was struck by how trivial it all seemed. Even I had to laugh when I described DD telling some child he was a "poopyhead" and then insisting to another group of kids that she "knew everything". As I spoke, I couldn't help but wonder why such childish, typical-grumpy-four-year-old stuff would elicit so much emotion in me that I would scold DD and leave the playground in tears. It was a classic over-reaction, indicative that an issue of mine was being provoked by what I was witnessing in my DD.

The second clue was that I was not assessing the whole situation. I was reacting as though DD were committing grievous acts against the other kids, when in reality no real damage was being done. In discussing the events of that day with my friend K (who was there that day), she confirmed that the children DD was behaving this way towards were doing a pretty darned good job of dealing with it! I recalled that a couple of 7 year olds had assured me that day that DD's language didn't bother them at all because they had siblings her age who spoke to them like that "all the time". The other children were telling her quite clearly that they didn't like being spoken to like that, or they just ignored her; some got angry, but nobody's response was extreme or cruel. Apparently the other mothers there had also commented that the kids seemed to be handling it appropriately. I'd interfered to a far greater level than was necessary, another clue that I'd gotten emotionally involved in something I wasn't a part of.

Looking back now I can see clearly that I should have just let the kids deal with it on their own, and allowed DD the freedom to explore and discover how these behaviours affected her social interactions with these children. I should have taken a neutral stance, intervening only to protect another child from physical harm, or respond if the child showed a genuine distress at her treatment. Because, as I read about what stage of development she is going through, I was reminded that this is a stage of Identity; she's trying on various roles, experimenting with different ways of "being", and learning how those affect her, socially. Obviously I needed to step in to return a "stolen" object, or when the one child got hit, and to talk with her when her feelings got hurt by an angry response from one boy. But by "talk" I mean doing an Intentional Dialogue. That means Listening and helping the child work through her feelings, and letting HER learn from the experience, not lecturing her and dictating what sort of person she has to be.

I tell ya, reading through those chapters was like a giant lightbulb moment. I was grateful and sorrowful all at once. Sorrowful that my language had sent so many negative messages that day, message that spoke to the very core of who DD is and her sense self worth. But grateful that this incident led to an immense personal growth moment for myself as an individual and as a parent.

So last night, after reading some more, I renewed my commitment to my DD: to love her as a whole person, all parts of her, even the grumpy-four-year-old parts. I need to Back Off (if you're familiar with the book, I'm a classic Maximizer parent - I tend to explode and get overinvolved). I need to let DD have her experiences and learn from them in her own way, while I provide a safe and supportive environment in which to process those experiences. I am determined today to try and work with Intentional Dialogue and to step back and see DD as a separate person who deserves respect for all parts of herself as she struggles to define who she is and where she fits in this world.

Warning: long rant about my rotten day

2007-04-05T15:37:00.000-07:00

I cried today.

We went to our homelearner's dropin, my main concern being to keep DS from mauling anybody. That's one little thing I can say I made good on; nobody had a scratch and DS actually seemed to have a pretty good time. Turns out it was my daughter I needed to worry about.

She wanted to play on a piece of equipment that some other kids were using as part of a game, and flipped out because she couldn't take it. She asked me to read a book to her, and when another kid came by to listen she screamed that it was only for her to hear. Out on the playground (same group of kids) it got worse. She sassed off at everybody. She told a group of kids that she "knows everything", then screamed at them when they begged to differ. She drove them to the point where one of the boys said he wished she would just die, and if you read my last post you can imagine how well that went over.

Watching DD that day was pathetic and sad.

The child has absolutely ZERO sense of how to interact with people. It's heartbreaking to watch her running after her friends, so obviously wanting to join in with them, all the while demanding that they play some game she wants to play, or listen to her sing a song, or some other such thing (which is what caused them to run away in the first place). She just doesn't get that things can't be "her way or no way", and she doesn't get the Golden Rule at all. I see the looks the other kids give her sometimes - like she's a freak. And these are homelearner kids who are used to a variety of personality types and don't generally have an issue with socially awkward children, nor hold to rigid rules about what is cool and what isn't. Yet none of them act like she does, and I can't help but feel like there is something really wrong with my daughter, even though I know that she is remarkable in so many other ways. I wonder if perhaps I need to revisit the issue of giftedness with respect to the particular social challenges that such children experience. Gifted or not, DD has serious issues relating to other kids.

Other incidents involved her hitting some younger kid in the face (unusual, even for her), taking stuff that other kids had found and claiming them as her own, and throughout it all lying over and over again. Now, I understand that this isn't true lying, and I get the whole distinction between reality and fantasy being a grey area right now, but with all the lying lately I can't tell what's true anymore. It's pretty frustrating when you have to ask another 4 year old for the "real story". And even when there are multiple witnesses she screams in protest if anybody accuses her - you'd think the greatest travesties of justice are committed upon her the way she carries on.

Now, I try very hard to hold to a non-punitive style of discipline, but after too many such incidents today it was ME who really needed to leave. I tried to make it clear to her that she simply couldn't be allowed to treat other people that way, rather than a "you're acting bad so I'm punishing you by leaving" thing. But I do realize that, from her perspective, it probably did feel like she was being punished for her behaviour. I felt this situation was severe enough that I could live with her feeling that way. Sometimes, no matter how you phrase it, doing the right thing is going to feel like punishment. And I hoped that the rarity of it might leave an impression on her.

Leaving the playground was one of those nightmarish parenting scenes from hell...my son was upset we were leaving, and I was carrying 40 lbs of struggling, tired toddler and a big diaper bag. At one point he scratched my face and ripped my glasses off. I had no hands free to carry DD, so I took advantage of the fact that she would not let me leave without her, and I began walking away. She screeched, she jumped up and down, she was hysterical but she followed me. When a friend came over to offer help the tears began flowing down my face. I just wanted to go home!

When we finally got to the car, I was held hostage for about 15 minutes because DD wouldn't keep her seatbelt on. I tried waiting her out, I tried some snuggles, but nothing was working and I desperately needed to go home or I was gonna bawl my eyes out right there on the side of the road. Plus my son needed sleep and was strapped in next to her getting more and more upset.

Finally, I resorted to dirty tactics. I took her playdough and threatened to throw it away if she didn't get her seatbelt on and keep it fastened until we got home. And please nobody tell me that it was okay to do this. It wasn't okay for me and it never will be, but I recognize that I'm only human and I was at the end of my rope.

I feel frazzled and hollow inside. I feel like I did two years ago when DD was turning three and mutated into a defiant child I'd never met before and didn't particularly like. I learned alot from that experience, mostly that my beliefs on how I should handle it are usually right and that the biggest battle is restraining myself from yelling, scolding, and saying mean and hurtful things to DD in an effort to "shock" her into "getting it". I think the challenge here is the same, but I confess I'm lacking in resources lately. There are some personal stressors in my life these days that I don't feel like discussing on the Internet, but are obviously taking their toll by draining me of already limited emotional resources. I have lost it with my kids more times than I care to admit and beating myself up over it has become a common mental pasttime. Every day I wake up and promise to try harder. And in all honestly, I suppose I could have done alot worse. At least I felt I was in some control of my tongue, and I was able to draw on reserves of patience I didn't feel I had. All in all I think I handled it pretty well (playdoh incident notwithstanding) and I suppose for that I should give myself a pat on the back.

However, I think a pint of Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia would do even better.

Mama, I don't want you to die

2007-04-04T19:32:00.000-07:00

The other night, after reading stories and turning off the light, I settled down to snuggle DD while she drifted off to sleep. Instead she burst into tears. When I asked what was wrong she said "mama, what if you died? I'd be all alone. I'd have no mama!". From there we proceeded to have a long discussion about her fears of me leaving her by dying.

I blame the Lion King for this.

Last month we were at the library, and on impulse I grabbed The Lion King DVD. I remembered how much I'd loved the music, and briefly noted that a parent gets offed in the movie, but given that she'd made it through The Land Before Time without any trauma I thought it would be okay. But it just goes to show you how quickly children change in these formative years. It just so happened that watching James Earl Jones' lion character get stampeded by a herd of deranged wildebeests occured around the same time that her brain was able to connect the dots and ask the logical question: what would happen if mama died?

I felt guilty about renting that movie for some time. I'm sticking to Blue's Clues and Elmo's World until she's 10!, Id' say to myself. But after talking to my friend K I realized that it would have happened sooner or later, and Disney was just the catalyst. K lost a grandfather last summer and her eldest went through a similar process, first he got the "logistics" of death: living thing dies, living thing is gone. Later he figured out the implications of this with respect to his own circle of loved ones, and the fact that Great Grandpa really was gone for good. I thought DD had grasped the implications of death when we had an incident related to the death of a neighbourhood cat. But I guess there was more to process. I couldn't help but be reminded of Spacemom's recent post about her DD processing a rather overwhelming theatre experience. It's fascinating to me how children do this, but it's also difficult to watch at times.

I could rant on and on about how evil Disney is because every freakin' kids movie they put out seems to have a parent or two DIE in the first few minutes (what sort of sicko freak writers make these films, anyway?)...but that's a topic for another post.

It broke my heart to hear DD voice her fears. Because truth be told, my deepest fear is of leaving my children while they are still young. When I think about the level of attachment I have to them, the fact that, as their mother, I am their rock, the centre point from which they look outwards towards their universe...it frightens me to contemplate how devastating and psychologically damaging it would be for that rock to one day up and disappear, never to return. No, I think I'd rather have my child die (then at least I could go and kill myself afterwards) than destroy the foundation of their world by disappearing for good when they most need me.

No wonder DD has been clinging to my legs and crying hysterically whenever I leave the apartment without her.

And oh, I how wanted to promise her I wouldn't die! How desperately I wanted to ease her fears by reciting some fantasy about Heaven and being reunited after death. But I don't believe any of that. I did pay lip service to the fact that different people have different ideas about what happens after you die, but DD dismissed those - the truth is, she didn't want to be told that death is nothing to worry about. She wanted and needed some validation of her fears of me leaving her.

Watching your kids grow up is hard sometimes.

Outdoor Thoughts

2007-04-01T08:03:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a sunny day, although it was a bit chilly. But we headed to a nearby park and went for a short walk through the forest before settling on a sunny spot for our picnic that was sheltered from the strong wind coming off the water. We have "temperate rainforests" in our region, with lots of Western Red Cedar and Douglas Fir, and lots of ferns on the ground. The trails feel spongy due to the buildup of pine needles over the years, and one can generally smell the ocean, its scent drifting on the lush, loamy smell of rich damp earth. I don't do as much walking in the woods as I'd like, but whenever I do it just lifts my spirit immensely. It is as close to a "spiritual" experience as I can find, a feeling of connectedness with the earth and an awakening of the senses. I love all sorts of forest types, but the West Coast Rainforest feels like home.

In other outdoor news, DH and I are going to see a property in a couple of weeks. It isn't the five acres we'd been hoping for; instead it's only half an acre. But to these city folks in an apartment with a small, concrete balcony it is still a big-ass yard! What appeals to us is the price - it is almost half of what we budgeted for. This means we could buy it right now (if it turns out to be "the one"), we could put a bit of money into it right away to fix it up a bit (not that it needs much work), and we could substantially increase our mortgage payments so that we pay down interest and gain equity fairly quickly.

A half acre is plenty of room for the kids to play (I'll start hunting Craigslist for swing sets!), there's a chicken coop, a workshop, and a small barn that would make a nice home for a couple of goats. The place is really too small for horses, but we won't be ready for those for at least a few more years - horses are a lot of work and the kids need to be more independent and mature before I can add that to my list of responsibilities. The plan is to move up to a bigger place when we're ready for horses. Or, even better, if there is land adjacent to us that we could buy from a neighbour that would be awesome. Or perhaps we could pay a neighbour for pasture access.

I'd love to get a dog but we're still trying to figure out how that would work when we're in town - we can't have pets in our apartment. Animals like goats and chickens can be cared for by a pet-sitter type person, but dogs are part of the family and it wouldn't be fair to abandon them for half the week. We'll try to come up with a solution in this matter, because I confess I would probably be a bit scared being on my own out in the middle of nowhere without a dog or two. As a city girl I feel comfortable and safe when surrounded by people, even though I suppose the chances of being a victim of crime are much greater in the city than in the country. I freely admit that t's my imagination I need protection from!

The other benefit of a small place is that it's a "baby step". I've never lived on a large property before and it would be nice to have a smaller chunk of land on which to "cut my teeth". The yard needs some leveling, the fences need a bit of work, but it's small stuff. By the time we're ready to move up to more acreage I'll have experience working with landscaping equipment, and will have built up a decent set of tools and farm equipment (and skills). I can't wait to get a garden going and plant some vegetables. The property has some fruit trees as well.

Finally, the house: it is adorable! It's 1500 sq feet - the perfect size! It has pine floors, a huge kitchen with room for one of those antique farmstyle tables (the newest addition to my "must have" list), and a huge bathroom that is a few accessories short of luxurious. I've already picked out the Ikea kitchen I want, the rest of the place just needs some new paint colours. The master suite is huge and constitutes the half-size second floor. There is room for an ensuite and a walk-in closet. I'm in love with it already!

So, here's hoping there aren't any major structural problems with the house itself, that the water supply is abundant and clean, and that the soil isn't crappy. If it checks out, we could be purchasing our first home this summer!!

Parenting just got a whole lot tougher

2007-03-29T16:45:00.000-07:00

Yesterday while we were out enjoying a lovely day with a group of friends (mamas and kids), my darling little boy walked up to my friend's 16 month old son and scratched him across the face. Within a few minutes he did it again, and this time I saw the whole thing - DS just walked up to this lovely little boy, who was standing there minding his own business, and clawed his face with a swipe.

I struggled against the urge to cry. My friend, mother of the victim, actually came up to me and comforted me. I can't tell you how much that meant to me. But I couldn't shake the sick feeling in my stomach that my beautiful little son had administered such unprovoked and dangerous attacks. Before we'd left the place he'd scratched yet another child.

DS has scratched kids before, but the incidents have been few and isolated. I had not seen them happen and assumed there was some sort of conflict involved. But yesterday I discovered that this was happening out of the blue, with DS actually approaching the child and attacking him this way without the child having done anything.

Today we went to our homelearner's dropin group and within five minutes of being there DS had clawed another small child. I realized, with a sense of exhaustion and self-pity, that I had no choice but to start shadowing DS. Instead of my usual sit-and-chat with my mama friends, and watch for situations that appear to be escalating, I had to literally follow along behind DS every minute we were there. I couldn't help DD with the week's activity, nor could I help with cleanup. I could not leave DS's side for fear that he would attack again. And yet, while I was tending to DD who had engaged in some sort of conflict with another child, DS ran over to the same little boy and clawed him again.

Usually we go to Science World after our homelearner's dropin. But I decided then and there not to go. I was already exhausted and could not fathom having to follow DS around that whole place like a shadow for three hours. Instead, seeing as the sun finally made an appearance, we went to a nearby playground. There was only one other child there, older than DS (he seems to target little kids), and he was sticking close to his mother. For a brief while I got to sit on a bench and enjoy the sunshine while the kids played. But after a while more children joined us.

Before we left that playground DS had hit a boy on the face, scratched another boy (thankfully it was a long-time friend of ours, who was more understanding) and, while I was handling a situation with DD, DS scratched the child who had been there when we first arrived - got him right across the eye.

As I left the playground I wanted to just cry. My son is obviously going through a phase, and while I have no idea what is going on in his head, I do know that he isn't mean or cruel. It is woefully apparent that he has no concept of the fact that he's inflicting pain on these kids. This is fairly normal 2 year old behaviour (have I mentioned how much I hate the toddler years?). With that said, it is very hard to escape the fact that my son has turned into one of those children I used to intensely dislike when I was the mother of one small girl. He is huge for his age - he is tall and weighs 40 lbs, and he won't be 2.5 until next week! His attacks are unprovoked and unpredictable. Suddenly it is my son who is the pariah of the playground, the one all the other mothers are watching and keeping their children away from. It is, of course, my job to make sure he doesn't harm anybody, but with two children that is difficult, even with the highest level of diligence.

If this were my only child we'd be taking a break from group situations for a while, but I can't exile my daughter completely from her friends and activities. And so for the next who-knows-how-many weeks I'm going to have to make sure he is never more than an arm's reach from my side. Just the thought of this leaves me feeling exhausted and beaten down. I'm sick about those precious little kids with gashes across their faces, and their fear at being attacked by a kid out of nowhere. I'm sick that it is my little boy who is doing this, and I confess that, for the first time in his little life, I looked at my son today and I disliked him. That alone is enough to make me cry.

One day I will look back on this and counsel some other poor mother who is experiencing it. But right now I wish more than anything that I could just wave a magic wand and turn my son into a six year old.

True Justice, Pt II

2007-03-21T20:06:00.000-07:00

In my last post I talked about how belief in the value of punishment is endemic in our society, particularly our system of Justice. And, just as I believe punishment as a tool of discipline works against the best interests of children, I also believe it is a poor tool for ensuring peace to society at large. Since most of us grew up immersed in the paradigm of punishment, most of us find it difficult, if not impossible, to imagine the alternative. If you can't punish (your child, a criminal) then what DO you do?

I said I would give some real-world examples, so here is one: I read an article a while back in our local newspaper about a woman whose husband was beaten to death when he went to a neighbour's home to complain about the noise from their house party. She went through a process whereby she met with, and developed a relationship with (and no, I don't mean that kind of relationship), her husband's killer.

Keep in mind this wasn't a serial murderer, just a man who found himself immersed in a set of circumstances that led to him killing another man. In this case, I think any one of us could have been that killer. We humans all have the capacity to kill and be violent, and I think the fact that most of us don't is only because we don't find ourselves in just the right combination of circumstances as to make that a possibility for us.

Anyways, together the victim and her killer went through a process called Restorative Justice. You can learn more about it by visiting the Centre for Restorative Justice website.

In short: " Restorative justice is a philosophy that views harm and crime as violations of people and relationships. It is a holistic process that addresses the repercussions and obligations created by harm, with a view to putting things as right as possible. Restorative justice is best practiced when guided by restorative values and principles and when those most affected are both the focus and the directors."

The italics are mine. In other words, both the criminal and the victim are brought together to actively participate in "putting things right". There is not a power imbalance between the two, rather they are seen as equally important and valued players in a process that brings empowerment to the whole community.

From their site: " When compared with our current models of punishment, whether it is in the justice system or discipline in schools, restorative justice requires a paradigm shift in thinking about reactions to harm."

This caught my eye, because when I start to describe how I approach discipline with my children, the first thing I have to explain is the paradigm shift required. To parent without punishment and imposed consequences, how you view things must change completely, so that you see it from a different perspective. This new perspective then provides a grounding point from which new ideas emerge. The tools one uses in non-punitive discipline become more apparent, more "obvious" when the new perspective is adopted. Similarly, when you view crime, and those that commit crimes, in a different light...when you consider society to be responsible for ALL its peoples (that means criminals and victims) then the process of Restorative Justice makes more sense.

“Restorative justice is fundamentally different from retributive justice. It is justice that puts energy into the future, not into what is past. It focuses on what needs to be healed, what needs to be repaid, what needs to be learned in the wake of crime. It looks at what needs to be strengthened if such things are not to happen again.”

- Susan Sharpe, Restorative Justice: A Vision for Healing and Change, 1998

The woman in the news story said she had a choice: she could follow a path of vengeance, or one of forgiveness. She felt that the former could never truly heal her, but that the latter would.

That word, Forgiveness, is thrown around so much in our culture it becomes meaningless. Christians consider it the cornerstone of their faith, yet I have met few people who truly understand what it means. To me, true forgiveness is recognizing that the aggressor, the perpetrator of the crime, is a human being. He/she is someone's child. They have a story. They have walked miles in their shoes that nobody else can know of, nor understand. You hear people say "lots of folks were abused as children, and they didn't grow up to be theives". And yet those folks who didn't were, by definition, different. They apparently had coping mechanisms, either instilled in them or bestowed upon them by a lucky roll of the genetic dice, that allowed them to handle their abuse in a way that didn't lead them to poor choices. I don't believe it is as simple as choosing to be "bad". None of us truly have free will, in that respect, as I eluded to in my earlier post.

So I will let you peruse that website, and consider a world where victims and aggressors could be brought together to heal. I think it brings a kind of closure to the victims that no amount of punishment or revenge can ever hope to do. Watching a man "fry and die" cannot bring healing to a broken heart. Hatred can never bring peace. But seeing a criminal as part of society, a person with unmet needs, a person as valued and worthy as the victim...I think that if we could bring that feeling to criminals, that they are valued and wanted by society, rather than rejected...I think we could do more to bring down crime rates than an infinite number of prisons.

Restorative Justice is just one form of non-punitive discipline (as applied to Crime). I'm sure they may be others. It may not be perfect, it may not be realistic in all cases. But it serves as an example that it IS possible to view justice in a framework that does not involve punishment.

Ultimately, I think the limitations on a punishment-free system of Justice are those of our own understanding. We don't have the knowledge to really reach out to, and heal, all those who are damaged. Some of them are, by our current technologies, beyond our ability to treat. But that doesn't mean they are untreatable. We may, at times, just have to do the best we can. And sometimes that may mean removing these people from the opportunity to do harm, just as sometimes we must remove a child from a situation when their coping mechanisms can't handle it at that time. Still, to hold as a goal the idea that we could reach out to, and heal, all criminals...that we could meet everybody's needs (or at least make that a priority in our culture)...I think there is tremendous value in that, even if we can't meet that goal just yet.

True Justice

2007-03-20T09:27:00.000-07:00

A while back I wrote a post about Good and Evil. It was a reactionary post, not very well-written IMHO. I have been meaning for months to elaborate on that post and to share my thoughts on Punishment as it pertains to our system of justice and law. I am a parent who firmly believes that using punishment as a tool for disciplining children is detrimental to their well-being, and the following is a natural extension of the thought processes that led me to this philosophy. When one recognizes that there are far better, more effective and ultimately more "just" ways of raising children than using punishment, the next logical step is applying it to society at large.

We live in a culture where the word "justice" is equated with "punishment". Following the arrest of someone believed to commit a heinous crime, you will hear phrases such as "he must be brought to justice" or "the victims just want justice". Basically, this means they want to see the perpetrator punished.

On a radio discussion the other day I heard several people say that the Victims wishes and feelings towards the handling of a prosecution, or the release of a criminal on parole, should be considered of utmost import. I completely disagree. In fact, I think victims and their families are the least capable of determining what constitutes a fair and balanced assessment of the situation. They are the most emotional, the least rational, and - it seems - the most demanding for "justice".

And so we talk about punishment as though it were part of what is Just, but I honestly believe punishment is simply Vengeance written into a code of Law. And I can't decide yet whether the desire for vengeance is a part of human nature, or the result of a culture where punishment is intrinsic in almost everything we do.

But what is the alternative? That is what most people ask when faced with the suggestion that punishment could be removed from our justice system entirely. What seems to limit our ability to discuss this as a society is the underlying assumption that, without the Threat of Punishment, most people will behave in the worst way possible. There are so many things wrong with this assumption.

First, I think most people behave "rightly" because it feels right. Because as social creatures we have instinctual drives towards maintaining the cohesiveness of the social unit. We have a conscience, which I believe represents the biological, hard-wired instincts that guide us in our behaviour towards the goal of social harmony. In other words, it is in our animal nature to ensure social harmony.

Second, I think it assumes that people are inherently "bad" and will only make choices for the good of society as a whole if they are forced into it by the threat of punishment. The parallels between this and our view of children can't be overemphasized. On the contrary, I think most people are inherently "good", but become conditioned to view their actions in terms of "how does this benefit ME" by the very system of reward and punishment in which they are raised.

Finally, the assumptions above assume that the alternative to punishment is complacency. As a non-punishment parent I am constantly having to emphasize to others that punishment does not equal discipline. When I say "I don't punish my children", people imagine that I simply do nothing. They are generally incapable of imagining what other courses of action may be used to guide a child, because the notion of behaviouralism (controlling behaviours by reinforcing those desired and punishing those that aren't) is so entrenched in our society. Parents who choose to dispense with punishment as a discipline tool must be actively educated (and self-motivated to do so) in the alternatives to punishment. It seems it does not come naturally to all but the very few of us.

So what does a system of Justice without punishment look like? Consider this quote from one of Scott Noelle's Daily Groove articles:

"Imagine a world with no shame and blame -- where it's impossible to be "bad." Imagine a world where people can stumble, make mistakes, and sometimes even hurt each other, but they are never deemed "wrong." Errors are noticed, and course-corrections are made, but blame and shame never enter the picture."

This is what I was trying to say in my previous post on the subject. This, to me, is true Justice.

I will elaborate on how such a system of justice would look, using real life examples of people who have followed such a course, in a subsequent post on this subject.

To Sleep, Perchance to Dream

2007-03-18T19:48:00.000-07:00

Ever since my brother died 10 years ago my mother has suffered from insomnia. For years I heard stories of how she would sleep for 3 hours and then wake up, watching the clock until dawn, wanting to sleep but unable to do so. I couldn't understand how she could continue to function that way, going to work and later, when she was retired, going to morning Mass. I remember many things she told me about it:

she said that you get used to being tired all the time so that it becomes the "new normal"
she said that the secret was to keep moving, because if you stopped the fatigue would catch up with you and you'd suddenly realize how tired you were
she was known for falling asleep in mid-conversation when we visited and she would sit on the sofa and chat
she said she lowered her expectations, and that getting five hours in a row felt like a full night's sleep in comparison to what she usually experienced

Back then I "needed" at least 8 hours, and preferred 9. If I got less than 6 hours of sleep I called in sick, because I would not be able to function. I totalled a rental car once after being up all night and attempting to drive it back to the rental office. I just didn't get how Mum did it. But everything she said above has come back to me since I had children.

I don't know where society gets this idea that babies start sleeping through the night after only a few weeks and stay that way until adulthood. Even if you are blessed with a "good sleeper", and even if you don't breastfeed, I still don't know anybody with young children who gets a normal night's sleep (i.e. 7 or more uninterrupted hours). Everybody I know plays some form of "musical beds" on occasion, and the vast majority do so almost nightly.

I don't consider my kids to be poor sleepers. Late bedtimes notwithstanding (the cure for which is still going strong, by the way) my daughter will generally wake at some point in the early am and want to come into our bed, usually calling for me to come get her as she's up on a top bunk and decided a while back that she can't get down herself anymore. Sometimes she sleeps through in her bed, but not often. And sometimes she wakes in the middle of the night as opposed to the morning. My son nurses at night. It's hard to tell how often is normal as he's got molars coming in (number 3 is out and I'm just waiting for number 4 before I start any nightweaning), but usually it seems he nurses once after being asleep for about 4 hours, and then maybe one more time before the early am when he starts to nurse off and on for the last hour or two before waking.

And this isn't a complaint post, by the way. I know that within the next year, and probably within the next six months, DS will not be nightnursing anymore and will likely be sleeping through the night as well as his sister does now. So the end is in sight and that's enough for me. But it doesn't change the fact that right now, as it has been for years, I walk around chronically tired. Just like my mother, I find:

I'm okay as long as I keep busy; the hardest part about putting DD to bed is lying with her in the dark while she falls asleep and then having to drag myself up and out of there - it's hard to take advantage of the earlier bedtime because by then I'm reminded of how badly I need to just sleep
I have gotten used to being chronically tired so that I don't even really notice it unless I've had a particularly bad night
I consider a five hour stretch, or any stretch where I actually dream, to be a "good sleep"

So here's to all us mamas of young kids, and to the good night's sleep that I know is in my future!

Then again, maybe it's just me

2007-03-14T11:53:00.000-07:00

I've been doing this "mom of two" thing for some time now, and yet still, every now and then, I am struck dumb by how incredibly exhausting it is to care for two young children full time. I don't just mean the physical exhaustion of running around after them, hauling a 40 lb toddler off the table every five minutes, and all that jazz...but there's the emotional exhaustion. When you've got both of them crying because they each want you to sit next to them but refuse to change where they are sitting, when you are trying to make some breakfast and the little one has grabbed hold of your leg and is being dragged around the kitchen screeching, when your older one is pushing every button she can find, repeatedly, and laughing maniacally when you complain that you are getting hurt, when one complains because the colour of the lid on their sippy cup is not right but all the "right" ones are sitting in the sink soaked in stale, rancid milk...

I have not been doing well these last few days. I am on the edge, with all my nerves frayed. I have yelled at the kids more times than I can count, I have been physically rough with them - I haven't hit them but when I'm pulling DD off a screaming DS while she tries to shove him off the edge of a chair I know I'm being rougher than I need to be. When DS was trying to play jungle gym on my head last night as DD and I were snuggling in bed I know I was not entirely gentle when I grabbed his butt and flipped him off me, and I've shoved DD away from me with a bit too much anger when she won't stop aggravating me in some way that is causing me physical pain (like attempting to stand on the backs of my calves while I'm kneeling to assist DS with something)...

Yes, these are all typical behaviours of children who are have a need that is going unmet, and normally I would grit my teeth, summon up patience, and recognize that what they need is not to be told "stop!" but to be assisted in redirecting that energy into something less destructive and annoying. This requires emotional energy, resources that I suddenly discovered have been depleted.

I spent 8 hours away from home yesterday, and yet I don't feel the least bit rested. I spent most of the day scurrying around trying to get several tasks done, always conscious of how long I'd been away. The GUILT is incredible and I really, really need to work on this. I feel bad for every extra hour DH has to spend with the kids (why? it's hard work; isn't that silly?), I feel guilty for taking a few extra minutes to have coffee with a friend or grab something to eat because it adds to the amount of time I'm gone. There is also this feeling like I have to justify that I deserve this - I work my ass off and should feel entitled to such a break - rather than having to feel like I'm asking for the moon every time I take time off. And it's not like I spent it all on myself - most of it was spent doing research for a Pro Bono case (my attempt at creating good business karma). But the truth is that for most of my time away yesterday I felt exactly like a teenager who knew she'd be late for curfew - where the hell is this coming from?

Anyways, I can come up with all sorts of excuses about why I've been such a shitty parent lately - I'm tired, not enough "me time", hey maybe I'm anemic, I think DS is getting his top molars in, I'm not sleeping well, the bed is uncomfortable, blah blah blah...I'm sick of excuses. DH has been sweet and thinks I should look into getting a Mother's Helper again. Perhaps he is right. It is just such a pain to try and find someone that I can trust. But it would be nice to have a regular few hours each week I could count on for some getaway time.

In the meantime I am trying to be kind to myself, acknowledge that this honestly is the Toughest Job in the World, that I can't be perfect all the time, and that this too, shall pass. And hope that while I'm going through it I don't ruin my kids!

Disequilibrium

2007-03-12T19:59:00.000-07:00

I read a book on early childhood development once that said children go through spurts of development, rather than regular, gradual progressions. During these spurts children are faced with a new version of themselves, with new abilities and perspectives, and it can take time for them to adjust. The author referred to these periods as "disequilibrium" and noted that it can be a challenging time for parents. As the kids try to work through the changes in themselves, it can often manifest in behaviours that are disruptive and unpleasant. It seems to take approximately six months for the child to adjust, and then life seems quieter and more predictable for a while - these are the periods of "equilibrium".

I've noticed that this pattern seems to hold for DD. Starting around the time she was 34 months, until she was around 40 months we went through a huge adjustment process as I was faced with behaviours I didn't know how to deal with. I have to say that for some time now things with DD have been pretty good - the usual types of "mis"-behaviours that I know how to deal with (sometimes I don't always deal with it the way I know I should, but I am clear on how I wish to handle it). But I think we may be headed for another period of disequilibrium.

For the last few days I've noticed that DD has begun a new set of behaviours. It's the same ol' situation - she's got restless energy, a negative kind of energy that only seems to release itself in ways that aggravate everybody around her. She gets sassy and bossy, she repeats an annoying behaviour (like, say, poking me or her brother) over and over again as though she were stuck on "auto repeat". I'm familiar with this scenario, but what has escalated recently is the ways she releases this energy and the degree to which she is able to seriously push our buttons. There is a certain tone to her voice, a maniacal quality to her laugh, and a frantic energy to her movements in these moments that makes me feel like I want to scream and run away and lock myself in a room. Worse, it makes me feel as though I hate that part of her and I then have to struggle through those feelings to recognize where they come from and why, so that I can allow them to flow through me and out of me.

My parenting philosophy is no punishments, no "consequences", and no bribes. With some thought, and a bit of trial and error, I can usually figure out an appropriate response that stays within my values yet is effective. In the past I've found that engaging DD in some other activity during these times is the best solution, but I confess I don't always have it in me to do so. Tonight has been particularly challenging, because I haven't had a chance to think about the appropriate responses to some of the stuff she's been doing, and in those situations I tend to fall back on my knee-jerk responses, which include scolding, lecturing, and threatening. But I feel that now I've recognized that we are entering a new period of disequilibrium I can be on my toes a bit more and give some thought to how best to handle these new behaviours.

Of course, it doesn't help that it's been weeks since I've had a break. I haven't been to knitting group for the last two weeks, my mother wasn't able to babysit last week b/c she was sick. I have not been away from my kids for two weeks. I'm sure this has something to do with it.

Fortunately I am getting tomorrow afternoon off - DH is taking a half day off work so I can head out to the university and do some research for a Pro Bono case I need to finish. I'm going to meet up with a girlfriend for coffee, stop in at my department to network (I may need a forensic pathologist for an upcoming case), and basically enjoy the sorts of priviledges that only mothers with young children can appreciate. Things like going to the bathroom when you need to, and without an audience. Being able to buy a cup of coffee and take it with you (between two kids and all their paraphenalia, I never have a free hand with which to do so). Sitting in blissful silence while studying a paper. Talking to another adult without a child yanking on your arm or interrupting every five minutes. Walking freely, at a comfortable rhythm, without having to stop every two minutes to examine a flower, or grudgingly allow a peice of broken plastic or brightly coloured trash to be placed in the "treasure pocket".

I'm very much looking forward to it!

Weaning DS - is it time?

2007-03-09T17:03:00.000-08:00

I weaned DD when she was about 3.5 years old. You can read about it here. DS is now the age that DD was when I began limiting her day nursing (she was already nightweaned at this point). I haven't restricted DS's nursing at all, for two main reasons. First, this is my last child and when he's done there will be no more children at my breast. It's a huge milestone for me, and a step that I haven't quite been prepared to take just yet. Second, DS is a very intense child when it comes to expressing his frustration. To deny him the breast will mean dealing with his unique, screeching cry, which tends to put my nerves on edge. It might just be easier to nurse him then feel like I'm ripping his heart out!

But lately I've been finding myself feeling that old familiar feeling I had with DD - there have been times lately when I'm not enjoying nursing. It's certainly not all the time...yet. But I sense that the time is coming and I don't want to get to the point I did with DD, where I really didn't enjoy it. I think what I'm feeling is perfectly natural and is Nature's way, so I don't have any guilt about it. It's just such a huge step...

So today I've been giving thought to beginning the weaning process, and I've stumbled across some interesting issues. It was easier to explain to DD what was going on as she was more verbal and could ask questions. While DS may understand, he can't discuss it with me and I already know his reaction will be intense. I wonder if I have the emotional fortitude to deal with his tantrums should I begin to deny him the breast. DD just never reacted the way he did, and she was more readily distracted.

And as I thought about this I began to wonder about something: are his feelings really more intense? OR, are his feelings the same but he just expresses himself in a more intense manner? I've always subconciously assumed that he can't handle things as well as DD did, based on the extremity of his responses. For example, DS still cannot deal with "first we do X, then we do Y" even if X is really short and within his ability to grasp timewise. DD could totally get this at his age. But, is it that he doesn't understand and only hears "no"? Or is it that he *does* understand but just doesn't want to wait?

Well, in writing this I believe I've made up my mind - I do want to start, knowing it will be a slow process. I think I'll start with nightweaning - who wouldn't want more sleep? Maybe I'll have him sleep with DH tonight and see how that goes. I'll keep y'all posted!